Using cussing as a gauge of friendship / trust...

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Hey all,

Over the years I've had a difficult time discerning who was really friends with me and who was simply being polite. Being "friendly" isn't the same as being a friend.

One thing I've recently realized is a good gauge of how much someone trusts you, feels comfortable with you, is friends with you, is how much they cuss around you.

Now, obviously if they're cussing *at* you, calling you names or otherwise being insulting, that's not friendly, unless of course that's the nature of your friendship done in a friendly joking way (usually not).

But if someone feels comfortable enough to cuss around you in causal conversation, more than they would in more formal situations, then it's a good sign they feel comfortable with you, enough to let their guard down a bit.


My father for example would cuss a lot at home, usually when upset. In casual conversation he would cuss sparingly with most family members and in large groups, but while in conversation with me one-on-one he would often cuss much more than in front of other family members. He and I were very close, and it was a sign that he was comfortable enough with me to be himself and not try to cover up this part of his personality that others may frown on. He would rarely cuss with his friends or coworkers, it could easily be seen that he only cussed with those he knew well and felt comfortable with.

I just moved in and my neighbor and I have just gotten to know each other a bit through casual conversation in the yard. I've noticed that he cusses with his friends when I overhear them talking, and I likewise cuss with friends and family when they're over, but neither of us cuss in casual conversation with each other. And that's an indication to me that the left of comfort and trust hasn't yet been reached where we feel at ease enough to let our guard down and be "ourselves". Nothing wrong with that mind you, I don't expect to be best friends at this point, but it's good to be aware of where we stand.



Just thought I'd share this bit of insight as I know others have also had difficulty discerning "friendly" from "friend".

Dan O.

In this case, you're using curse words as a cultural sign of familarity. Curse words have long served this purpose, through, and they are very culturally sensative.

I've noticed this as well, particularly now that I've been in college for a few years. Personally, being around people who never swear makes me uncomfortable for this reason. Not only does it make it more difficult to discern your standing with them, I also have to make sure I don't do it myself. That's a pretty tall task just because I tend to do it quite a bit without a lot of conscious thought.

Frankly, politeness in general tends to make me somewhat uncomfortable, which is hugely ironic considering polite behaviors entire purpose is to put people at ease. I understand its purpose when you are at work serving a customer, but most polite gestures are largely unnecessary, in my opinion. After all, politeness is certainly not synonymous with being genuinely nice, and perceived rudeness is not synonymous with being mean or uncaring.

Politeness for its own sake is the most annoying and condescending thing as far as I'm concerned. As if showing real emotion is going to bother me. I can handle myself, thank you very much. Many people who use excessive manners just want to deflect attention from themselves when things go wrong. "Don't look at me! I was polite to everyone! I'm perfect!" I'll take a sailor any day. At least I know he's being genuine, even if he is drunk.

I think by-and-large most people avoid cussing in formal situations or when they're not familiar with people because it can be deemed offensive.

like avoiding cussing on TV / Radio / Advertizing, it's done because it can be deemed offensive by certain viewers, and obviously they don't want to offend the people that are their market.



I agree thought that an excessive amount of politeness can come off as disingenuous. It's often done as a lead-in to them asking some soft of favor or otherwise getting their way, buttering up, brown-nosing, etc.

I'm not really talking about being polite and using all kinds of pleasantries, but merely being aware of how often cussing is used in conversation as a means to gauge how comfortable that person is around you.


Most people have multiple personas, or images of their personality or character that they portray based on the social situation. You might cuss like a sailor with your friends, but not your friend's parents for example. You might use certain phrases or words, inside jokes, etc, that differ based on whether you're with friends, family, coworkers, etc. That's a very common and typical way of approaching different social environments and situations.


I agree though that having to avoid being oneself, and not being able to let your guard down and "be who you are" is very frustrating. This is something I usually deal with when certain friends / family that I would generally feel comfortable cussing around, being myself, etc, but I can't because they'll take offense to any cussing. Then I'm stuck in the awkward situation of wanting to be myself with friends / family, but not being able to be myself out of fear of criticism.

Dan O.

It's weird when you have one group of acquaintances that like to swear and another group that don't. It's frustrating to have to adjust how I act based on which group I'm with. Overall I've always felt better around people who don't mind swearing. If I'm allowed to swear I can break out of my shell more and not have people assume I'm super shy and timid which is annoying to me.