Conflict at work, looking for input

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I had a conflict at work yesterday. A coworker in what I identified as a semi-aggressive tone told me to stop looking like I'm about to die all the time. I've been under severe stress over the last few months and it's been all I could do to just focus on doing my job without crying, but I couldn't tell her that. She's the kind of person who judges everyone strictly by her own standards for herself. She can't imagine my situation, so if I say "I'm incredibly stressed" she'll say "well I'm stressed and I'm not complaining" in a voice dripping with hostile sarcasm. She always seems to have something critical to say about me. I'm never good enough and I never do anything right.

So she was hassling me about not looking energetic and happy and she wouldn't let it go, so I told her I'm not eating gluten this week and it's been tough to adjust. Unfortunately this was the wrong excuse to give because she responded "well I don't eat gluten, or sugar, or anything, and I'm still smiling, see?" Then she flashed an exaggerated smile at me that looked like a chimp baring its teeth. I dropped eye contact, muttered "good for you" and got out of there. Later on she criticized the way I handled a girl in the classroom (she's not even a teacher) and I just lost it and had to run out of the room to cry in the toilet.

This girl knows I have AS but has never accepted that as a genuine difficulty (because it's not something she's ever had to deal with), and never takes it into account under any circumstances. I was really angry and upset and cried all the way home from work. When I got home I decided I would avoid further conflict by not mentioning it again and hope she just let it go. But she sent me an email saying she was sorry if she said something wrong, it was not intended, and explained in writing the point she was trying to make about the girl in class.

I wrote back that it was fine, I agreed with her point about the girl, there needn't be any conflict over it. Then I decided I'd take the opportunity to point out that the thing that really upset me was her criticizing me for not smiling. I said I was going through a lot of things in my personal life that I didn't want to talk about at work, I gave the gluten thing as a quick reason just to end the conversation, and she seemed to react as though this reason wasn't acceptable and to say I should be smiling anyway, which just upset me more because I've been trying very hard to hide my problems and appear normal. I asked her to please try to keep in mind that you can never really know what is going on in someone else's life, and it's not really fair to judge another person without knowing their whole situation. I ended the email by thanking her for her help in the classroom and wishing her a nice evening.

Just now I came to the office to eat my lunch on my break and she was here working. She immediately said she wanted to react to what I had written, that she thought I was being very unfair, that I had read things into her words that she didn't mean and I was wrong to say she should consider that there might be something else going on in my life. She said I seem unhappy all the time, so there's no way for her to know if something exceptional is wrong, and that normal people actually SMILE most of the time so it's clear when something is wrong. There was a lot of aggression in her voice so I stopped her, told her I heard aggression in her tone, that I didn't want to have an argument, I just wanted to eat my lunch and relax. She got extra-offended and waved her hands in the air and said fine, we don't have to talk, I was just trying to solve this. I was already crying and trying to hide it by looking at my food and finally she stopped and left me alone.

What I'd like to know from you guys, both from other aspies and especially from NTs, is whether I have done something wrong here. I've tried to follow all the social protocols I know to be polite and appropriate. I've done my best to be friendly and fair. I never show any aggression and when someone shows aggression towards me I tend to cry and run away. I feel like this girl is bullying me, but no one else seems to have a problem with her. She talks to me like I'm a child who needs to be scolded for eating her own boogers or something.

But I'm entirely open to the possibility that I've misread something or misspoken or done something wrong by accident. At the very least I'd like to try to understand her point of view on this. Why is she aggressive towards me? Have I inadvertently done something to offend her?

Thanks guys.

That sounds terrible!
Just for reference, I'm NT.
Yes, she was being aggressive. Probably because she sees you as someone to control and she obviously likes to be in control.
Yes, you have offended her by not smiling enough

You shouldn't waste anytime worrying about her. She is mean and controlling. She has no right to tell you what expression she wishes to see on your face. Just worry about yourself and tell her to find something better to do with her time.
Good luck, please try not to be too sad about it, this is her problem not yours.

Just a few things that I thought.

I wonder what your tone of voice was like. Could have been very unfriendly? That could have further offended her. Still it's not your fault. She shouldn't start such an unwelcome conversation with you in the first place.

At least she tells you honestly what she thinks rather than just bitching about you behind your back. Still she's unnecessarily interfering with you.

Basically this "issue" of you not smiling is not actually an issue at all. Your colleague shouldn't try to tell you how your facial expression should be. It's not as if you kept making serious mistakes in your job. Your facial expression is not her business. If she still harasses you, you could point out that she shouldn't worry about your facial expression because it has nothing to do with work and it's not her business.

I think she's bullying you. Is there a boss that you can speak to if it gets worse? I know you wouldn't want to take serious action because it could make it even more stressful, but if she keeps harassing you, you have no choice but to involve someone who can stop it.

If you can, try not to waste your time and energy for your coworker.

Your co-workers motives are unclear. 1) Is she a controlling bully? 2) Is she concerned and this is her way of showing it?

When motives of another are unclear I always assume that their behavior is coming from positive intentions. This may not be true, but responding as if it were so tends to calm the situation down.

My Mom used to constantly go at me to smile more when I was a child (we didn't know I had autism then.) In fact your co-worker reminds me of her immensely.

Anyway, my advice - treat this person with superficial condescension - she seems to love to be in your business (where she does not belong,) so you have to deal with her like you would a puppy that wants attention - pacify her, manage her like you manage the kids. She is not your friend, and she will escalate this as far as you let her.

I don't have any advice for you, but I have a coworker just like that and I have the same reactions you've described. I think you might be my twin! To me, it sounds like you responded politely and fairly.

Ask her if she wants you to smile like this :

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5WtD23tWJAM[/youtube]

I would remind her of your Aspergers and that people with it don't emote the way normal people do and that just because you don't smile all the time (really? who smiles all the time?) doesn't mean you're always miserable. Other than that, she just sounds like one of those people with a "big" personality that people either love or hate. Us Aspies have a hard time interpreting their intentions so it usually doesn't go to well unless you both reach an understanding. I'd say try to explain a little what it's like to be an Aspie and then let it go. The fact that she is reaching out, like that email after work hours, says to me that your well-being does matter to her so maybe she'll step up and be more empathetic once she understands a little more.

People certainly don't smile all the time, she is talking crap. However, there have been threads about this before, we are more prone to have flat affect and I have had people saying to me "smile!" in a sort of rolling their eyes to the heavens voice a few times in the past. You don't need to walk round like a grinning idiot, and you don't need to smile to please others.

This woman sounds aggressive and domineering, she sounds like one of those people in denial about their own life, blustering along pretending their own s**t doesn't exist. Hence she cannot tolerate others not being the same. She is clearly irritated by you and has singled you out to make her feelings known, but that's her problem. You can't win with someone like this, so it's best to ignore her.

This is a type of bullying, and could get out of control if you don't distance yourself from her. Just tell her "we must agree to disagree and leave it at that" if she says anything else to you.

She is the type never to understand Asperger's anyway, so it's a useless battle trying to educate her. You certainly don't owe her any explanations, your business (including your facial expression) is your business, not hers.

Avoid her if you can.

I would have just told her to leave the drama online, you don' want it at work and save it for email. "Sorry, if you want to discuss my email, do so in email, not here, I prefer to have the drama online than in real life."


Since you say she judges everyone, it just sounds like she is the one with the problem and other people probably have problems with her too so it's not you. Have you seen her have conflicts with other people too? Sometimes when you watch how someone treats others and hear what people say about that person, it also helps because then you know to not take it too personal and blame it all on yourself. If others have had problems with that person, then it's obviously not you so I wouldn't blame it all on your AS.

NT here.

Your co-worker gets into things with you which are none of her business. Your facial expressions are not her territory to lord over; one comment about it is more than enough. Her interpersonal boundaries with you are too aggressive for a personal relationship, much less a professional relationship. She sounds to me like a very difficult person to be with in any environment.

Sometimes in a work environment there is an individual who is so difficult that everyone's relationship with that individual is avoidance. I have one such in my work environment. To the objective observer, she would appear to not be in conflict with any of her co-workers. That is because none of her co-workers is willing to engage in any sort of exchange with her aside greetings and banal chat and they all keep the chat to a bare minimum. When she gets aggressive (and she often does) we all ignore it. If she insists on a response we just say something like; That's fine. We resort to giving short non-sequitur responses.

In other words; although it would appear that no one has a problem with her; everyone has a problem with her. Don't get me wrong, when she's bored into any one of us, that person will get thrown off emotionally briefly. From time to time everyone has remarked, "Uh; I'm a bit off kilter just now; I was working with Linda." And we all know exactly what that feels like.

This is golden advise. Your co-worker will not like it, but she will not like any reasonable response.

Your co-worker sounds like a bully.

Thanks for all the feedback, guys.

My initial reaction to her is that she's a bully. It certainly feels that way. Another example of this type of situation is that I was in the (extremely tiny) kitchen making a cup of tea and she was standing behind me doing something, then after a couple of minutes she made an exaggerated throat-clearing noise. I looked over at her and she was giving me a cartoonish expression of impatience. I asked her what was up and she rolled her eyes and said "MOST people would realize when they are in the way." I told her that if she wanted me to move, she just needed to ask me to move and I would be happy to, but I'm not psychic. She got even more impatient and scolded me like a child (she's about 5 years younger than me by the way, still in college) and said these were the kinds of things I needed to learn to be a functioning adult (I've been a functioning independent adult since she was still in high school). These sorts of encounters happen all the time. On one occasion, she started an argument with me about whether chapstick dries out your lips (I was saying it does and she was rolling her eyes and making a scene about how ridiculous that would be and how stupid I was for believing everything I read). I was so frustrated that that evening I sent her a (polite) email with links to scientific papers describing how these products are bad for your lips and dry out the skin. She responded that she actually believed me from the start, but she just loved the "fighting" look I get on my face when someone argues with me. That's definitely bullying as far as I'm concerned - upsetting someone intentionally just because you like the look on their face! I warned her that I had been bullied for most of my life and I didn't appreciate it, and I wanted her to stop.

She likes to rant about everything that other people do wrong - so-and-so should really do this better, whatsername should stop saying this thing, etc. But she doesn't seem to think of this as being anything but helpful. She feels that she can clearly and easily see what everyone else is doing wrong, and the correct way to do it, and everyone would be a lot happier if they would just listen to her (presumably thanking her for her glorious insights). The most frustrating thing about this is that she is, in fact, very capable. She seems to be able to handle just about any situation and she can't fathom how anyone might have a hard time with something that comes easily to her.

But there are a lot of other factors that make me question whether my judgment is sound. Most of the time she is very friendly. She has a decent sense of humor. I asked a couple of coworkers if they've ever had a conflict with her and they said no; the worst comment was that she can be a little nosy and press people to answer for their bad moods when they don't want to talk about what's bothering them. But the hardest thing for me is one specific coworker. I'm basically in love with her. She's amazing and the two of us get along brilliantly. If I thought I had a chance with her I'd take a shot immediately, but I can never figure out if she's interested or not. But she and the "bully" have lately become close friends. They are always talking and laughing and joking and having a good time. Whenever she sees the bully coming, her expression brightens and she rushes over to have a chat with her. If the three of us are in the same room, the two of them will chat in lowered voices (and in Czech, to boot) and ignore me completely. I get the feeling they might even have some sort of romantic relationship. But I don't understand it at all. This other girl is so much like me I sometimes wonder if she's an aspie too. We dress the same way, have the same sense of humor, the same sensitivities, and we can both be awkward at times. Why does she seem to be so enamored with this other girl? And why doesn't the bully give her the same crap she gives me?

It makes me wonder if she's really not so bad, and it's just me taking things too personally. This has happened before. There was a whole group of people who always seemed to gang up on me and laugh at my expense. I always got really upset about it, and they always rolled their eyes and said I was being ridiculous. Then one day a mentor of mine who was helping me with social skills saw this happen and told me that actually I was the one who was wrong. Apparently they were just joking around in the same manner as they did with each other, teasing a little bit but in a good-natured way that I didn't pick up on (to this day I don't understand how this works). They expected me to be able to laugh with them and then toss a quip back at one of them. The fact that I got offended made me seem bitter and insecure. This current situation doesn't feel the same, but it's possible that I'm missing something here.

I've been filled with anger for two days now and it's taking a toll on me. I don't want to confront this girl because I know that any explanation I try to give will only be met with more offense and sarcasm and aggression. She might respect me if I threw aggression back at her, properly standing up for myself and not showing weakness, but I'm not capable of that. When I tried to do it today I just ended up crying. I would love to avoid this girl but there are only 8 people working in my school and she regularly helps out in the classroom when we're shorthanded.

Anyway I'm leaving this school at the end of June. I only have to last a bit longer. I'm really looking forward to that, although the pressure is on to find a new job for next year...

Actually, I have said things like this in the past. When I suggest that I might handle a situation better in writing (with my boss, other coworkers, etc.) she gets that judgmental look on her face and says such issues should ALWAYS be handled face to face. That if you resort to doing it in writing, you lose all respect and credibility. She says you must do it face to face, and be careful of the other person's reactions, making sure you tailor your tone and body language to their mood. I pointed out that I'm almost completely unable to read other peoples' facial expressions and body language, and have a great deal of difficulty regulating my own, so such situations never go as they should for me. She paused for a moment and I could see the lack of comprehension wash over her, then, as though I had just tried to derail the conversation by describing the details of a recent sporting event, she said in the same tone, "Well... Anyway, you should ALWAYS handle these situations face to face, and be careful to do it the right way."

There is just no communicating with her. She seems to me to be quite narcissistic. She can do no wrong and if I try to suggest that she isn't perfect I'm treated as though I just insulted her. Every criticism is treated like an unfounded personal attack. She can find a way to be offended by anything I say, if she chooses to.

EDIT: By the way, I think it's worth noting that I do not walk around looking miserable all the time. If I'm happy, I show it. I've even been told I have a nice smile. When I'm working with the children or talking to their parents, or if I'm doing something I enjoy, I look happy. But it takes an incredible amount of effort to deal with the sensory overload that comes from working with small children, and I am genuinely exhausted most of the time. When I get to work in the morning I am bleary-eyed and dreading the difficult day ahead. When the kids are screaming and fighting (which is often) I know I look stressed. When I have a few minutes to myself I tend to look blank. But I asked my other coworkers if I look miserable all the time and they said no. It's possible they were just being polite but until now I've never been accused of looking miserable all the time. What's more, in this culture (Czech) people do not walk around smiling for no reason like Americans tend to do. They are more genuine than that. Smiling at a stranger just looks odd here. I can't understand why this girl seems to think I'm obligated to look happy all the time.

My interpretation: she's a controlling bully and you're an easy target. You need to fight back and stop internalizing your emotions and overthinking everything and feeling crappy.

You have to be bold to people like this, especially when you're around other people. Put your foot down. If she says why aren't you smiling, say something back. Like "who assigned you to being happy police? of course i'm not going to smile with a pest like you floating around like a bad smell". Smile and laugh after you say it.

Explain firmly, preferably in front of other people, that you are done being nice to her and if she has personal issues she should see a therapist instead of harassing her colleagues.

She didn't need to know you're AS, she'll probably just use that as an excuse to absolve herself of blame and to make her the victim. If she brings that up, say "yes AS makes me very perceptive, including figuring out people like you have personal issues and try empower themselves by harassing others, so back off and don't talk to me anymore".

Done. You have to put your foot down. You have to keep company with people who make you feel good about yourself. If you don't you will just be a chess piece to people like this and waste your time and energy. Good luck.

In light of your follow up posts I'd say forget about trying to reach an understanding with her. There's a longer history of her "bullish" behavior than I originally gathered and seeing you're leaving anyway I'd just forget about her. If you had the ability to stand up for yourself I'd say to do that but I understand if you're not able to confront her. You have certainly done nothing wrong, she is in the wrong, so take some comfort in that.

Unless your job requires you to interact with the public (in which case, smiling might be necessary), then your co-worker is way out of line. If you are doing your work well, your expression can be whatever you want it to be. A decent co-worker would say "You look like you're under a lot of stress--is there anything I can do to help?" The person talking to you sounds like the office bully. Unless she's got some power over you, I would just avoid her as much as possible.

She is sticking her nose in and pushing you on things that are none of her business.

However if you are genuinely so stressed that you are constantly bursting into tears, maybe her concern (which she has a funny, uncaring way of expressing, it must be said!) is warranted.

Are you seeing someone to get help with your depression/emotional instability? It isn't normal to feel this way all the time and you deserve to feel happy & not stressed out like that.