How to help grieving family several states away?

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My aunt recently died of breast cancer. She was only in her fifties. My sister and I planned to visit her in the hospital, but we were too late and she died before we could get there. The funeral was today. I couldn't figure out how to travel so far within such a short time.

Now I'm a few states away from the closest family members. Usually I like that just fine; my mom and I really have our differences and we just argue when we get too close.

But I'm very conscious of how sad they must be right now. My grandparents have lost a daughter; my mother has lost her sister; my sister has lost a favorite aunt who once let her stay with her when she ran away from home as a teenager.

Is there anything a person with limited means can do to help people who are grieving and several states away? I know my mom will be scared because it brings back her own fears of getting cancer, because our whole family gets breast cancer, pretty much, and my aunt was the youngest of them. I'm going to send my cousins and grandparents a card, because that's the accepted protocol, but that feels just so inadequate.

Whenever something goes wrong I want to fix it. I can't bring my aunt back. But is there any way I can help my family?

When I lost my mom 11 months ago my family seemed to find release when they talked.
It would probably be comforting to send them a short letter letting them know that you understand that they are hurting and sad.
Letting them have the opportunity to call you up (or you call them) and talk while you listen might also help them.
Keep in mind the 5 stages of grief. They may express their feelings that are in no way in line with reality but that is ok and part of the grieving process.
Do not be afraid to also grieve if you need to.

So sorry for you loss, Callista, and for your family's grief. Already you've shown your thoughtfulness and that probably matters more to your family than you know. I might have an idea: maybe you could send them something you've made in your aunt's honour? Examples could be a special playlist CD of her favourite music to share, a photo montage, written poem or a special anecdote about your time with her, a gift basket of homemade treats or even delivered flowers. If appropriate, you might donate time (or funds) to your local Cancer Charity in her honour. Just writing them notecards and keeping in touch via email or telephone is the way to tell them you care. Like nebrets posted, you'll need time to adjust too. Take care Callista and all the best to your family now.

Honestly, I think this wanting to help other people is kind of my own reaction to it. I have always tried to deal with distress by fixing the problem, or at least by going off and doing something that's useful and worthwhile. I'm pretty sure that volunteer work helped me survive several episodes of depression. So... yeah, in my own way, I guess I'm grieving too. I don't cry... I just get a feeling like, This is wrong, this needs to be fixed. The death of a human being is among the the worst, wrongest things I can think of.

^ I am like both of you in this way. Coping with a close family member's death is really hard (I know) and I do think I might grieve differently (than neurotypicals). I keep quiet/private and I would prefer a tangible means rather than being emotively expressive.

Callista, I'm so sorry for your loss. I guess there's no one way, or any easy way, to get past that loss. But you will persevere over time. So I am sending you a fragrant bouquet of a dozen virtual wildflowers <imagine in your favourite colour>

A simple letter of sympathy is all that's required.

And remember, sometimes the best thing you can do to comfort someone is to say nothing. All the platitudes in the world (regardless of how true they may be) mean little to nothing when someone is grieving.

^ This.

A personal message in a card or letter, plus listening to them when & if they want to talk about your aunt and their grief.

Maybe you could send them flowers and poems? If you write a poem yourself telling them you are with them in thoughts that might help them a bit.