Running Away

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Hey. I have no idea what to do. My problem with the smells has been getting worse, I am more scared than ever of taking my medicine, and my mom doesn't really seem to care what I do (If I leave or not). I might run away. I was thinking that I could spend the night in a little grassy area where nobody seems to go (even though it is near a trail). I might get to somewhere else in the next morning. I am trying to plan where exactly it is that I want to go so that I don't get caught by anyone looking for me. Where do you guys think that I should go? I am in southern Ontario, do you think that it will be too cold to sleep at night? Should I sleep during the day? Is it illegal to run away when you're 15?

I don't know if it's illegal in your country. In the states running away could get you put in juvenile hall depending on the surrounding circumstances. (typically if you are a repeat offender and some other illegal things go along with it)

I ran away twice at your age. They always find you, and when they find you all the freedoms you have are taken from you, along with your privacy. The first time the cops retrieved me, the second time I came back on my own. I was only gone 24 hours each time. It seems like a lovely idea until you actually do it. From the time I was 13 until I actually "ran away" at 15, I planned on doing it. I devised plans for many different scenarios, along with one of my only friends.

I am very sorry you feel like this is your only option and that your mother does not care. I would like to know why you feel she does not care. If you don't want to share with me that is okay.

What is it about the medication that scares you? What kind of medication is it?
If you are always anxious any sensory issues you have will be exacerbated, that is probably why smells are bothering you even more now.

The medication is Venlafaxine XR (Effexor XR). The reason that I don't want to take it is because I lose all of my thoughts. I can no longer concentrate on anything, and my memory is HORRIFIC. My mom said that she doesn't care what happens anymore because I had such a hard time in school last year that I had to leave near the end. She said that if I don't want to take my medicine that she "doesn't care what happens". The medication is for depression and anxiety. By the way, I am in Ontario,Canada. I was thinking of taking my bike and a backpack with a sleeping bag, and a water purifier and some high caloric-density foods. I am just a waste of space anyways. I couldn't even go to the end of school last year because I am mentally-ill. I used to think that I was strong and I'm not. I then thought I was good looking and I am not. I then thought I was smart and I'm not. I am nothing but a sub-ordinary waste of flesh. The world already has 7 billion other people, most of them like me or better.

Effexor was not the medication for me either. I understand completely, I have been on many medications, and my son who is actually your age has been too. We know from experience that if one doesn't work or causes bad side effects, not to continue. She should listen to your concerns. I believe that since this is your body you should have some say about what you put in it.

Are you completely against medication or just this particular one?

Sounds like your mother may be a bit frustrated, which doesn't make telling you "i don't care" okay. I think your mom should figure out a better way to work with you instead of fighting against you.

This is what my son and I do when we have problems communicating... we write to each other. Since we both have Aspergers it's really hard for us to communicate at times, especially when it's something we feel very strongly about and are on opposite sides of the fence on.
Do you think that may be an option?

Oh and I would not advise running away, it could potentially land you in a mental hospital, which won't help the fact that you feel you are not being listened to.

Hello Mike, being homeless sucks in a big, big way. I have been homeless twice and that was when I was older than you and earning money. It's hard work, lonely, dangerous and generally crap all round.

I also had similar issues at your age, with school and family, and I understand it feels that everyone is against you but please reconsider and try to find a better solution. I'm taking the same medication as the one you have been given, it's not great but the alternative is worse. Meds affect everyone differently and the side effects can reduce after a few weeks, if these do not suit you can you ask the doctor to try an alternative?

My mom doesn't care because she thinks that I am not doing as much as I can to get better. She doesn't understand that from the second I wake up to the second I go to sleep, I am thinking about how to avoid bad smells, perfumes, shampoos, smoke, etc.
I used to wake up in the morning and be excited about what was going to happen. I used to live in the moment. SO much has changed in such a short period of time. I have always had these problems ever since I was a baby, but they have never gotten this bad. I want to go to school, but I am so scared of the smells,toxins, and PEOPLE. The therapist won't talk to me until I take my medicine, so I have no one to talk to. I genuinely think that this is it. Either I run away or I kill myself, but I am too scared to do the second.

I am just a distraction. I DO NOT BELONG HERE. I used to think that I would do something in the future that was fantastic. Just last year I genuinely felt that I could make a real Iron man suit. I drew up drawings and sketched everything out. The Iron man suit is all that I could talk about. Now I realize that I can't even finish grade 9 of high school like everyone else did (I finished it, but had all of the papers emailed to me at my home so that I could finish them there). I am not really anything to be proud of. That is why I don't blame my Mom for not being too proud of me anymore.

I have taken Fluoxetine (Prozac,Sarafem) with the same results.

I was going to say that however bad it is at home, chances are, it'll be worse out on the street, but...

If you really mean that, and it really is that bad (but think very hard whether it actually is!) then I suppose you could do it as a way of signalling how bad your situation is. That might be helpful if your parents or therapist are not taking you seriously. But I would not be going into this with the idea that you'll somehow make it out there on your own long-term. Expect that you will be caught - and if you're not, you'll probably wish you were.

Still, before doing something that drastic, have you tried actually telling someone in real life how bad you feel your situation is? I mean, what you told us - that either you run away or you kill yourself? If you can't make that clear verbally (which many aspies have trouble with) perhaps you could write it down. You're explaining yourself in writing quite well here.

I am really angry that your sensory issues are being ignored. I have sensitivity to smell and walk around holding my breath a lot. I am very scared that I will smell something that makes me ill or gives me an overload. People stink (literally)

I don't like it when people assume I am not trying hard enough. NT people assume this because they don't experience the world in the same way we do. It's not a matter of just "getting over it" or "dealing with it", but they tend to think it is.

I've been suicidal many times in my life, I can relate to that feeling too.

I honestly believe you should write all of this out and give it to someone you trust. You need to be taken seriously.

This is good advice and it will allow you to vent the pressure a bit too. Do a good job, full attention to detail and all laid out in a logical order. Presentation counts for a lot. Give this one more try to find help, I'm sorry no one is listening to you.

Hi Mike,

It feels like your experience of Venlafaxine is similar to my own. It made many of my obsessions much worse, and this was especially so when I missed doses. If you are regularly missing doses then I would expect you to feel like crap nearly all of the time.
Is your communication with mum and therapist good enough for you to ask to move onto different meds for your anxiety and depression? Or do you simply want to be drug free for a while?
The recommended way of getting off Venlafaxine is to slowly taper off, preferably in conjunction with an SSRI. You've already tried Prozac, but there are other SSRIs available (avoid Seroxat {Paxil}).

You sound like you want to regain control of your life while keeping your mum and therapist on your side so I would suggest asking for a switch to an SSRI. Once you are off Venlafaxine then you can probably start missing doses of the SSRI without the side effects that are experienced from missing Venlafaxine doses. If you don't like the new SSRI then maybe you can slowly flush them down the toilet with noone being any the wiser.

You're still left with depression and anxiety issues and there are many drugs available to help you with this. Beta blockers and ace inhibitors are good for anxiety and might be an option - especially if you have high blood pressure. And there are other classes of AD - Mirtazapine is currently suiting me very well; doesn't mean it will work for you though.

Going on the road and sleeping rough can be fun if you have a secure base to return to, but as a lifestyle choice in Canada I would think you will soon find you are cold, hungry and exhausted most of the time.

You need a different therapist.

A good therapist should be discussing why you're not taking your meds, not refusing you help until you do.

Hi, in addition to the sensory issues of being on the spectrum, there are some straight-up medical conditions that cause increased sensitivity to smell.

I have struggled with both depression and obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). Mike, where you talk about trying to think of ways to avoid smells, perfume, smoke, from the moment you wake up, that reminds me of my own OCD. And when I got into the second order thing of fearing the fear or worrying about the worry, that made it a lot worse. Instead, what kind of worked was a variety of zen techniques. Say worked partially and/or 70% of the time. But I'll take 70%. (SSRIs are also supposed to work for OCD, but people say, maybe not the first one, trial and error in respectful sense, everyone's biochem is a little different)

Mike, you are a valued human being and a member of our tribe, and your worth as a human being is not dependent on achieving great things. In fact, you might find more satisfaction in building a team and being a member of the team. And you were majorly into building an iron man suit, more power to you! Just keep in mind that anything creative in engineering is probably a bit of a long shot. For example, the radio pioneer Nikola Tesla, who most probably was autism spectrum,too, I'm sure he had a bunch of failed projects. And sometimes the failure in one is the seeds for success in another.

What if you make a list of the three relatives most likely to let you come live with them?

And the fact that you are highly motivated to go live in a field presumably away from chemical smells, that tells me that it might be Aspie sensory issues + medical condition relating to smells.