Caring (too) much about being a "good" person

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I now realise a big part of my problem is I care quite a lot about being a "good" person. I'm reluctant to do things that might make me look like a "bad" person. I have a feeling this is due to Asperger-thinking.

For instance, I feel a need to justify what actions you should be allowed to do, and how you should be allowed to think. I also have a big need to feel there is justice in all things.

I think this is good to some degree, but it is too much in my case.


Do any of you recognise these needs/this thinking?

I've always been a very moral person and can get quite upset when people tell white lies etc rather than being truthful, I've always felt very reluctant as well at breaking any sort of rules even if I wouldn't get into trouble for doing it.

I often think about all the stupid, bad, ridiculous things I've done and what a nasty, disgusting, even evil person I must be because I intellectually knew better and don't usually do them or avoid them altogether. Or if I even daydream about doing them.

I'm not like that at all. If it's something you want to diminish some, try asking yourself what is the worst case scenario in a situation and visualize it and see that it's really not that bad. A stranger thinking you may not be a good person, while not a pleasant thought, is something that you'll probably never have any repercussions from, but someone in authority may be.

Also, things aren't always, or even mostly, fair. If you focus on that too much youll end up driving yourself crazy over it. Maybe shift your focus on doing the best you can do in a situation and hoping that others do the best they can do for you when they need to. Expecting fairness and justice (especially justice from the legal system) will do nothing but frustrate you. Focus on yourself and your actions and satisfying your own moral and ethical code while doing so.

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I can totally relate to this in the past. I believe it stems from black-and-white thinking (no pun intended with the "white lies" - that's a grey area). Many times, I got into the habit of telling someone, including my wife, why I'm doing this or that but giving too much detail - when the other person can reasonably pick up on what I'm doing without words. I guess this knee-jerk response also stems from having my behaviours labelled as eccentric and lacking common sense, so I feel compelled to explain why what I'm doing is rational and not detrimental to anyone.

This "bad person" black-and-white thinking also caused trouble during my 20s for chit-chatting with women - I used to think that if I come off as too nasty or cocky or whatever, I'll be rejected, but it's not like I'd be really mean if I did that - just playful - again, that's the grey area. And it got me better results too (but after plenty of practice!!)

I think I overdo the moral behavior sometimes myself. I think the reason I do it is to show that I'm a good person despite my obscenely obvious social shortcomings. I don't worry as much about what other people think anymore; hyper-morality for me is simply habit now.

My brother, with whom I was very close when I was younger, had a fantastic personality. He could charm his way out of just about anything; people liked him as much as they tended to dislike me. But at the same time, he had no moral scruples, and would take advantage of people. I was just the opposite. I had to be hyper-moral to be accepted at all, and still do. I think hyper-morality is something of a survival mechanism for aspies to enable us to get along in society.

Caring too much about projecting a certain image is always bad - though being seen as a "good person" is the one with the best outcomes for others.
Being a good person is better for your own mental health as having negative thoughts about yourself or other people will make you very miserable, very fast.

Wow, thank you for the answers. They confirm my suspicions. Especially about the black-and-white-thinking. I think I do this more than I've been aware of.


For instance I feel a need to justify that acting out of self-interest is what one in general should do, this way:

First I imagine me living without any other living humans or creatures on earth. In that case "nature" would only be trying to kill me. If I didn't eat, I would die. If I didn't drink, I would die. "Nature" shows no kind of mercy whatsoever. That's not fair. You cannot owe "someone" who's only out to kill you anything. So in that scenario I should act completely selfish and without regard to anything but myself.

Now add humans and animals. The "equation" now becomes hugely more complicated. Because those are in general not out to kill me. On the other hand, most of those wouldn't care that much if I died. We have to dive deeper to see how to act:

The relationship between humans carry two basic elements: competition and cooperation (with the end goal of survival). The competition aspect is fundamentally an expression of another living individual willing to sacrifice my life in order for them to survive instead. In that respect, I don't owe people anything, just as they don't owe me anything. I think most people would sacrifice another person whom they didn't know instead of themselves if they had no other choice. That's human nature - everybody want to survive.

On the other hand, there's also cooperation. That is much nicer. That's when humans help each other to survive together. In that case, people are not out to kill me, actually often the opposite. So in that case I owe them much more, just as they owe me much more.

The end result is: one should in general act out of self-interest, and cooperate with the people with whom it would be beneficial for both parties to cooperate (this appears in real life as families, girl-/boyfriends, friends, people buying things, people working to provide services to other people etc.). If you cooperate without benefitting from it, you are again compromising the importance of your own survival, so both parties should benefit, at least on "average".



I want to seek out cooperation with other people and avoid competition as much as possible (when applying for a job you cannot avoid competing with others who also apply for that same job. This is the ugly competition element between humans, but it's unavoidable in some cases). But I have a difficult time with people who actively seek out competition (for instance people who bully and mock others at school). I know it's a survival technique, just as the cooperation technique is, but I much prefer people who thrive on the cooperation element rather than the competition element. I know that's a personal preference.


The thing is, I don't "trust" intuition to be fair the way people "normally" do (they don't consider these things I'd guess). I only trust rational justification of conditions.

"The relationship between humans carry two basic elements: competition and cooperation (with the end goal of survival). The competition aspect is fundamentally an expression of another living individual willing to sacrifice my life in order for them to survive instead. In that respect, I don't owe people anything, just as they don't owe me anything. I think most people would sacrifice another person whom they didn't know instead of themselves if they had no"

Gawer, a few thoughts:

You are right that the basic dynamic in all human affairs is between competition, particularly competition for resources and mates, and the need for cooperation, which is the raison d'etre for morality. In other words, what morality does is to temper our competitive instincts so that we can cooperate and function together as a society.

But an individual willing to sacrifice themselves for others isn't competitive; it is what the evolutionary theorists call altruism.

if you like to read, there is a fascinating recent book on morality that I can highly recommend to anybody interested in the subject. It was written for the academic layman. It is titled: "The Righteous Mind" by Jonathan Haidt. Haidt is a psychologist who studies morality.

I care too much about being a good person too, but it doesn't seem to win me many friends. It just turns me into a mug who will put up with anything and will never say ''no''.

Also I'm always afraid of looking like I'm intimidating others. I seem to have a soft, kind expression on my face, and so people assume I am that way before they've even met me, so I think ''well I might as well be kind then.'' Also I'm a kind-natured person anyway.

But I find being assertive hard because I worry that others might think I'm being selfish or arrogant or awkward. It's like when my work rings me up on my days off asking if I could come in, I find it so hard to say no in case they think I am making excuses and not willing to be helpful to the team.