I can't stay angry/mad!! !
jamieevren1210
Veteran
Joined: 24 May 2011
Age: 28
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,290
Location: 221b Baker St... (OKAY! Taipei!! Grunt)
Believe me, this sucks. I for some reason cannot stay angry at someone for more than three minutes. I forgive over and over and people take advantage of me in this way.
I leave all my emotions to myself. On the outside I am the person who always apologizes if she thinks that she's made a mistake...no matter how minor. I smile and nod and talk (more or less) AND is nice to everyone...to the extent that except for close friends, no one is really convinced that I do indeed have an ASD. Then, at night, when I am alone, I let all the bottled up feelings flood me.
I keep thinking about what I might have done wrong, or something I said that I didn't think was appropriate enough. I think about my grades and my lack of executive skills. I think about unfinished work. I analyze every tiny detail of my life.
And I am very unhappy about how I cannot stay mad at people, especially my mother. She does not understand. She would yell at me for being late for dinner ("Why are you not down here yet???! !! It's 7:15!! !") I would reply "Nope, I've been here for two minutes already. I got downstairs at 7:13 and right now, I am standing outside the kitchen..."
I don't understand why she's so angry whenever I say this something like this! She would insist that I am being rebellious and disobedient while all I've done is to inform her what I really did. In fact, I am probably the most un-rebellious teenager I know!
She would then ramble on about the quiz I screwed up three weeks ago. And how disappointing a kid I am. But, as a matter of fact, I am perhaps the best English and biology student in my entire grade. I did mess up math, but the my score is actually 8 points higher than what she claims to be. But this time, I shut up.
I'm angry. I'm so angry that I could actually start to try out life as a rebellious, disobedient teenage as*hole.
Then something distracts me, and before I notice, I am again filled with love for my mother. I want to apologize for something I never did wrong and hug her perhaps. But I still remember what happened two minutes ago.
And it's the same way for teachers that are complete jerks, and those classmates who bullied me until I had no option but to transfer to another school.
What on earth happened between these two minutes?
What on earth is wrong with me? Why can't I retain anger for those who treat me badly?
Is anyone the same way??? Is there a rational explanation aside from me being a total masochist with no shame???
God, this is awful.
_________________
Will be off the internet for some time. I'm challenging myself to stop any unnecessary Internet activity. Just to let you know...
I am the same way. I can never, never hold on to anger, and it has definitely lead to me being hurt, used, abused.
Here is the only thing that helps for me: Rules.
You probably feel in a way that anger is irrational. Oh, it's just "something that comes out of you," and it doesn't make sense, so it's not something to base a decision on. And, it is that "decision" that you would make while angry that, maybe, you feel would allow you to get out of being hurt. "Oh, I'm so angry at her!! I won't be around her anymore!!"
So, take angry out of the equation.
Make yourself some basic rules for how you want to be treated. (I will be treated with basic respect. I will not be mocked. I will not be belittled. Etc.) If someone breaks those rules, it may make you angry. That is normal, because it is contrary to how you should be treated. But, it might not make you angry. It might make you feel sad, depressed, guilty, awkward, whatever. As a result of someone breaking one of those rules, you impose an appropriate consequences. A friend treats you badly? As a consequence, you will no longer go out of your way to do something for her that, maybe, you've done in the past. Your mother belittles you when you try to confide in her? As a consequence, you no longer confide in her, and, instead, make time in your school day to speak with the school counselor (or, something else that works for you.) Notice one thing: These consequences aren't to "lash out" at who you are angry at. They are made for YOU. "How do I make myself comfortable, after being treated this way?" The key thing here, that causes the consequences to not be dependent on your ability to stay angry, is, as I said before, taking anger out of the equation.
It is not: I was belittled. I am angry. So, while I am angry, I am going to stay away from her.
Instead, it is: I was belittled. The consequence of a person belittling me is that I spend time away from them, so as not to give them a chance to do it again.
It puts the consequences on THEM, for their actions, rather having those consequences be based in your temporary emotion. I find that it works much better! (Although, admittedly, I still need practice in enforcing, at times. Don't we all?) and it makes the point of all of this be " I will be treated with respect, and if I won't be, then I'll protect myself." rather than feeling that you can only protect yourself while you're feeling angry.
I hope that makes sense! I haven't had my coffee today, ha!
_________________
-- Wherever you go, there you are. --
Your AQ Test Score is: 41 EQ: 17
Aspie score: 148 of 200 NT score: 51 of 200 // RAADS-R: 186
Last edited by SteelBlu on 06 Jun 2013, 11:37 am, edited 1 time in total.
Thelibrarian
Veteran
Joined: 5 Aug 2012
Age: 62
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,948
Location: Deep in the heart of Texas
I'm the same way. I have a hot temper, blow up, and then cool down, though unfortunately there are exceptions. But I think this is a good way to be. I've found anger hurts us, and not our abusers.
Having said this, we can refuse to volunteer for more abuse without staying angry at our abusers. For me, this is paramount.
Mindslave
Veteran
Joined: 14 Nov 2010
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,034
Location: Where the wild things wish they were
It's not that easy. You must learn how to live in the future to improve your socializing.
auntblabby
Veteran
Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 114,591
Location: the island of defective toy santas
Similar Topics | |
---|---|
Should I stay or should I go? |
31 Dec 2024, 1:16 pm |
Hi all, I joined today and hope to stay! |
08 Dec 2024, 6:56 pm |