Musicgirl wrote:
The reason it bugs me is probably because many people see it as a label and as a teenager I am still at the point where I care what others think about me. However, on this website I do feel more secure and less self conscious. Is it silly for me to be so self conscious at school?
If I had been labeled Autistic as a teen, I suppose maybe it would have bothered me, I can't say for sure - in those days no one had ever heard of Autism, so nobody would have had any idea what I was talking about.
In my case, I had spent so many years being yelled at and oppressed and verbally and emotionally beaten down for being odd and different, it was a huge relief to suddenly have that label and realize that the things I'd been persecuted for for decades were not personality flaws in ME, as an individual, but an alternate neurological wiring schematic that many others had, too. I was actually thrilled to finally have an answer to the question that parents, teachers and employers had screamed at me all my life: "
What the F__K is WRONG with you!?" Now I knew - and there was something cathartic about that.
As for feeling self-conscious, I can't recall many times when I haven't felt that way, except when I was alone, doing something I knew I was good at. I did experience a period immediately after being officially diagnosed, during which every time I had to go out in public, I felt hyper-aware of everything I did, like every little movement I made must be announcing to the world that I was Autistic. After a while it began to sink in that while that was probably true, it had always been that way, which was why I had always felt alienated from and been variously marginalized by my peers. So, if I did look odd to the world, I had ALWAYS looked odd, so no point in getting freaked out about it now.
Point being, I learned very early in life that I was not like everybody else, that to most of the people around me whatever it was that I am was
never going to be entirely acceptable, but there was nothing I could do to change it. I was who I was, whether anybody else liked it or not. Then I began to realize how ridiculous and pointless and illogical were the behaviors and beliefs of the very people who considered themselves "normal" and I decided that I was actually
glad that I wasn't like them, even if it meant being left out, ignored and alone much of the time - because, in order to become what they were, I would have to LOSE valuable parts of who I am, and frankly, THEY are not worth that sacrifice. Same reason if somebody invented a pill that cured Autism, you couldn't MAKE me take it. I'm proud of being different than those mindless monkeys.