Am I having an "Aspie reaction" to my therapist re

Post Reply New Topic

For the past 18 years off and on I have worked with a therapist, who told me last week he is retiring in two months. He's 73, so it wasn't like I didn't know it would happen, but still, my head pretty much imploded with this news. I don't think I need to tell anyone here how much I don't like change, especially one this big or sudden. For the past 4 years I have seen him weekly, and he has helped me deal with both of my sons ASD diagnoses when they were 3, as well as my own, at the age of almost 40. All my sensory stuff and anxiety stuff, and social stuff and how to survive PTO meetings and IEP meetings for my kids without melting down or wanting to hide under the table.

So, from what I understand, the usual "termination process" of therapy is to keep going for a few more weeks, talk about all my feelings (abandonment, fear, all the work we have done etc.) and then make a plan for finding a new therapist.

I DO NOT want a new therapist. In fact, I can't even bring myself to see my current one again. I feel like my brain is in the blender and all I can do is cry and hide. I have gone into complete social withdrawal, my husband is thankfully doing everything with the kids school stuff and meals. My therapist called today to set up an appointment next week, I initially said ok, then had my husband call back and cancel it. It just hurts too much to even think about seeing him again, now that I know it's ending.

Has anyone else gone through this? I know I will get through it, I just SERIOUSLY DO NOT want another therapist, or feel like I could ever trust one again. This one's mine, has known me forever, and basically other than my husband is my only friend. I don't know if I should force myself to go back and say bye, for closure, like an adult... but I feel like I already am so socially snail-like, what good will it do? It's over, so... it's over.

Medically speaking I have a big phobia of doctors, and I gave up on depression meds for myself a long time ago. I did feel like the anxiety meds helped, but I've had my sensory and anxiety issues my whole life, I'm not sure it's worth it to even continue seeking relief from them via Ativan. At least, Ativan isn't worth having to go through the agony of starting over with a new doc. I think.

Anyway, my husband asked me to post on here and ask if other Aspie's react this way to losing their therapists? Honestly this feels more like a death than a "health care provider" thing. I'm in gridlock and don't know what to do.

Any advice? Thanks.

I can't really say it's an aspie thing since I know A LOT of NT's who have refused to get a new therapist when theirs retired, left the city they were in, said they would be better helped by another person, etc. And actually DID stop going to their current one immediately. You've given 18 years to this person to build up trust and a way to communicate. Starting all over is a huge ordeal and won't be easy if you do decide to try a new person. I do recommend maybe at least getting a list of therapists your current one would recommend for you... JUST in case.

Don't get mad that you don't trust them like you did this one if you try someone else- You haven't seen them for 18 years yet. I bet you didn't trust this one very much at first, either.

Ask your current therapist to help you find a new one that can work with you. If you find a new therapist with his/her help make sure they (your old and your new therapists) talk at length (with your permission of course) so you do not have to start everything all over again. Use the support of the old while you still have it to create a bridge to the new experience. Good Luck.

Issues with ending therapy are pretty common for anyone in therapy, no matter what their issues are.

Good therapy depends on forming a strong bond with that particular therapist, such that you can trust them enough to tell them deeply personal things and let yourself feel vulnerable in their presence. That's something you can't readily transfer to a new person. It's basically a milder variant of the same kind of bond a child forms with their parent.

As a result, when therapy has to end - whatever the reason - the emotions tend to be intense.

i forget my therapist even exists until myPhone/myPad alerts me of the next appointment.

I got a laugh out of your username when I read after I read the post. I'm not sure where what I would do however I think an honest thoughtful referal to another therapist by your current one would be a start, surely our current one knows a few who would be at least decent replacement. Perhaps theres something your current one can do to ease the transition. It sounds like you still would like and require the use of one. I feel bad for you though as it often feels like there are more potentally unhelpful people in the medical feild then helpful.

Thanks for all the replies. After reading them I've decided to go back a few more times to end it correctly, rather than running in the other direction as fast as I can the way I usually do.

As for another therapist (ugh!! !) I'll take some names but I probably won't volunteer to do this again (until it gets to the point where my family is begging me to go, LOL).

I have had (and still have) a bad reaction to abrupt termination of my therapy earlier this year, about 6 months ago. The therapy had lasted for about 2 years, and the therapist was the one who diagnosed me with Aspergers. I really liked him and had quite great trust in him, although I tend to have issues with face to face communication (zoning out, hard to integrate all aspects of the conversation, takes quite some time to warm up etc) and found it difficult to connect emotionally within the frame of 50 minutes sessions - so I am not sure if he realised that I trusted him.

The therapy encompassed a mix of talk, drawing on a board (visualise explanations), and written homework. I also gave him elaborate written explanations of some of my personal issues. Some of these, which I explained in writing and/or talk, are about problems with things like unexpected rescheduling of sessions, "open ends" (issues raised and then "forgotten" without being clarified), unanswered questions, uncertainty and lack of clarification in general, lack of closure, et.c... and a tendency that specific unresolved problems become points of fixation; I can get caught in what I call "mind loops" of constant re-evaluation of explanations that keeps circling in my mind and evolve into depressions if I can't figure out the explanation for something that has shocked me or been a point of strong frustration or just is very puzzling.

I had my last regular session last year in November, and the agreement was that I would continue this year, and it was implied that that would be the last "season" ~ doctor referred sequence of sessions covered by medicare. The topic to focus on was also set, and the first next appointment date after the summer break (summer = December - January, since this is Australia).

During the summer, my husband was diagnosed with a serious life threatening disease and was in hospital for most of the first half of 2014. My reaction was to focus on the positive aspects of the situation and be proactive and more upbeat than usual. I often respond to threatening situations that way - with positivity, task focus and problem solving attitude. That is a survival instinct I think.

2 days before the appointment date, I was called up by the secretary who asked a confusing question about whether my plan was to continue. I reminded her of my appointment date 2 days later, but she said I did not have it. She scheduled me for another date by the end of the month, and emailed me an overview of the next 4 (monthly) appointments. I was shaken afterwards: what happened to my original appointment date? It was printed on the receipt and had written it in my calendar.

When I came to the (rescheduled) session, I started out very tense (as usual) but upbeat. I felt very disconnected and anxious, but stuck to my positive focus and what I had decided to say. My therapist asked how I was doing (I hate that question, it is too broad), and when I said "quite good", he responded with "That is fantastic! Then you don't need me anymore! You have achieved everything you set out to do!".

I kept smiling, was cooperative and didn't ask any questions as to why the therapy stopped so abruptly, didn't confront the contradictions (such as the appointment dates, the agenda, and that he had previously said that I would be the one deciding when to end therapy). I had a sense of a huge looming catastrophe, way more than what could be contained in the rest of a 50 minute session, and my top priority was to keep control, stay calm and positive, and go away with dignity. It has always been a set decision for me to end the therapy on a positive note and provide positive feedback, and since this was the ending, that script unfolded. However, the positivity fell apart for me like a card house as soon as I walked out of the clinic, and shifted right into shock mode, and then constant speculations and instant deep depression that lasted for about one and a half month initially.

Then I got better, but then more things happened. My dad died, and other things happened. Again, I responded to the new shock with positivity and problem solving attitude, but it only lasted for about a month. The last few months I've been very depressed most of the time, and confused about my life. Regardless what I want to focus on, my mind keep working on futile speculations and theories about what happened with the abrupt therapy stop; analysing backwards trying to detect the mistakes I made, when I overstepped my boundaries (I must have), cues I overlooked, and my misjudgement of my therapist: clearly I read him wrong. He may have been really sick of me for a long time and then suddenly snapped. Where were the signs? Thinking back, I can see a lot and begin to chain them together, it start to make sense... in a very depressing way. That's just one theory, I have many... contradicting each other and dynamically replacing each other. I can't stop the loop I hate my mind.

Ironically, it was on my agenda (unwritten) to schedule the end date for the therapy; to be up front about it. I wasn't prepared for it to happen suddenly on that same day though... that was against the plan. I was already uneasy/invisibly agitated due to the disappearance of the original appointment, and because it is difficult to reconnect after a break, and because of worries about my husband and the future, so my coping skills were already stretched as much as they could. It isn't the end of therapy that is bothering me (I think), I was prepared to prepare for that... it is the suddenness, the contradictions, the confusion, that traps me.

What I can not understand is that, if the therapy had to end at that time, why it wasn't just phased put by the end of last year, by eg. announcing the last session it 3-4 sessions ahead of it. That would have given time to prepare mentally for the change and close open ends. And if it had to end abruptly for some important reason I don't know about, why wasn't I given a proper explanation? a sort of acknowledgement that this would of course trigger a crisis (how could it not?), respect for the need for closure, instead of superficial cheery statements that make no sense. I don't understand it (hence relentless speculations). The sentence "You have achieved everything you set out to do!" has run on repeat in my head over and over many many times; I keep trying to analyse what it means, but can't make sense of it.

He did say that I could contact him again later in the year "if I needed a session" (he said it like that was unlikely), but what is the criteria for "needing a session?". and how can I know that he mean that, when he didn't mean the things that were agreed on last year? I know he has a very busy schedule, and even if he does want to see me (which I doubt), I don't think it would be realistic to fit a sudden therapy session in. It also wouldn't work for me with a session like an island in time. It is difficult enough to reconnect after 1 month (my regular sessions were monthly), the first 10 minutes of each session were usually wasted with being tense, awkward and disconnected from myself, until I was able to re-acquaint myself with the therapist and the place. Once that phase was overcome and it started to get interesting, then the session was soon over. Also, I don't think I would be able to trust him again - what I mean is trust that he can/want to help me and understand me (there is no distrust in other regards).

What also bothers me is that he probably thinks that the abrupt ending went really well, due to my delayed reaction - I acted smiling, upbeat, and like I was perfectly OK with it, as long I was in where he could see me. I'm very confused, tired, and stuck... It keeps running in my head and I don't know how to get my stupid mind to let go.

So yes, I don't know if this is an "aspie" thing, but I have big issues with the sudden loss of my therapist.

Last edited by AWD on 07 Sep 2014, 10:46 am, edited 1 time in total.

I'm sorry for the both of you!
Although I don't have a therapist. (How to find one or being able to afford it?) My daughter might need to see one, but there isn't anything/one to be found.

I changed dentist which wasn't a succesfull plan neither, the lady started already 'Look at me, I am your dentist!' when I looked at the other lady.
Then it was 'Rinse your mouth!', I answereded, when she repeated it, that I don't feel the need and she got more angry-You must!! (What is this the army?!)

(I think I broke the tap by the way, there was no water in the cup and no handle on the tap so I kicked it in the hope that it would make the water flow, but it was plastic and didn't work at all after that )
So I think I will change back to the old one, who does maybe not such a great job but at least he doesn't yell at me.

I have a real issue with dealing with changing psychiatrist/therapist.

You must wrap your mind around this thought to put it all perspective.

They are paid help. That's it. Not your lunch buddie. Not your BFF. If money didn't exchange hands weekly, would they have anything to do with you? I'm guessing no.

That really hammers home the relationship.  Doesn't mean they aren't wonderful,  helpful,  caring loving people. Listen,  my current shrink considers my DD's like his own grand daughter. He's year to year about staying or going. Dread of him leaving is the understatement.

My 1st shrink (who I adored, and we had a wonderful relationship) retired. Thought I would never find anyone so caring. Found 2nd shrink. Was with him for 5 years.  He retired. I grieved the loss of his friendship and advice. My current shrink I've had for 10 years.

Anyone who has a good therapist goes through this when the therapist/shrink leaves the therapeutic relationship. I don't know anyone who has had the above happen, not grieve.

One thing you should do, is have an appointment set up with someone else. If nothing else, to keep your medications going. You don't have to like this person, it's a stop gap so you can take your time finding someone you click with.

It took me over 6 months to find my current shrink, and three sh***y shrinks between the retired one and the current. It's a lot like dating. It will be harder for you because you see him weekly. My 2nd retired shrink actually spaced out our meetings and called on the phone before he pulled the plug.

I think the ASD makes it harder because of the social stuff and break in routine, but believe me, it is a pretty common reaction.

Good luck...

I've only ever had one shrink (and only for a few weeks because A. I didn't have a job at the time, and B. she was a sweet lady, but not very good at her job: we never actually discussed my problems.) I did however, have a mentor for four years, my high school English teacher. He was my best friend, and the most theraputic person I'd ever found to talk to; I trusted him more than anyone, including my own parents. He transferred schools the summer after I graduated, interestingly to a place in the same city where I would be starting university. I "broke into" his new school and went to visit him once to twice a week after school, for two years. During the spring months of my second year at college, he started hinting that I needed to start moving on, and that his priorities and time commitments had to be reserved for his new high school students. That practically killed me. The fifteenth of April, 2013 was the last time I saw or spoke to him. I've written him a couple of 'happy birthday' facebook posts and tried emailing him once or twice that summer, but never heard back. It was gut-wrenching, like my best friend in the whole world had died, but the longer I stayed away, the easier it became to live without him, and now, a year and five months later, I rarely think of him. I think it would be too hard to see him again if I ever got the chance, but I do still think of him and miss him from time to time. It's very hard to lose someone you're that close with and feel that safe with. If your therapy isn't complete, I would try to look for someone else (as I have done: starting real therapy with someone I've never met tomorrow), but take your time, allow yourself grieving space, and know that, no matter how it feels now, you will probably be able to form an equally strong, if different, bond with whoever you find to help you next. Good luck, it's not easy.