How to deal with anger / communication problems

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I’m still feeling out of control so this may not make sense but I’m sick of finding myself in this position. I have aspergers btw.

It’s not happened for months but twice in two days I’ve found myself in arguments with my wife which leave me saying horrible things and just hating her. It’s like a demon takes over and I’m just full of hate, and I’ll twist moments from our past and use them to support my argument. Things which were fine at the time suddenly become weapons to reinforce my position.

I don’t see her point of view. I stop caring if I’m loud or intimidating. I just feel ignored, like my opinion is worthless, and it sends me into this rage inside. In this mood I’ve kicked furniture and punched a hole in a door just to expel whatever is inside me. Usually it doesn’t go away for hours. I’ll go drive with music at full, I’ll lay in bed with earphones blasting music, I’ll run on the treadmill as fast as I can until my muscles are burning.

The arguments usually start (at least from my perspective) with us talking and I sense she wants to do something I find uncomfortable. I try to reason my point of view, but then she offers the alternative. I feel this blackness creep across my mind and my speech becomes sharper, my responses quicker. I sense it happening but another part of me insidiously justifies what I’m saying – “I have a good point to make”, “she just wants her own way”, “this time will be different”, “she’s not listening”, “she’s being inappropriate”.

The fight will just be starting and part of me knows I’m sinking, but the other part fights to the surface, determined that I shouldn’t be ignored or overruled and suddenly it’s like I’m a trial lawyer stringing together examples from our past, examples of her hypocrisy, reasons why my point is valid. I’m not shouting, I’m not stamping around, but I am single-minded and utterly cold. Growing up I reduced family and friends to nothing because deep down I didn’t care about them. I would get exhausted from living in their environment and just unleash on them.

But this is my wife. I do care about her and all I can feel is she is attacking me. And even though hours later I’ll realize she was just talking, in the moment I feel betrayed by someone I care about. And that feeling of being under attack just fuels me. I feel entitled to demand my own way – I think “I know better, I’ve thought it through from every angle, I’m smarter, why do I have to explain this BS, this is such a waste of my time, I’m sick of decisions by committee”

The weird thing is that in the middle of all this, all I want is to hear her normal voice talking to me and I know it would all dissolve. Selfish to ask for that, but strange to think that all this anger that seems so real can be washed away like a sandcastle.

And then hours later when it passes I feel lost. I don’t know why I said what I did. I can’t recall the depth of feelings which motivated me to say or do those things. I have to apologize and deal with her hurt feelings, and yet I don’t feel like the same person who inflicted them which makes it 100 times worse. Or easier. I don’t know.

I’m just sick of harboring a monster in my head which comes out whenever I feel ignored or slowed down or something ridiculous like the sun casts the wrong kind of shadows.

My wife thinks I just destroy relationships with people because that’s easier for me than working through problems. That my loner confidence is actually insecurity, a fix-all solution to my inability to build boundaries. It seems true. I used to think telling everyone to go to hell was a sign of confidence. I could and did do everything alone. Since being about 13 that’s the attitude I’ve adopted, and I’m forever thankful because it helped me survive. But now that attitude – the complete absence of empathy - seems incompatible with being a husband.

Anyone else been through this?

My friend that is part of having a meltdown. You get the 'horns', they flare up, and you say things you wouldn't have said otherwise. It might not be like a shutdown but there is a trigger.

One thing that can help is SSRIs, or things similar to such like St. John's Wort and SAMe. Now I am not a doctor, but it does have a lot to do with serotonin levels in my opinion.

You say you're exhausted, ignored, slowed down. Those are all signs of sensory and executive function overload. When the switch overloads, you have a meltdown. Some people stop speaking, some people crawl under desks, some people bang their heads, some people scream. What you do is have a reaction that is similar to NT anger and arguing.

SSRIs have helped me a lot with this, as can just talking about it and just taking a day off instead of letting the #nodaysoff thing get to you. I wish you the best of luck.

Hmm.. i don't really know what it feels like to you, but i'll try to give you a few advice's that might come in handy:

- When talking to someone, either your wife or someone else, and the conversations spins of to something that builds up to make you mad, try telling them, that you need to go somewhere else for a second to just think a few things through - then come back when you've calmed down. Or like you mentioned, if you feel like your wife is pressuring you to do something you don't want to - close your eyes for a few seconds, focus on staying calm, open them and tell her that you don't feel like that at the moment, but if she gives you some time to think about it you might be open to it.

- Something else that might help is that you and your wife/friends/family, agree on some sort of code word for you to say like for example "your doing it", which is supposed to be a reminder to them that they are getting on your nerves, and should either change topic, or ask you why that topic/situation is hard for you - which then gives you the opportunity to get to your senses and to talk about your feelings in a calm manner.

There is good advice above but you need to make the arrangements for a time out when you are both calm. Trying to just break off when the discussion is already heated has less chance of working.

if at all possible,try and get an appointment with a CBT specialist;more so one who has worked with a lot of adults on the spectrum before,they will be able to help make more aware of the triggers,how to avoid them and things to say instead.
dont bother with medication and st johns wort type stuff in own view,theres more risk from taking the med than there is result gained from them when basing it on this situation,its purely a mask;medication is unable to help issues that need a change of thought process, it masks issues but it doesnt stop them from happening.
CBT in this case teaches a person where theyre going wrong and teaches them how to change it so they get back on the right track again.

try using mood gym;
https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome
its widely recognised all over the world,and is recomended by the likes of mental health charities like MIND.
its a site that lets people teach themselves CBT; for free.
register on the site to get access and start the work.

There are many good suggestions, and the key is finding what works for you to at least curb the unwanted behavior. It sounds very much like a meltdown, but it's a symptom that can seriously mar a relationship. Overly simplistic example...if your relationship is a bank account, then consider vindictive(seeming) behavior as a huge lump withdrawal. Watch your stress levels and do something special for your wife.