Looking for meaning or understanding. Google fails me... ;-)

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I add "google fails me" because I've always felt google was like this big brain that can give you access to any information you want, rarely does it not accomplish this for me. But today it is my own identity looking for itself... Don't know where to look, don't think it's on the internet, and know all spiritual people would say "look inside you, listen right, or some would say you don't have one, be like water". But I take all this as too broad to help me.... So google fails... And thus I turn to my peers, you that may have similiar experiences, hoping that it is by understanding what connects us that I can be guided towards truth, or better understanding...

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So I'm either on the spectrum or else I'm delusional and the diagnosis they gave me was wrong. So I'm aspergers due to only fitting that part of the spectrum, no doubt, but then I'm me. And all aspergers are not the same. Yes, we have some traits in common like our brains synapses being flooded sometimes, focussed on one thing and not letting anything else come in, or we could say being too intense in interests, same thing in my experience, or, we could say black and white thinking, causing some kind of blind spot in our self awareness... And I am absolutly the LONER type, from a to z it describes me perfectly.

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Here's what I can't find on google.
I have this intuition which seems like an aspie way of seeing with more evolved eyes that some things are crutches: alcohol, cannabis, tv, masturbation, coffee, bad eating habits, even perhaps those "1 or 2" interests a loner aspie would limit himself to.
But the world (nt) tells us alcohol in moderation is normal and not drinking at all is radical, that cannabis is not a drug and a gift if used appropriatly in moderation (basically that demonizing it is as wrong as idolizing it), they bombard us with new tv shows everyday as if not a single person on earth didnt watch tv daily, they say masturbation is not abnormal and shouldn't be a shame, they all drink their morning coffee or green tea, they all eat too much (in america at least) and way too much of this is not healthy food or unnecessary amounts of meat, and they call these "interests" personnal hobbies.

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But we all seem to complain that we are unsatisfied with what we all have, at some level, we're being tought not to be in touch with our selves. They're all ok with living "as long as I have this or that" versus "living with nothing but... Natural life".

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But my entire self esteem falls appart everytime I remove one of these crutches, I get heavy feet, I fall in my blind spot... And become passive, lose one crutch and then the left over crutches take over like I'm a puppet...

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Is there hope that if I remove all the crutches, my identity will fall appart, but that my true self will then emerge from the ashes and I will know meaning and understanding?

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If I always fail at moderation, will I be happier living with nothing, no tv, no coffee, no masturbation, no getting stuck on the computer, no getting stuck trying to learn everything about one particular thing... Basically, becoming a sort of nobody... Could it make me into a somebody that can't be broken appart by "taking the next step forward"...

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Has anyone felt this experience... It's odd, nts would say I'm an ex drug abuser and a recovering alcoholic, but I know that aint true from an aspie's perspective. To me, it sounds more like my biggest fear is my potential to stop all my addictive behavior, and I fear knowing I can get rid of a crutch, because that confronts me with the fact I have other crutches left over and that I can get rid of them too.

Have you ever feared that you can't quit tv because it will put distance between you and your spouse? Seems to me I know my purpose but am afraid to take it "all the way" by fear of how instead of gaining support from my spouse "like when I quit drugs" I will gain rejection...

As if I was going to follow my heart but only half way, because I don't want to get the typical feeling that I'm leaving someone behind....

Is tv, food, masturbation, really something the human mind needs, is it poison? Are we at a point were we are too far into it to see this as truth... Are we so far off our natural way of life that it now seems alien to us to even beleive that way of life is ours truely?

Or is this just an over reaction to having a new identity crisis?

Yep, google can't answer that one... I think it's that topic no one dares speak about for knowing what the reactions will be... I'm not trying to shove anything down anyone's brains... Just asking questions because I'm lost and don't trust my own insights... Looking to know if it is my blind spot or my true self speaking...

Thanks

They say the aspie loner can be useful for he is able to see or say what others don't dare, is this what is happening to me, or just an identity crisis caused by quitting my drinking habit... And if what I am feeling is true, is it perhaps also not just something people don't dare say but also mostly something most can't bare hear?

Is this just for me in my aspie mind, should I trust these instincts even though they seem so far away from what a normal person would be....

Quitting tv.... Is that even possible... Is it sane or insane to go that far down the rabbit whole?

Id'd say quitting computers too but problem with that is that if you've done it you can't read my post

Waiting for comments, in the mean time... Maybe my crisis will pass, or my illumination will fade, haha, even worse maybe I'll forget I ever had these emotions and forget to read replies.... The blind spot, could also call it my black hole :-S

Well hon, if you are getting into the habit of not drinking, then continue with that. As for finding who you really are, I suggest you go out and do things you like doing. Get yourself some new hobbies, make new friends, spend time with family, and such.
Is that similar to what you're looking for in order to find yourself?

NO your ideas are not bad, extreme, or unreasonable.

Your friends will all do it, your family will all do it, and everyone around you will brush it off giving you the illusion that it's all perfectly ok.
People will tell you reasons it will actually somewhat help you, reasons it's not so bad, reasons that everyone does it.
Well did you know that if the sun were to burn out, our way of life would slightly improve from lack of living expenses, increased safety measures, and better astronomy? The problem? We'd all freeze and die before any of that could happen.
If something hurts you a little bit, and only offers a minimal amount of gain, or just pleasure, then the reasonable thing to do is man up, and stop doing it.
The more society does something addictive, does not validate whatever it is.

You see, the more people around us do things they shouldn't, the more we rethink what is acceptable, but the fact is that MOST people act primarily on emotion, ignore what they need, and cant control their behavior. They know this, don't feel good with themselves, and put themselves either in a state of denial, or false self acceptance.
Over time, this state of denial has become so adamant, most people think all this addictive behavior and willing misdirections are ok, and are ok with what they think they can't do.
You, on the other hand, see it all for what it really is. Even TV, video games, alchohol, etc.. are all complete wastes of time. In fact, if people MADE movies and videogames even half as much as they indulged in them, the story would be a little different, as they'd be learning things in tons of other useful feilds;
You realize that these habits are unhealthy and addictive, and you realize that if you settled to let these things be, you'd be completely denying common sense, and your every instinct and/or well grounded self.

If you let go of these things, (Which actually should be pretty hard, but it'll be worth it!) and I mean ALL of these things I can speak from experience that your lifestyle will drastically improve.
Not instantaniously, you know that, but your ENTIRE life will turn rightside up in a way you could apply your potential anyway you want.
It will be easy to slip back in at first, as everyone else is doing it, egging you on, but it's all just a crutch, remember you intuition, and LISTEN TO YOURSELF.

I feel exactly the same way, and (strive) to eliminate all crutches from my life. Some I've never had to deal with, others were messing my life up, some I'm getting rid of rigjht now. Some I've exterminated.

For example, I am completely against watching tv, unless in extreme moderation, (I.e. watching with family every once in a while for laughs.)
I'm completely against alchohol. (At all.)
I'm completely against masturbation or pornography. (At all.)
Against video games (Too addictive, and I have things to accomplish.)
Against drinking even soda and ANY unhealthy drinks. (I drink water and fruit juice without artificial sugars or sweeteners.)
Against being unhealthy in general. (I don't eat candy, most sugars, or most restaurant food, and I pay VERY good attention to what's in the nutricion facts table.)
Against being lazy. (At all, its almost as bad as all of them, as it also causes them.)

I obviously don't line up to all of this, but I never stop trying, and I never use excuses.
The more I let go of the crutches the drastically better my life gets.
The more I hold on to the crutches, the more my life just totally sucks.

I've tasted a life without any of them, and with some of them, and I can tell you there's a pretty big difference for every single crutch you drop. You'll gain the time and resources to do whatever you want... which is pretty awesome. Not to mention you gain a boost in moral, overcoming the basis' of the strife in our modern world, etc...

I understand how weird it is when EVERYONE seems to think it's okay, you know it's not, but with everyone barking the same gibberish, it really makes you rethink yourself. It's hard to believe, but in reality;
YOU are right, and EVERYONE ELSE who thinks otherwise about these things are wrong.
It's because everyone else knows they're wrong, they just don't want to be. Just stand up for yourself. it's just that your ready to accept the truth and they're not.

Anyway... give it your all.

To dannyboy271:
You're like that person who could have been the person saying, "i also agree" everytime I said something that made others think I was crazy. Like the friend I never found, you don't need converting and had I been on the path of your preaching you would have found no resistance in me. We have the exact same opininions and feelings. Just seems like the world is made up in a way were these only find their match on an autism forum, but not in the public arena.

Very strange feeling, not having to prove my points or get into a debate over them is like a weird feeling of "that's never happened before... What do I do..."

I saw this awesome movie today "the horse boy"
Gave me lots of inspiration

N e way, as you say, lets give it our all... Courage to you my friend

Wow... Still can't beleive I'm not in a debate, So weird....

Is it just me or is that first post incoherent and typical of schizotypal style? I can't make sense of what you're trying to say for all the bizarre similes and allegories in that incoherent ramble.

Adduce synthesis from previous.

I googled the meaning of life, and found it on wikipeadia.

But I never found myself on Google.

Tried, but only got the profile of some jerk with my same name blogging about his work experience living in another country.

You could try Bing.

Or yahoo answers... Those are always the best

Back to myself, now yahoo answers is having a laugh at me for the teasing:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index ... 449AAtXeCE