Social Reciprocation

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This is an important part of keeping a friendship alive. It is when you choose to socialise or interact with someone who has interacted with you in a manner that shows they seek friendship (or desires to interact in said manner).

Now I have AS, and I am not conscious or aware of me, feeling or thinking anything that compels or suggests this Reciprocation, after someone interacts with me in the manner described. I can choose to arrange a "social meeting" (my name for arranged social interaction that is not spontaneous), if I decide to. But I have lost friendships or failed to start friendships because I haven't consciously reciprocated.

Do others with AS have the same problem?

I have trouble even getting to that point. Most of the time I find myself shutting people down with canned responses when I don't know what to say..

I think it's harder to turn a conversation around.. especially once I get talking about something that interests me.. I don't realize until later that I talked too much and dominated the conversation. It's a real art to be able to turn a conversation around or keep re-focusing it on the other person.

Sometimes I'm afraid to ask them a question for fear of offending or it being taken the wrong way.. This is something I need to work on so much more -- the ability to keep turning the conversation around to the other person....

Like they say, everyone likes to talk about themselves.. When trying to meet knew people and friends, let them speak as much as possible. Ask them questions about what they enjoy and want to talk about... Sometimes it requires thinking quickly though -- that's where I end up having the conversation redirected at me... usually because I couldn't think of something to say fast enough in response to what they said.... Maybe if I practice this more, it will get easier? That's always been difficult for me -- to be able to respond quickly to something someone has said and to turn it quickly back to their side of the conversation again..

All the damn time.

I seem to go from one extreme to the other, try and want everything to happen to soon so people back off, its like at times I feel I have to try and tell them everything in the first 5 minutes and other times I just seem to clam up and not know what to say or do.

If ever invited somewhere, also worry about when should invite back - it doesn't seem to happen naturally, so often find it easier not to and then find myself with very few friends, mind you since being diagnosed most of the NT's have backed off anyway - now I kinow why others do not tell .

I do have this problem. Especially in conversations. I often times will not even start a conversation of any sort with anyone unless I have a specific question, or need them to know some info that I have. I don't walk up to anyone just to say "Hi, how's things?" The thought doesn't even occur to me to do that, so when someone deviates from the topic that I had approached them to talk about I can't reciprocate. I just freeze. I know from awkward pauses in the conversation that I was supposed to say, or do something, but I have no idea at the time as to what it is. It's only after trial, and error through repetition that I figure out the correct way to reciprocate to certain things.

For example, I've recently become aware that when talking to another woman that I know fairly well, when she mentions her new glasses, haircut ect... and pauses I'm supposed to compliment her, or at least make a comment about it. It's not that i didn't notice, or make a comment in my mind about it, it's just that I don't think about telling the other person. This seems to be very important part of building friendship between women.

It's interesting that the main reason that my 6 yo son didn't get a diagnosis of autistic disorder is because the doctor felt that he could emotionally reciprocate with others. It may not be typical, or age appropriate when he does it, but he can do it. If he has something that he finds really neat, he will at times show another person what he has/or built ect... He will also look around to see if other people are laughing when he thinks something is funny, sometimes.

Yes I do, but I have learned to have reciprocal friends. It was quite learning curve. I do slip up, every now and then but I try to correct myself without having to be told. Part of is having friends that are understanding not excessively needy.

Tips:

1. Use the name of person you are talking to in conversation every now and then no matter how redundant it might seem.

2. Try and take the initiative ever now and then so they are not carrying you the whole time. This also means instigating the reason to meet up or organizing things. It is something I force myself to do when I remember.

3. I'm not so good at know when to speak but if you at least listen to what they are saying for a while before you interrupt it isn't a big a deal.

I have a rule I have to see my friends in month because in the past if I didn't see people for a while I usually never saw them again or though to contact them.

sorry see post below! (not trying to double up)

I have a real problem when meeting new people in the fact that once introduced forget there name, and usually lose half the conversion trying to remember.

Next if conversation does not interest me, often just switch off, not intensionally of course

Find it so hard meeting new people, because I do not want to go on about my self and worry about when I should enter conversation, often just blurt things out of content, great conversation killer - well unless you understand aspies that is...

I've just started noticing the social niceties about how if someone asks you about your day, you should respond likewise and ask them about theirs. I figure that the people who know me well know that my timing's a bit off, since it takes a little bit to process that oh, maybe I should ask THEM how their day went as well . . .

Yes. I am a huge failure when it comes to maintaining friendships.

Even though there are a lot of people out there that think I am crazy/weird, there are a lot of really great people that I got along really well with, but didn't know how to maintain friendship or become better friends with.