Why do some people equate assertiveness with worthiness?

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My boss is one of those people. I've met others. I'm not a very strong, in-your-face personality. I'm polite and quiet, but every once in a while, when I've tried everything else I'll push back--especially if you catch me at the right time of the month. Some people treat me better after I do this. Why can't I be shy and gentle and still be taken seriously?

I cant speak for your boss, but I've had bosses that sound like what you describe, and they just made people snap at them, and you could tell by the grin on their face or look their eyes that they were enjoying it as if it empowered them.

A psychiatrist once told me that a lot of people in executive positions have traits of narcissism and to them something like the situation that you describe is just a game sometimes.

Last edited by Jonov on 03 Aug 2013, 10:18 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I know what you mean, OP. I think the majority of the people are like that. There are only a few people at my work that treat me respectfully as I am. It's impossible for me to be assertive and I'm paying dearly for it. It seems to me that assertiveness is often a cover for their lack of competency.

I'm polite and quiet, too. I had one co-worker who kept harrassing me until I got the supervisor involved. The hostile co-worker and I had words and she said that she had been a bully in school. She said that she kept hitting this one girl because she wanted her to hit her back or cry. I guess she was essentially telling me that was what was going on between us. I don't have that kind of desire/need that she has. The only explanation I could come up with was that she did not want to feel invisible. I did not pay much attention to her or think about her at all until the ordeal. She then became a looming figure in my life and a real pain in the a** to the supervisors as she harrassed many people.

assertive means looking for the win-win situation, not snapping at someone because you are premenstrual. it is possible to be assertive and gentle. in fact, gentle people are more likely to be assertive. bullying is not assertive; it's aggressive.

I've thought about this many times. My theory is that they use assertiveness as a proxy measure for competence or knowledge about the subject being discussed.

It makes sense, to a degree. When you ask a question you yourself don't know the answer to how can you be confident that the answer is correct? You cannot, so an alternative is to rely on how confident the person giving the answer is. The presumption is that the more they know, the more confident they'll be. This is true to a degree, but of course NTs take it way too far. That already makes it wide open to inadvertent miscommunication, because some people are just more confident (about everything) than others. To make matters worse, you cannot know how confident someone else really is, you can only infer their level of confidence from how assertively they come across, which also leaves this proxy measure wide open to manipulation.

I think some NTs deliberately abuse it, but some are probably oblivious to how assertively they come across and just take it for granted that everyone seems to trust what they say.

Assertive connotes confidence & confidence connotes success. Contents may vary.

This is called passive aggressive, which is worst than being aggressive.

An example would be two neighbor's having side by side lawn's with no fences. The passive aggressive person would let his neighbor on his lawn nearly everyday without complaint. However after a period of time they'd feel taken advantage of and would strike back by building a fence on the neighbor's side of the lawn. An aggressive person would simply try to take over both lawns from the start. A passive person would make no claim to their own lawn. While an assertive person would simply tell the neighbor don't walk on my lawn.

The problem with being passive is that it enables aggressive people. The problem with being passive aggressive, is that you both enable people, and at the same time have aggressive behavior. In the end being passive aggressive also confuses people especially aspies as you appear to be changing the rules out of nowhere. One day it's fine to walk on your lawn, the next it's a crime. This kind of inconsistency is impossible for most people to deal with.

The virtue of being assertive is that nothing can build up, if you stick to your own from the start, and don't feel the need to strike back, conflicts will not have time to develop.

Obviously in real life being assertive is very hard thing to do, as you can never know what is truly your property or others. However I can guarentee you it's something worth establishing.