People in my life still don't understand.

Post Reply New Topic

It's been about a year and a half since I've been diagnosed with asperger's, bipolar, anxiety, OCD, and ADHD (I hate how many disorders I have). I've explained to my family and fiancee about these disorders and how they affect me, how it explains why I do certain things, etc. But they act like I'm normal and aren't very supportive. My fiancee still gets mad at me when I can't get my inflection right (when I say something seriously, it sounds sarcastic and vice versa), when I go into a depressive state my mom thinks I'm just having a bad day, my dad expects me to just "deal with it". I have bad intrusive thoughts that prevent me from being around people or driving, so my only means of employment is with my father, who is going to be firing me soon so he can save a couple of bucks. I was never good with customers and they'd always comment that I didn't talk or make eye contact, so I ran his office from home. I'm seriously considering trying to go on disability, but I can't bring myself to do it because, even though I'm not really functioning, I've lived my whole life thinking I was just a little different, but still NT. I still haven't been able to see myself as disabled, maybe because nobody else does either.

The only person who understands me and seems to have actually looked into what it means to be aspie is my best friend who is also fed up with my family. She's so supportive of me and is always trying to encourage me.

I recently started getting really into my music again, but all of these problems popping up is keeping me depressed and hopeless. I sometimes think I could do something useful with my life if I kept on with my music, but other stuff keeps dragging me down.

Sorry to hear that you are dealing with many people in your life who are not very supportive of your unique profile. Have you thought of providing them with information on the various disorders you have? It's one thing to tell people about it yourself, but it's another when they hear it from others who have studied these things extensively. It's important for you to continue self-advocating and letting others know that some things are truly hard for you, and that you are not making excuses.

are you a singer or an instrumentalist?

This means these people do not want to invest additional (emotional, intellectual) resources in you. So start working the next plan, now. Separating family from employment is where to start.

You're doing better than most. Build on that.

Some people outside the spectrum keep thinking everyone is like them.

They think you can deal with everything the same way they do. So if they don't think there should be a problem, there is no problem in their eyes.

And they talk about empathy! They don't know sh*t, ignorant f**kers.

That's the thing. My doctor has explained it in great detail. They just never bothered to read the materials he gave us on them. They just think if I 'work on it', I'll be fine.



Instrumentalist.

That is rather unfortunate; I had a somewhat similar experience with my therapist giving my father a book on Asperger's Syndrome, but I have always played it down to my father not being much of a reader in general and my parents being suspicious as he only "suggested" that I may have an ASD and did not diagnose me with one (which, as I am in that ambiguous grey zone, was a valid move on his part).

Many people without psychological conditions do not particularly believe in the field of psychology; all they know is that they can get over having a "bad mood" or feeling unconfident about a social situation, so they feel that you should be able to do the same. They may also feel that since you are so "smart," so "high-functioning," so...whatever it is that they assume you to be, that you should be able to use your skills to overcome your difficulties. They cannot understand that depression is more physical, more overwhelming, than what they know as "sadness"; they have never had a thought repeat as often and as intensely as your thoughts do and do not know what this feels like. As the previous posters have mentioned, the theory of mind of most people is not particularly great, either.

It may also be that they struggle just as much with seeing you as "disabled" as you do; they may be hesitant to believe that this person that they love and thought they knew has a disability that they did not catch, that conflicts with their internal image of the person, and that they have not been able to resolve with whatever they believe disabilities can be resolved with, so they may refuse to see you as disabled to protect their own insecurities and their own mental image. Supposed "NTs" are also not very fond of changing their perception of a person or a situation.

I do hope that your situation improves for you; I hope that your parents and your finance may have their eyes opened (Would they respond to documentaries? Some people react more to a screen than to text), that your friend continues to support you, and that you are able to achieve your aspirations.

Some people just have a sort of "get over it" attitude to impairments caused by mental illness (or developmental disorders, learning disability ect.) My sister is like this even though I was diagnosed as a child and had obvious problems since I was a child (which obviously she saw because she's my sister and she grew up with me). I have so far not figured out how to reason with such people. It is a lack of empathy for particular things as an above poster said. For them it's so easy and natural to modulate inflection so they just can;t imagine you having trouble with it. The maddening thing is the same people can be very compassionate towards certain people or certain things but they just have a block when it comes to mental illness (and other DSM territory).

Do you happen to know of any documentaries on Asperger's? I think one of the things that make it hard is that I was diagnosed late in life. Another is that I'm only mildly aspie. Enough that it gives me a lot of trouble in certain areas, but I'm so high functioning that I seem like a weirdo rather than someone with a disability.

If the people in your life go for "cutesy," there is one filmed by a thirteen-year-old British girl with other young speakers; while it is obviously not scholarly, it does have some useful information:

BBC My Autism And Me

Also on the cutesy end is this children's television show episode on it: When Carl Met George. This one vividly illustrates the "Wrong Planet" metaphor.

There's also this PBS documentary.

Alex, the founder of this website, also made a documentary: link.

I can definitely relate to having other regard me more as "a weirdo" than somebody with a neurological difference.

It must be really hard living with all those conditions. I struggle with just autism and anxiety. If I had full blown ADHD and bipolar disorder and OCD as well, then I think I'd really be in trouble. Well done, because you're obviously doing well if you've even managed to convince your dad to employ you. It's also great that you have one very supportive friend.

I feel a bit uneasy giving this advice, but maybe you need to be a bit shorter with your mother and fiancee. If your mother says "you're just having a bad day", say "I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder by a professional, I have a very real problem that causes me to have very bad days". If your fiancee complains about your inflection, say "I am sorry, but you know I have Asperger's, I am going to make mistakes with my inflection and body language. I hope you can understand." The important thing is to make sure you are polite about it though...

,it isnt a empathy issue that this particular group has,am clinicaly lacking entirely in empathy due to the effects of severe classic autism yet am able to understand just because am experiencing autism a particular way,it doesnt affect another person the same way,am able to treat people with respect and not assume they dont have the difficulties they say they do unless they are a known liar/attention seeker.

the sort of issue they have is a closed mind,am not sure what the pyschological word for it is as it is what had originaly been taught to associate with this trait,basicaly they cant see out of their own little experience of life unlike those of us who have so called open minds.
many of us with disabilities have gone through a difficult journey in life-often directly due to other people,this enables us to have a wider experience of life and understand how other people can be affected to.
if people have a regular quiet run of the mill life they dont get to see what conditions are outside of the media,and they dont get to understand how complex these conditions are either.

another issue with parents of adults is they can refuse to accept their adult child coud ever have anything 'wrong' with them as it woud mean *shock horror* them having to accept something they created isnt part of the perfect rose tinted glasses view they always believed,they woud also have to accept they missed it for so long which makes parents feel a lot of bad on themselves as well as for their child.
also,recent history taught them it was the parents fault,with doctors forcing absolute shame and guilt on the parents,plus ridiculous theories like the refridgerator mother theory of autism, society was just as scornful of them to and many of us who were diagnosed early were hid away from society and our distant family as a result.
oldskool preachers of religeon also have a part to answer for as religeons such as islam for example;which had taught parents to believe their adult childs lifelong disability had been due to them comitting some sin and the child was a punishment from allah, or in christianity; parents were taught the disability was a sign of posession by the devil, mine were hardcore christians and believed that.

to the OP,
being classified as disabled; and accepting it is not accepting weakness or defeat,disability is just a label and we dont have to define ourselves around it-disability is a sign post which once given the label, people say 'right,where to now?' some people choose to take advantage of everything that allows them to get around the 'barriers' of their disability whilst others come to a stop at that signpost and infact disable themselves more than their own condition by becoming pesamistic, self loathing,self pitying, negative etc,it totaly errodes their whole view of life,themselves and everything around them-this is close to being an exclusive reaction of people who grew up living a stereotypical normie life who then became disabled with a lifelong condition or a recent disability.

it sounds like have got a very low mood and poor image of self-is the bipolar being medicated sucesfuly?
,woud strongly recommend learning to like self and develop a more positive attitude;and that doesnt mean in a narcisistic way-we all have to like what we have got to work with otherwise no one else will either.
-see a ASD specialised pysch for CBT help with all the conditions have got,they can help with developing coping skills without touching one medication but it sounds like are in need of something to stabilize mood,am not a doctor though obviously.

here is one task can do,write down a list of every thing that are good at-or that is a positive thing.
from reading the original post,these are ones am seeing-


with the working issue,what about getting a place in a nearby area that has a lot more jobs, perhaps rent a place with a fellow spectrumer or person with MH issues, or if have got assessed need for support then a supported living flat,and make use of voc rehab or a ASD charity that may have a service on offer helping people on the spectrum get jobs?

I've been on several different medications for it, but nothing has helped. My doctor actually wants me to go through ECT, which I'm not a fan of.