"It's All in Your Mind"

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Hi. This is a P.S. to a story I posted back in March. I have a neighbor who lives across the hall from me. We've known each other for nearly six years, and she always seemed like a terrific person, kind and highly intelligent. One day she told me she had a nephew with Asperger Syndrome. By then we'd gotten to be friends, so I thought it okay to tell her I have AS, too. But when I referred to it as "autism" she said, "You're not autistic. Autistic people are completely closed off and non-verbal." When I told her that AS is part of the autism spectrum and is a mild form of autism, and that I had been officially diagnosed at a clinic, she snapped,"I don't want to get into an argument about this." I dropped the subject but was hurt and angry, so I posted my story here.

I received a lot of wonderfully helpful replies. People pointed out to me that she is probably overly sensitive about her nephew and can't face the fact that he's autistic. I decided not to mention the subject to her again. I no longer considered her a friend, but I've been civil to her. I can't avoid her entirely because she lives right across the hall. I thought the subject was closed.

Now get a load of this: One of the things I'd mentioned when I first told her I have AS is my hypersensitivity. Recently we were discussing artificial sweeteners, and she said she likes Stevia. I said I don't use it, because I tried it once and it made my head feel full of tension. She said, "That is all in your mind. You can convince yourself of anything. Like, if you tell yourself you have hypersensitivity, you'll feel hypersensitive."

I didn't answer. I just walked away from her. She called after me, "Do you know what I mean?" "Sure," I said. We haven't spoken since. I used to have her over to my place now and then to watch movies on my DVD player, but I certainly won't be doing that again.

I had not brought the subject up at all, and here she was throwing it up at me and trying to convince me my condition is my fault! I knew my "coming out" to her was a mistake but I never dreamed she would do this months later! Who would expect to get hit with such a thing in the middle of a discussion about diet drinks????

Has anything like this happened to you -- that someone tells you a problem from which you've suffered all your life is "all in your mind?" Don't you think it's unbelievably cruel?

Please share your story if you wish.

Thanks,

higgie

The worst part of your story is that she probably doesn't realize how hurtful that is. Unfortunately, I believe there's still a prejudice and denial that's prevalent about autism and mental illness. Society is coming leaps and bounds, but it's still not far from the starting block just yet.

I hate that phrase,the people that say it should have to spend time in our minds.I don't think most people mean it badly,maybe they are trying to be helpful in their own way.But it annoys the crap out of me when they say it.

How much time elapsed between your disclosure and discussion of hypersensitivity?

I ask this because I think most NTs are extremely self-centered and they forget anything not important to them very quickly.

Maybe she thinks she was just being positive.

Were I you, I would let her know, and let her know that her casual dismissal of your neurological difference is hurtful and has altered your relationship. Then she has a chance to make amends. If she chooses to take offense, tell her you are not interested in further discussion on any topic and revert to polite stranger mode when you encounter her: say good morning and excuse me, etc. in the hall, but nothing more.

I think you should give her time. She clearly doesn´t know much, and perhaps she is, like you said, shocked because of her nephew. With her picture of autism, - of course she doesn´t want to hear that about him.
She is not trying to be mean. She just doesn´t know what to think.
Let her "digest" for a while and be patient with her, if she tries to make an opening.

If someone snaps at hearing an objective fact, you just know s/he lives in a world of lies... not worth even trying to talk to such people.

Denial ... I had to convince my mother that the psychiatrist's questions about my childhood development were so that I could get a security clearance. I hated lying to her, but she was in denial for so long about my father's drinking and his abuse of us kids ("Well, you must've done something wrong to deserve it!"), that it would have made things worse to tell her that I suspected I had AS.

Plus, does anyone remember that scene in "Slingblade" where the ignorant bad guy is going on about "them ret*ds"* and the things he believed they did? He could have been any of my uncles and half of my cousins. As far as they were concerned, Autism is just another way of being intellectually challenged. Mom sees most of them almost every week, and she shares many of their opinions.

Will I ever tell her? Probably not. I have my official diagnosis now, and her involvement is no longer needed. Let the old girl keep on bragging that her youngest boy is involved in some kind of work that requires a security clearance.

She would only deny the truth.


*HIS words, not mine.

I don't know why people think the fact that something is 'all in your mind' makes it any less real. After all, love is a purely mental process, therefore your feelings of love for someone else are 'all in your mind' as well.

I think this is just a classic case of not knowing much about autism. When you hear "politician" do you not also hear "professional liar"? Autism is a buzzword to most people, and its a scary thing, especially with regards to social status, which is probably what scares her the most. I've had the same thing happen to me. Coworkers at my first called me a liar to my face for saying I had AS. I guess I seemed too normal to have AS.

I had made my initial disclosure in March and this latest conversation took place just a week ago, in late July. Maybe she actually thought she was being helpful, but she sure wasn't. I will follow your good advice.


quote="Adamantium"]How much time elapsed between your disclosure and discussion of hypersensitivity?

I ask this because I think most NTs are extremely self-centered and they forget anything not important to them very quickly.

Maybe she thinks she was just being positive.

Were I you, I would let her know, and let her know that her casual dismissal of your neurological difference is hurtful and has altered your relationship. Then she has a chance to make amends. If she chooses to take offense, tell her you are not interested in further discussion on any topic and revert to polite stranger mode when you encounter her: say good morning and excuse me, etc. in the hall, but nothing more.[/quote]

Maybe it's all in her nephew's head too. See what she thinks of that.

I hate that phrase too. It really hurts.
I have panic attacks and have had them since I was 14. I am learning to cope with them, but in the past they scared me soo much I'd run to mum for help.
She'd generally just tell me they were "all in my head," and that I can "just stop having it, because I started it." That hurt so much, I'd get more upset and the attack would last longer as a result. I stopped going to her when I had panic attacks.
I think she found it scary to see me having a panic attack.

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I don't have much advice, but I can relate. Whenever I say something like ''I feel everyone is staring at me'', or, ''are people laughing at me?'', people always say, ''it's all in your mind, it's just your imagination.'' They might be right and I hope they are, but I find it hard to tell imagination and reality apart when it comes to paranoia. If it is just in my mind, it still seems so real, and if it is real, it seems too far-fetched to be real. So I don't know what to believe. It probably just overlaps, people do look at me because it's what humans do naturally, but my imagination makes me think it's personal.

I was told I was a hypochondriac growing up by people I really trusted, people in my family, and that really hurts. Problem is, sometimes as a child you believe it and then you think you are normal. I am glad I found out that I am not. But people who say stuff like that are just ridiculous. I want to say idiotic but I want to be nice. It's so annoying when people insist that they know what you are feeling or not feeling better than you do. And there are times when they actually might be right but for the most part I would think not.

higgie,
that type of person isnt worth trying to convince,they have deep set beliefs and agendas based on ignorance and wont change, they are not worth affecting mental health over, just try and laugh it off, pity her for being so damn ignorant.

aspergers technicaly is not mild autism,its just high functioning autism.
people assume high functioning=mild, the functioning level has got nothing to do with severity.
high functioning just equals having an IQ one point or higher out of the intelectual disability spectrum,aspies can still be severely autistic except their higher IQ gives them ability to learn more coping skills and adapt better to change than those of us who are low functioning and severely autistic-the difference between us and HFAs is only in how we express our autism and deal with it.
people who still think autism is represented by very limited stereotypes need a kick up the arse,what year is this now? no excuse for it, autism awareness is everywhere.