I'm NT, bf is AS. Question re: stress and shutting down

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Hi, this is my first time here. I'm hoping to gain some insight into the mind of my 30 yr old AS bf. He has shut down and cut all communication with me. His last words were loving... no dispute or changes happening between us. I suspect that he's overwhelmed with a recent move, money/job issues, computer crashing, and an impending visit by his father (whom he hasn't seen in 15 years). I would expect anyone to be spiralling out of control with all of those stressors hitting at once, but it's been 3 weeks and I've not heard from him (I do know that he's physically okay, though). My question is this: Since he's not returning phone calls or texts (we don't live in the same state), is it reasonable for me to believe that he has temporarily put me on hold while he works through the stress and finds solutions... or am I deluding myself and he has replaced me with a new special interest? Is a shut down of this duration within the realm of normal? I've been sending periodic "I have faith in you" kinds of texts... wanting to give him space, but let him know that I'm there for him when he's ready. Should I stop? I'm really struggling with this... we've been together 18 months and I just don't know how to help either one of us...

Thoughtful comments would be greatly appreciated.

As much as I wish I had an answer for you... None of us can answer that... we all have different issues and can only view the world through the warped lens of our own experience and perceptions... As such, what would be true for me, would not be true for another.

Honestly, you need to tell him something along the lines of "I know this is NT stuff, but I need to know... do I wait for you, or are we over? I need clarification."

Hi! I would say, give him time and just let him know you are still there - which you have been doing! All those changes boy - you are talking a lot of stress and anxiety - as you have been in a relationshio for eighteen months it is obviously important to you both, don't give up on him.

The father thing in itself sounds heavy, I would say hang on in there. Good luck!

Sorry to have to point this out, but you're not deluding yourself when it comes to having a relationship with an Aspie. You're deluding yourself when it comes to a long-distance relationship with any human being.

This lack of communication is a typical death knell of a long-distance relationship. No matter how each party wants to trust, the lack of basic physical proximity is irreplaceable and in most cases fatal to relationship.

Men in meltdowns don't usually go out dating a lot.
A woman is the last thing on their minds.
I seriously doubt you're replaced.
But he's probably merely pretty embarrassed and doesn't know how to relate to you satisfactorily yet, though knows he can do well sooner or later, and would rather not screw it up right now.

Thank you, BelleAmi, for your kind words. I will hang in there and hopefull will have a positive outcome to share here soon

Thank you, 1401b, this sounds a bit like him. He has pulled away twice before (but for only 2 days at a time) and was very shy and embarrassed about it afterwards. We would always talk things out... he's very good at wanting to do that, but only when he's ready... which I can respect.

With his computer down, I know this is a huge issue for him... as we Skyped for hours on end almost daily. This was our established mode and with the crash (that happened while we were Skypeing) that took away that routine... and then add in the other issues. So, I can get it on some level... but because I can be a needy NT female I can't help but worry if he made the decision to just to give up and stop "us" because it's painful for him to think about me and not have the ability to continue our routine. Oh boy, sorry... I'm talking/typing too much here. I'm putting every ounce of myself into this and it's just a roller coaster of emotions for me without hearing from him.

Okay, so you said you've been there, done that... in your situation, would have found it helpful for the other person to completely back off or periodically text with friendly words?

I never knew how to end a relationship so I would just completely cut off/ignore the person till they went away. Might be what he's doing.

Oh boy, you just hit the nail on my biggest fear. I know he hasn't had any trouble ending relationships before... where he found fault. With me, maybe he didn't find fault (his last text to me was "love you... getting a friend to help with computer, should be on later tonight")... but maybe he feels he needs to end it for some reason and without fault he didn't know how... Oh, wow... I hadn't considered that.

As an NT I would say give him a breather. If he is overwhelmed he's trying to tell you by not replying, probably, that he needs that. He needs time to think and recoup his energy and refocus on things which are crucial right now. He's put you on the back burner for those reasons, best case scenario.

Worst case scenario, he is pushing you away hoping to passively break up with you. Either way, giving him a breather and stopping contacting him could not make things any worse. And it could potentially make things better, if he gets a chance to catch his breath and make it through his crises.

(And by the way NT guys do that too!)

LDRs are hard - try to think positive and do fun things and treat yourself during the break.

(PS this is all just my opinion based on a forum post. You should do what you think is best.)

I really want to thank everyone who has replied to me, you've all offered thoughtful opinions, ideas, and suggestions. I felt like I had nowhere to turn, as people around me never understood our relationship in the first place.

I dont' work in the summer months... so I've had way too much free time to analyze this, and have done so to death. I will take you up on your suggestion, Popsicle, and find some fun diversions to take my mind off all of this. It will be healthier for all concerned, I'm sure.

You are very welcome, articulate2me! I wish you all the best!

I think as long as you've been not sending them too frequently, and they've been actually only periodic, what you've been doing is the correct response.

Personally, I'd not be doing it only "periodic" and they'd be way too frequently, but that's because the sudden cut-off would be pushing me towards meltdown, and the constant texting would be fighting against it.

Trust me, I know that feeling too Tuttle. I can't tell you how many times I've picked up the phone and put it back down. I've even gone so far as to delete him from my phone 3 times... only to put him back! I need to chill... I need distractions!