Telling if someone is "fake"

Post Reply New Topic

I have a paradoxical problem: I am extraordinarily wary around new people, but if they show me even the slightest nicety (even a warm smile or a compliment) I automatically ratchet their level of trust up and will tell them whatever they want. This gets me into trouble sometimes (mostly at work) because some people can be "fake" and I end up over sharing information (*note: this does not extend to confidential information as this is a clear no-no in my line). I have a hard time telling the difference between when someone is a genuinely nice person and when they're just pretending to be kind and supportive out of either professionalism or (on some occasions, paranoid as this may sound) to get you to lower your defenses and tell them things you shouldn't.
Does anyone else have this problem?
Does anyone have any tips as to how to figure out the genuinely kind people and the ones who are faking it?

Egads, yes. I have this problem all the time. I would like to figure out what to do about it too.

Yeah, I have this problem as I don't have that solid personal boundaries in the first place - even though I am superparanoid
I have developed a bit of a radar for manipulative people over time, but that doesn't stop me from interacting with them
We're not that unusual though, compliments are often used to manipulate precisely because that is the natural way people react to them.

Oh, I'll still interact with people if I have to, but I have a hard time doing so judiciously... What puts people like this on your radar?

the fact that somebody is being nice to me [with one notable exception ] when that is totally anomalous in my life, is or should be a big red flag.

It is not that easy as I first had to figure out the purposes behind social games and what disorders features manipulative behavior so I don't have analyze just what they say, but their whole behavior. It helped a lot learning how manipulation works.
But for me it is not so much about the flattery, but about my own personal boundaries and not expecting social games.

There are nice people too, and it is just bad luck if you've mostly met bad ones. It is the existence of nice people that allows manipulation work.

you are right, it WAS bad luck in addition to me being totally clueless/naïve about people and their ulterior motives. my late mother was amazed and disgusted with my chronically bad luck [being constantly victimized by people and fate].

Yep, if someone is trying real noticibly to make a good impression, I'm automatically stepping back and seeing what they're up to.

I'm so sorry I hope she was disgusted with the right people. You're not alone, neurodiverse are more often abused than NTs.

As are the elderly.

It's obviously a prey mentality at play here.

Says someone on a site where a really large percent have social anxiety disorder and try their hardest to do a good impression - social skills classes for autistics are all about learning how to make a good impression. That's not really conclusive of anything. Don't try to start sh!t with me by leaving in my nick.

thank you being a hermit helps somewhat. prey animals are best remaining wary and careful.

I've had lots of trouble with this too, it's really hard to know who I can really trust, and who's being two-faced or worse. It makes me especially hesitant to date again, as my judgement in the past has been disastrous.

I wish I had advice for you, but I struggle with this as well. All I can recommend is trying to talk to other people you know in common to get a feel for whether the person is a gossip. Of course, there are people who are truly nice and who gossip, but I think most gossips shouldn't be trusted with personal information either way.

In my mind anyone who exaggerates and uses very exaggerated body language or expresses emotion strong enough for me to notice feels fake. This means I cannot stand or take serious dramatic personalities because everything about them feels fake and creepy. I also have s problem with sales people for the same reason.

It's like subtle and normal level body language doesn't really register with me on an emotional level, only more exaggerated body language does, and then it scares or confuses me.