The Empathy Thing......

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Let's say, for the sake of the exercise, that SBC does decide to have a look over here. I propose that this thread be composed of what "Empathy" means for/to YOU. Then there will be a "one stop shop" for the neuromancers to come and browse in, it also might be of benefit to both newcomers on the spectrum and NTs looking to learn more...

I also think that if your opinion or outlook changes, it would be a good idea to come back to your post and update via edit, maybe explaining the changes. I'll have a go at starting, shall I? Don't feel constrained by format, this is just my attempt to make sense of it as I go along, lol. You don't even have to read past this line if you don't want to

Empathy for me means that I have an emotional reaction to someone else's visible feelings / emotions, a synchronisation or "tuning in", if you like, the ability to feel sympathy. Picking up on what someone's feeling and giving a sh*t.

Crowd Empathy.
I lack this. I go to football matches and music concerts but I don't connect with the crowd gestalt. I might have a good time but I'm doing it on my own, within the crowd. I've never "felt the love".

Societal Empathy
I believe that the emotions of society at large are so regularly manipulated by media / business / government that I am frankly better off without this. I gave the example on another thread of "meh" when hearing about a "terrorist" incident, for example. That crap's for readers of the tabloid press and has no value because it's an induced reaction, not a natural one. I'll only emote about a popular issue if it clashes with my sense of right & wrong.

Familial Empathy.
Meaning both immediate and extended family. My strongest familial bond is with my youngest brother, and then only because over the years we've grown to value our friendship, so it's more of a close friend bond. The rest of my family, I can mostly kind of take or leave, but I think that may be driven by the hypocrisy ( there's a fair bit of that involved in my family tree). I've developed some light weight friendship bonds with a few of my GF's extended family and care about them, but it's a kind of "empathy lite".

Social Empathy.
Workplace, for example. Linked to crowd and societal empathy. If don't like someone, I don't give a rolling donut how they feel and don't see why I should consider their feelings - I'm there to do a job, not make friends or be nice to people I'd avoid in my social life.

Intimate Empathy
Friends and Lovers...
Emotional upset that I can't "fix" causes me great distress, especially if it's affecting my immediate environment, for example my GF slamming round her kitchen in a fit of pique makes me as uncomfortable as hell, knowing she's upset and that I'm only able to wait for her to "come down" again. Also I can't be in the same house as a fight that's going on, it distresses me immensely. I'll feel outraged / hurt / angry on behalf of a friend.

Afterthoughts:
Looking back through this, I note that I only empathise with people I give a hoot about, whether personally or vicariously. How do we get empathy. Is it learned? Where do we learn it from? Is it other people and shared development / experiences?
As an oddity I was treated badly by almost everyone I came into contact with throughout my formative years, it would be fair to say I hated almost everyone in my world. This was (to my mind) a legitimate involuntary reaction to my mistreatment.
I think I have better ToM than the vast majority of NTs I've met, and spending years and years of having them deliberately cause me emotional pain either severed, or prevented from forming, that empathic bond. Essentially, "I don't care about them because they've treated me badly" which I don't think is unreasonable. Until someone stands out of that crowd for me, they're part of it.

I'm in the class that trusts too much the minute someone's nice to me, so it's quite easy to get under my defences and use my empathy to manipulate me, either with perceived pain, or guilt, thus empathy is something to be avoided on a subconscious level if possible, this was taught to me by my surroundings and NT peers.

My conclusion? Empathy is both learned and earned, unless I'm blind-sided by someone who is faking emotion to control me

Just look around. How many self centered people are around that only catch feelings for something that hits home? They lack empathy until it happens to them?

Theory of mind is the problem. The solution is to try to make that change by looking inward. Just do so knowing that you aren't bad or different. Alot of people have theory of mind for only their kind of people.

People that are individuals and aren't apart of group thinking often have a problem with theory of mind because they don't get many people they can relate to. This makes people like us less biased while those that are group thinkers tend to put on a front that they are so accepting and tolerant! Meanwhile they reveal otherwise.

Know that you are not a freak. They have more people to relate to because they are all about fitting in and have lost their individuality long ago. This thing called "normality" is forever changing depending on what fads present themselves. This whole "adaptability" crap has been shoved in everyone's faces to suggest it's a positive thing when really it's designed to make people jump when the new fads dictate so. Go...adapt to this new change! Emulate it's new look, smell and personality! You don't have to think, just do it!

Don't sweat it. People that are group thinkers are cruel to those who don't think like them. For every little thing they claim you aren't a good "fit" for them, you can turn around and show them examples of how they are hypocrites. Do they care that they can be hypocritical? No. It's like those children's games of tag or hide and seek where a child will just make up rules on the go just so they can have things their way always and then put on this show that they are really all about compromise and tolerant.

There is a beauty in individuality and knowing yourself. You'll never belong to the group. Don't bother. Let them be amongst themselves.