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CentralFLM
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04 Feb 2012, 11:20 am

Hi guys I would like to share a few tips I've learned in how to deal and socialize with NTs. I would also like for you to share with me how you cope with them as well.
The best way I can describe the NT social community would be like riding a surf board. Think of NTs like an ocean wave and you as the surfer on a board. We Aspies have a tendency to to want to make sudden forceful entries or actions into our lives including our social lives. But unfortunately for us the NT social world does not work that way. You have to analyze your environment, get on the board and slowly merge with the wave and hope you stay on. If you take your board and forcefully barge into an incoming wave you will crash and pulled under.
This is what us Aspies have a tendency to do in the social world. We desperately want to relate to others so when we enter new social environments we may immediately start talking about our special interest without realizing that we have not earned the right to surf the social wave. NTs see us sometimes as obnoxious, selfish, and sometimes freaked out by us.



Mdyar
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04 Feb 2012, 11:49 am

CentralFLM wrote:
Hi guys I would like to share a few tips I've learned in how to deal and socialize with NTs. I would also like for you to share with me how you cope with them as well.
The best way I can describe the NT social community would be like riding a surf board. Think of NTs like an ocean wave and you as the surfer on a board. We Aspies have a tendency to to want to make sudden forceful entries or actions into our lives including our social lives. But unfortunately for us the NT social world does not work that way. You have to analyze your environment, get on the board and slowly merge with the wave and hope you stay on. If you take your board and forcefully barge into an incoming wave you will crash and pulled under.
This is what us Aspies have a tendency to do in the social world. We desperately want to relate to others so when we enter new social environments we may immediately start talking about our special interest without realizing that we have not earned the right to surf the social wave. NTs see us sometimes as obnoxious, selfish, and sometimes freaked out by us.



Good illustration there.

One trick is listening and knowing the culture of the individual. To sense the other mind in the way he or she thinks. In different situations, some folks plain want it straight up with facts. They want you to talk first by drawing you out.

It's all complex and I've learned to sense the trajectory within milliseconds of where to turn in this.

It's a dynamic of a thousand ways to turn and this is developed over much time. It is subconscious and has a strong nonverbal cognitive element to it.

Once you get on the wave it becomes much more complex and the above starts to play out. It is developed instinctively or unconsciously over much time.

It's an incredible Art to push the right buttons.



Robdemanc
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04 Feb 2012, 12:00 pm

I like your surfing analogy. I know what you mean about taking time to listen to what NT's are going on about. My problem is that they normally talk about uninteresting stuff that just has the effect of depressing my brain.

I think they should start talking about interesting things instead of us having to sink to mundane chit chat about nothing.



usaneanderthal
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05 Feb 2012, 12:32 am

yep --Nts conversations are usually about gosip,gosip, nonsense and reality TV.....

as an aspie I want to discuss the nautre of time ,sasquatsch as neanderethals, epigenetics of cancer....etc...etc
big gap to cross between the 2 groups.



1000Knives
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05 Feb 2012, 1:16 am

I feel like sometimes the best thing to do to socialize with NTs is just be like "uh-huh" "yes" "oh really?" Repeat those after something, and let the other person talk, usually more of that and less "But you see, the reason why...." That generally is how my conversations with anyone in the rest of the world goes. People would like me much more if I just said "uh-huh, I understand, I see, oh really?"

One of my big problems and strengths is I have a tendency to wanna give everyone advice about everything I have any knowledge of, some people like it, most people don't I guess.

I gotta admit, though, I don't have problems really in public talking to strangers really, as I just take the rationale of "I'll probably never see them again..." So there's no pressure. My problems socializing are with my age group, I more or less only feel "wrong planet" around them. Adults I feel like I communicate perfectly fine with. I think it's more because adults tend to keep up less with "trends" as they get older, and just sorta go "heh, I like what I like, oh well." Like, for example, my dad listens to Abba now. He didn't (I believe) when he was younger, he'd listen to like Black Sabbath or something, as it presented a cooler image or whatever, but now he's just like "screw it, I'm gonna listen to Abba cuz I can" at age 54. And that's sorta where I'm at now, I've not been in youth society (school) since 2007, that'll be 5 years, so as such, I've sorta just developed a lot independently, as adults do.

Meh whatever, sorry for a long post about myself as always. Another tip I get from people, they say I talk about myself too much. I'm told I'm supposed to ask people about themselves in conversations. I don't like that, as when people ask me too much, I feel like I'm being interrogated, so I don't do it to others because I don't like it happening to myself. I feel like the friends I keep, in our conversations, we just talk about ourselves back and forth. So another tip, try not to talk about yourself, but oddly, just interrogate the hell out of the other person. I got no idea how that's supposed to work, but apparently it does...? How, I got no idea.



fishsticks
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05 Feb 2012, 2:06 am

I usually just repeat " oh, cool" " oh , really" "awesome" " wow" " ya" "interesting" or some derivative of these expressions to keep myself focused and attentive to the conversation.



RiverRawr
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05 Feb 2012, 2:30 am

Isn't it actually THEM that have the problem, not us... I mean, wouldn't the world be a better place if we just dove right into intimate and meaningful conversations that could actually make a difference?

I don't have much patience to sit around and waiting for the right "socially acceptable" moment to change the subject from Jersey Shore to something meaningful or more personal.

Normal people are so image-conscious.... and full of fear of looking bad, sounding bad, saying the wrong thing, making a poor impression. I don't really have that fear.



RiverRawr
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27 May 2013, 11:32 am

Robdemanc wrote:
I like your surfing analogy. I know what you mean about taking time to listen to what NT's are going on about. My problem is that they normally talk about uninteresting stuff that just has the effect of depressing my brain.

I think they should start talking about interesting things instead of us having to sink to mundane chit chat about nothing.


Yeah, I agree with this, otherwise its just a waste of time and I could be doing better things, even if its by myself.



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27 May 2013, 2:54 pm

Take your time with it. Ask how their weekend was occasionally, then listen and say something like "great" (Unless they say they attended a funeral or something like that of course.)

Laugh at their jokes.

Most people just want to feel they are liked, NT are no different than AS in that respect.