I suspect a friend of mine has Aspergers...

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Hello everyone,

Firstly I hope that I am posting in the right section!

I have a question regarding Aspergers. I recently met a girl at University which I really like. She is funny, witty, pretty and one of the most intelligent people I have ever met. I thoroughly enjoy spending time with her but I have a difficult time understanding her. I will not elaborate much on her behaviour because this is based more on a "feeling" than something I know to be a fact. It's just that after a while the thought snuck into my mind that mabey she has Asperger's. I am a psychology student thus what I know about Aspergers is based more on theoretical knowledge than anything else. I am a very empathetic person and quite sensitive to non verbal behaviour, and ever since I got that feeling it hasn't left me.

Now I do not want to raise the question because firstly, what if I am wrong? I do not want to offend her. However if she does have Aspergers, I would really like her to know that it does not change the way I feel about her and our relationship, on the contrary, it deepens my affection and admiration. But I am finding it hard to maintain our relationship because at times I feel it's very one-sided even though when we are together, her excitement about our friendship is something special. But this seems to dissipate when I don't see her. She doesn't initiate conversation via text and isn't very talkative when I do text her.

Please do not get me wrong, I am not some smitten young lover who in fear of unreciprocated feelings want to justify why this girl acts the way she does. I do like this girl, but I am old-school in the sense that I want to be friends and get to know each other before anything else. I am an introvert and observer by nature and as mentioned rather sensitive and empathetic to other people, and for some reason I just cannot shake this feeling.

I hope you wouldn't mind sharing your insight with me. I do not know what to do. As mentioned, I am asking because I want to build on this relationship but this is really bothering me. I feel that there is something that she isn't telling me which is in the line of "I was diagnosed with Asperger's" because I cannot account for her behaviour with any other explanation. We have had deep conversations about our lives and she has shared very intimate and personal details with me, so it's not that we don't share . Mabey I should just mention a few reasons why I think this:

She is very awkard socially and does not (atleast in my perception) like eye-contact.
She is EXTREMELY intelligent, far beyond most people I have ever met and especially for her age.
Sometimes it feels like she does not understand the back-and-forth nature of a relationship (conversational she isn't bad).
She has mentioned on many an occasion that she is not good with relationships at all (something we share) and is terrible at maintaining them.
When I complimented her early on after we met, she did not know how to take it. Later on she mentioned that no one has ever really done that (complimented her) and she didn't know how to react. Which I find strange because she is really pretty and very likeable.
She does not like places with a lot of people; I asked her whether she goes to church to which she replied: "no because that would mean I would have to engage with people". I find this strange because she is part of a group that gets in front of people and sing. Contradictory?

I am sorry if I come across as naive or ignorant. I just need advice.
Thanks for reading!

Do you have Asperger's? Asperger's in her family? enquire about her parents.

Maybe she doesn't know she has it. Maybe she's afraid to tell you because she doesn't want to lose you. Personally, I didn't know that I *might* have Asperger's until I was 30. A couple of years ago I would be shocked if someone told me I was on the spectrum.
But I must say, your description of her behavior really resembles my own behavior in a relationship. Most likely, she's very fond of you.

Maybe try to talk to her about Asperger's, but without implying she might have it. Just tell about it as something that you know of. Let her know what you think of people with Asperger's. Maybe it will help her open up to you, but if not, don't force it.

But I'd say... If it really doesn't change the way you feel about her, does it matter if she has it or not? You seem to understand and accept her difficulties in socializing, so just accept them as a part of her personality. She's still that person that you care about.

It sounds like you are romantically interested in this woman, which leads to 2 possibilities:

1) She is NT and you are at serious risk of being "friendzoned". You need to be direct, tell her you are romantically interested and ask her out. If she says no back off she's just not that into you or not in a position to accept right now. Try again in a few days and if she still says no, stop.

2) She is on the spectrum and does not know you are interested and/or does not (yet?) think of you in that context. You need to be direct, tell her you are romantically interested and ask her out. If she says no she either is not that into you or needs time to think about it. Try again in a few days and if she still says no, stop.

Asking someone if they have aspergers is not helpful - a lot of aspies have signs that are not causing sufficient distress to warrant getting diagnosed. In countries without universal health coverage it is very expensive, and in countries with universal coverage you need to be experiencing enough distress to get referred up 2 levels of specialists without getting bounced back down with a single issue diagnosis (ie ADD xor depression xor antisocial xor OCD).

Those are mild autistic traits, but I don't see any indication of impairment. She may be sub-clinical, or she may be an introverted NT. (By the way: Introvert does not mean shy or socially anxious. It means that she prefers small groups, one-on-one conversations, and quiet activities, and that she is tired out by overstimulation and needs time alone to relax. Introversion is natural and normal, but often rather baffling to extroverts.)

For many autistics, it doesn't come naturally to initiate contact. Introverts have a milder version of the same tendency. You may find that you are going to be the one to initiate contact, and if you're both okay with that, then it should work out fine. You might want to actually talk about it with her explicitly--"I find I'm always the one who comes to you when I want to hang out; are you okay with that? Do I bother you too much? Or do you prefer me to be the one to come to you?"

Talk about stuff! If the two of you don't communicate, then all the awkwardness will start to build up.

As for texting: Some people simply find it a cumbersome way to communicate.

Wow thank you all for the responses!

Yes her behavior does not change how I feel about out relationship but I just feel there is some sort of explanation that would help me understand her better. Because of how she is I am scared that I might be too pushy about spending time together.

I understand introversion very well and am an INFP myself. We said we'd do something this week so mabey as I get to know her better the picture might become clearer. I honestly do not want to mention a romantic relationship because I feel that is moving too fast. I have told her that I enjoy her and her company and she has said the same.

Please can you guys elaborate on the point of her possibly being an NT? I do not completely understand.

Thanks again for all the priceless insight!