Does it even matter at this point?

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My son was diagnosed with Asperger's several years ago. Since then, I have made it a habit to read about Autism Spectrum Disorders at least twice a week. During those years he has made a lot of progress and it seems as though finally improvements on controlling his anger outbursts and social fear are being seen.

I am very glad that with my family's help we are starting to see the improvements we have been waiting on, but now the spotlight has turned towards me. At 28, I have managed to have three divorces, back at home living with mom each time. I have a steady job, but I have never had a problem with the routine of work, and have managed to climb up a couple of small rungs in the nursing field. My oddness, my obsessions (astronomy, science fiction, Carl Sagan and fantasy drawing), the fact that because I'm pretty I can show you several men's numbers in my phone (who as I've gotten older, seem to like the quirks...at first) yet I cannot give you one number for an actual friend I've had long-term. I can't look people in the eyes when they talk to me, something that irks partners after time, but I can't concentrate looking someone in the eye, and when I do, trying to be normal, I find myself asking "What?", so then they think I'm partially deaf. I can also tell someone exactly what the standard is for every dog breed and I can explain open and globular clusters in astronomy, but I panic when someone wants to talk about feelings. I always just thought it was because I acted more masculine and have been told this repeatedly (along with a monotone voice, which I knew about, and a strange military walk, which I didn't know). Now I'm starting to see that I cannot empathize, even with my own child (and neither can he). We do realize what sympathy is though, however it is a very different thing from empathy, and many confuse the two. I never really felt much of anything during my divorces other than "At least I don't have to play that actress anymore" and always thought it was the ex's fault, and now I'm remembering a common theme with all three of them (ice queen, cold, "you never cared, there is no way you would say something/do something like that if you did!", "do you know what feelings even are?") and after repeated attempts to change the odd behaviour, I would leave and file for a divorce instead of getting so fatigued and depressed from the constant attempts. It just seems much easier now to satisfy the sexual urge when it comes then retreating to my own world, because I never felt bonding during sex, and only got wrapped up in relationships when the other partner said they felt it, and I just went along with it, confused by what they meant but thinking "Well, at least somebody seems to like me, and it might seem rude if I don't acknowledge what they just said".

Yes, I took a few tests online, because I am reluctant to see yet another doctor (so far, manic-depression, PTSD, major depression, and schizoaffective disorder have been my diagnoses until I finally gave up a few years ago when even my psychiatrist admitted that none of them really fit the way he wanted, and I got sick of the medication changes and side effects). I scored a 38 on one and as a probable Aspie on others, and I even found my son's tests and for the first time, took them for myself. I'm just wondering what good it will do at this point for me to even be diagnosed anyways, I know I'm different and I think I now at least understand a little more of the reason, and I'm not willing to go through medication and analyzing again if I don't need to. It has made me wary of relationships now, because now I feel like I am not capable of one and I am finally realizing the hurt I must have caused each ex when I ran each time they tried to help, in their own misguided way. I am very sorry for the long ramble, I also write out my issues and concerns much better and more elaborately on screen or paper than I do vocalizing them. Any posts would be appreciated, I'm just trying to feel my way around everything right now.

hiya Atom84 welcome to our cool club
ever hear any talk of (clicky)attachment disorder?

hello. I don't have an official diagnosis either. me being an aspie just makes sense of my past. welcome to WP.

Hi, the part with looking off to the side while listening to someone talk in order to better concentrate, that sounds like classic Aspie, and I do that myself (I'm self-diagnosed).

I've disclosed to people that I'm on the Spectrum, and it has not always gone well. It's made people uncomfortable. I've started to experiment with, 'How hip are you to someone being Aspie?' And have thought about disclosing myself as Spectrum-friendly or Spectrum-lite, with the goal of keeping the whole thing more on the light side. And then later on, as I feel out how receptive the person is and as they get used to the idea and more comfortable with it, I might go ahead and say, yeah, I'm almost positive I'm on the Spectrum.

With some of your previous relationships, it sounds like the person may have been racing ahead. Back in the late 90s, I meet a very neat woman through a dance school, but then about three weeks into the relationship she told me she loved me. Wow. I wish I had had the skills to say, let's go slow and really enjoy the process. And I definitely need my alone time for long walks, my own personal intellectual projects, and just being by myself.

You did not bring up the topic of sensory issues, such as repetitive sounds or moving computer graphics off to the side as I try and work, or overpowerful smells or scratchy clothes. And I like to tell parents, sensory issues are part of the problem, stimming is part of the solution (and yes, I'm all in favor of the public v. private distinction, and teaching, coaching, modeling the low-key methods)

And, Welcome to Wrong Planet!

PS A reasonably good case can be made that Carl Sagan himself was on the Spectrum! He certainly was a unique, creative person who marched to his own drummer.

Hello and Welcome. We are all quirky here. Aspies Are Awesome. Normality is boring. You just be you and forget the rest.

That's me too. I go deaf when looking someone in the eyes. I can either concentrate on what they are saying, or concentrate on looking them in the eyes; I can't do both.

I was self-diagnosed, and then professionally diagnosed last year.

I'm concerned about those drugs you've had to take. Must be an American thing. I bought an Asperger's book when I was first diagnosed and throughout the book they talked about what drugs to use on your Aspie child. I threw the book away.

Does it matter? That depends I guess. If you are confident that you have Asperger's, then you deal with Asperger's as you need to. If you’re in denial, then you could be prolonging the pain.
For me; I couldn't see my own oddness. I'm high functioning. To me, I did everything that everybody else does (minus the relationships). So I wanted to know for sure, do I have it? Yes or No. Aspies are a very black & white people, so I'm being consistent at least It turns out I was way above the 65% required. Now I can have a sigh of relief and learn what my needs are, what I can and cannot do.

I'm more comfortable with my life because of the diagnosis, but you seem to be confident of your own diagnosis. So perhaps the formal diagnosis is of little benefit to you. Did I help? Probably not.

In response to Aardvark: Yes I have sensory issues, I just never classified them as sensory issues until now. I can't stand shirt collars at all, much less tags. I managed to slightly NT the issue by buying old concert tshirts at thrift shops and cutting off all the collars, so it's kind of funny that people like the "vintage" shirts that I cut up, not realizing that ALL of my shirts except my work shirts look like that (and I throw those things off and grab one of mine as soon as I get home). I also do not eat red meat, the smell of it makes me nauseous and when I eat it, I swear I can taste the grease off of the animal, so I stick to poultry and seafood. I live in Southern Oklahoma, so this particular quirk is weird to other Southerners. As for people touching me, I only allow it if it has something to do with sex, other than that, I feel like Ford trying to give Arthur a hug in Hitchhiker's Guide...just feels weird, and my son feels the same about hugs.

Aunt, that was the first time I had actually read the definition for attachment disorder, although I had heard of it. All I can say for sure is that my mother is much like me, and often we get confused by each other's facial expressions (we live together, and so we are comfortable enough to ask the other several times a day if they are mad, which we look mad sometimes by our facial expressions, but are only confused or concentrating while gazing off...we just get mad after being asked the 3rd time that day). As for my father, he took medication for Type I Bipolar disorder, he was very extroverted, and would take us out often camping and stargazing, which is where I began learning about constellations and animals during the camping trips. He also died when I was 13 from a massive heart attack due to a crystal meth addiction (I got pregnant just over a year later), and he became very erratic and paranoid during the last 3-4 years of his life, so I could not tell during that time when it was safe to approach him with my usual questions or when he might start yelling just because a certain word I said brought back bad memories. I'm almost afraid to go in that territory, and I always flinch when asked by doctors about my parents, not because it bothers me anymore, but because I hate having to verbally rehash through the bad childhood cliche.

^^^
the reason what you said rang a bell is because I have the disinhibited form of the disorder, i'd done some research and found out about the reactive form.

Seems like I would fit more of the criteria for inhibited RAD, and it is very interesting now that I am reading about it. Thank you for mentioning that.

No, labels don't matter.

I relate very much to the traits you shared. I also have an issue with shirt collars and tags. As a child, I used to accidentally cut holes in my shirts trying to cut tags off by myself. My poor mother. I also have tactile issues with certain fabrics and stuff like cotton balls and tissues. I've been called cold, distant, stoic... I have a son and, yes, my empathy lacks. I love him and I don't want him to get hurt but when he does I usually scold him for being careless rather than immediately comfort him. I seem to be unable to fully connect with others. I don't even understand what that really means but that's what I've been able to gather via feedback. That said, I am in a good relationship now primarily due to a lot of open communication. It was bumpy at first until I disclosed my suspicions of having Aspergers and explaining what that meant and then going from there.

I don't think I'd benefit from an official diagnosis. I think the realization that I have it and the implications is the most important part. I couldn't see myself. I thought I was normal but no one else saw me as normal. (When I decided to tell some people they all responded like "Ohh, that's what it is!" like it all made sense now.) Now that I know, I know I need to be mindful of myself during social interactions, etc. I've also given myself the freedom to pursue my interests and letting my geek side show. I'm weird anyway, might as well enjoy myself now that I know I'm not passing as NT. I still think it's a misunderstood condition and am leery of being labeled. I keep thinking what if the government in all it's erroneous "wisdom" decides to restrict autistic people from doing things like driving vehicles or owning weapons because they don't really understand that we're not mentally ill. Yeah, I'll stay undiagnosed TYVM.

OK, this is all I need to know.
Whatever the label, your brain works in really great ways and the world is lucky to have you in it.

The labels will all be changing for the next few decades as the symptom-based system of categorization is gradually replaced with evidence based etiological categories and a deeper understanding of the genetic and epigenetic underpinnings of neurological development and functioning.

But anyone who appreciates Sagan is OK in my reckoning.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxlPVSAnWOo[/youtube]

That was a beautiful video Adamantium, I had never seen it before and I'm glad you posted it. I don't think labels matter either, but I still read a lot about mental conditions (I've read most of the current Merck's medical journal, but it also relates to my job and I get very curious about diagnoses I see at work that I have never heard of, so I always look it up and compare the symptoms listed to the resident's behaviour).

I also have a lot of trouble empathasizing with my sons, Tori. I have a bad habit of chastising immediately for mistakes that could have hurt my child instead of comforting, I guess because when something happens (for example, I caught my six year old playing with matches for the first time last week) I always imagine the worst outcome that could have happened and I panic, then I verbally reprimand them and tell them the awful scenarios that could have happened, not realizing how much I scared them with the truth at that moment. My oldest is diagnosed with Asperger's, my youngest is NT. My littlest one had a bad fever two nights ago, and he was very upset all night. It never occurred to me to hug him and comfort him, my solution was to explain exactly what a fever was to him, and explaining that a fever is just your body's natural way of trying to kill a virus by raising your body temperature and that he was going to be fine within a day or so with Tylenol every four hours. I did the same explaining tornadoes and thunder to my oldest after he saw the news about the massive tornado that hit Moore (we also live in Oklahoma). It actually helped calm them down on both counts, but it must seem strange to other parents to use logic on scary situations to your children rather than offering blind comfort, but that is just one of my parenting quirks. I do offer comfort also, but it takes pretty extreme signs (visible tears, etc) for me to see that I should be offering comfort and not logic at that moment, it doesn't come automatically to me. Protecting your young and explaining the world to them comes natural to me, I just need help with the hugs and kisses

just make those things part of the explanations, applied just before.