hello-confused

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Hello, I'm not really sure where to start, but I believe I may have sort of personality disorder or I'm on the autism spectrum.

Since I was a child I was always known as the quite one. Shy, would rarely approach other children to play. At home I would have tantrums quite a lot though up to the age of 10. I remember just feeling frustrated, and would scream the house down, my parents would just stick me in a room by myself and tell me to only come back once I'd stop being so childish.

I always found it difficult to make friends, I think back then it was fear of rejection, I would get anxious and go red and my mind would go blank, I never knew what to say to people. I really liked being on my own, teachers were concerned sometimes that I was rarely playing with other children.

It was when I went to high school that things got worse. I found myself getting very anxious in groups of people, I found socialising hard work and boring. I remember being out with friends, feeling bored and wanting to go home, thinking "why do people bother making friends, I thought it was meant to be fun"

I am 25 years old now and out of my awkward teen years, and I have to say, socialising and making friends is becoming harder and harder. I realised that it wasn't just teenage angst that I was feeling, and now it's actually worse.

I went through some really bad times in my early 20s and was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, generalised anxiety disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder.

I have gone though a lot of temporarily friendships. I seem to offend a lot of people, I apparently say inappropriate things sometimes and often get told, even by complete strangers that I look miserable or angry. When I try to look Happy/ normal it comes across as looking a bit manic, which is equally as bad -_-

I really do crave friendships, but I never feel connected to anyone. When I'm out with people I feel bored and empty and usually come home feeling really isolated. Tbh I find the only time I enjoy someone's company is if there is a possibility of sexual relations with that person ( I know that sounds bad, but honestly that's how I feel), so I do enjoy spending time with a guy I have a crush on, I actually can become pretty clingly.

I have had a few failed romantic relationships, the most recent one was with a guy who was actually diagnosed with AS shortly before we broke up. I find physical and emotional closeness to be difficult, again I desire this very much, but can't get comfortable. I spend a lot of my time fantasing about love and sex, but the reality for me is I feel uncomfortable.

I'm getting increasingly anxious and uncomfortable in social situations. I spend a lot of my time indoors in my flat, I feel comfortable there. Going outside I feel as though I am being stared, I like wearing sun glasses outside, it makes me less anxious, I think it's because eye contact is really difficult for me.

For a while I haven't wanted to go out at all. If anyone asks me if I want to go out, I'll make excuses. I think I might be going into a depressive episode, but the fact I can not connect to others either, is causes me to feel so isolated, and pretty scared, I feel like I'm locked in my head and there's nothing to help me.

People have said I look miserable, angry or dazed/bored. Some people have called me rude and inconsiderate, and it genuinely hurts me because I don't know what is it that I'm doing wrong, I always seem to upset someone, that is also why I generally prefer to make friends with guys because they usually are not as emotionally sensitive. Although I would really like a good female friend.

I'm just confused with life, socialising is so difficult and draining. I am on ESA right now, but I'm looking for part time work, but that is a huge problem for me too. I am terrible at interviews as you can imagine.

Hi, does anyone have any thoughts on this?

Hi belladonna,

it sounds like AS could be a possibility. There a lot of things that can be mistaken for AS though. Do you have sensory issues? Special interests? That would make it much more likely.

I suggest you read around on the forums, and any books you can get hold of from your local library. Then, if you relate to a lot of the symptoms and stories, it may be worth pursuing a diagnosis.

Noone is able to diagnose anyone over a forum, so the best thing you can do is lots of research, and then go from there.

Good luck.

Hey, thank you moomingirl I appreciate your reply. I do have problems with certain nosies and volumes sometimes it brings me to tears, and I just need to get away from the situation. If I'm watching TV and it's just a little too loud for me I get very irritable. My main interest is, and this might sound silly and trivial to most, but I love to collect perfumes. I love scents and always have. I spend along of time reading about perfumes, trying to collect rare ones and belong to a perfume fan forum. They mean a lot to me, I would be very upset if they went missing or something, this sounds really lame but I kinda see them as my children, not that I think they are alive lol just that they mean a lot to me.

I did an AS test online and the result indicated a high change of autism. Although I have also read into borderline personality disorder and that rings a bell too.

I have read quite alot about aspergers, I actually read alot into those kind of things, I wanted to understand my diagnoses better so I read a lot into ocd , depression and anxiety.

Coming here and reading real life experiences of people, especially when people talk about complaining about a look they have, or upsetting people unknowingly, it really ran a bell. I have been around shy people before, and the difference is they seem to know how to befriend and communicate, but they are just scared of rejection, so in time with these people they will open up and become comfortable, chatty etc. With me time and getting to know a person doesn't make me more comfortable, I sometimes actually withdraw from a person the longer I have known them, because it becomes frustrating the lack of connection I feel, and feel like I am just going through the motions.

I have a supportive gp I'm going to talk to her about the possibility of a diagnoses.

Hi again belladonna,

It certainly sounds like AS may be a possibility. Don't worry about your special interest sounding silly or trivial. If you hang around here long enough you will hear all sorts of strange interests.

I am pleased you have a supportive GP. Please be aware though, that if you have done a lot of reading about AS by now, that you will probably know more about it than she does.
I suggest you take along your test scores, lists of as many Aspergers traits that you are showing that you can think of, and if you can find it, any information relating particularly to Aspergers in women (Rudy Simone's books are good).

So many GP's only know the classic symptoms based on the original studies on AS which studied just a few male subjects. Unless it is an area your GP is particularly interested in, it is unlikely she has studied anything except those basic criteria.

Women can present differently, and are much better (in some cases) at compensating, so a diagnosis can easily be missed, or mistaken for something else. Many of us here have had this problem. So I suggest you go in with all the information in front of you, to give you the best chance of an accurate assessment.

Tell us how you get on!

Moomingirl