Moving beyond the past

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At 28 years old I have trouble moving past the bullying I suffered in highschool. My case was pretty bad but not among the worst described in the recent bullying thread. But whenever I read or see anything reminding me of those days I get extremely aggressive thoughts, wishing in hindsight that I could have done horrific things to my tormentors. The people involved may or may not have changed, but regardless, I can't seem to be able to forgive them.

I get obsessive about those thoughts, especially when I'm lonely, and it's ruining my morale. In other areas it's still affecting my self-esteem and my ability to connect and trust other people because of fear of rejection. I suspect this compounds the problem and contributes to my apathy.

I haven't had any social awkwardness problems to speak of since uni (according to other people anyway), other than shyness and nervousness when I started my first job, but even that is getting better. Although I still have some social problems that contribute to my isolation (conversations, deeper relations), they are not noticeable by most people. I got along fine with my co-workers at my old job.

I haven't experienced any substantial rejection or bullying in a long time, yet I'm still dwelling on this and it's holding me back. My fear of making mistakes due to my AS diagnosis has contributed significantly to the problem, even though few people ever notice anything 'off' about my behaviour (although some do occasionally).

I know I need to move on, but I don't know how, and I feel I'm progressing in some ways but going in circles in others

It sounds like these things trigger strong emotions in you. Have you looked into the possibility that you might have PTSD from the bullying?

Get into therapy and get some professional help.

I've thought about it, but I didn't think any of the symptoms were severe enough (ie. I haven't had sleep disorders or physical symptoms over this)

But looking at this list I find some commonalities

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/post_tr ... atment.htm

You can effectively be subclinical with it like I am. I have trauma issues that need attention, although technically I should not be diagnosed with it.

High five fellow Bachelor!