Nearly 40 and Frightened

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Hello

I'm hoping for some advice, thoughts, anything useful I can work with facing a difficult present and frightening future.

I'm 38, female and was diagnosed as Asperger's a couple of years go, after a lifetime of confusion and essentially failure to thrive emotionally or socially. My parents have done their best to understand and support but they want to pay a councillor to fix me and we've been there, tried that, many times. I've mostly left them banging their heads off a brick wall, not knowing what to suggest. The GP has been utterly useless. My parents have no idea where to turn, what to do, and have almost disengaged from the issue and so I get some vague, totally unrealistic "Oh, don't worry, it'll be okay" even though all three of us know that is very far from the truth. They're struggling in their own way.

I haven't been out the house alone since I was 21. I have no friends at all, no wider family. This is not a whinge, simply the facts.

Basically, I am terrified. My parents are aging, they support me financially and physically at the moment but this cannot continue indefinitely. I'd like to get myself into some kind of sheltered accommodation or supported living, it'd be a weight off their minds to know I'm 'cared for'. However, we've drawn a blank. All we can find are males-only, or multiple-flat type situations, mostly in built-up urban areas. That kind of environment would be the worst thing for me, it'd tip me over the edge. I need my own safe, private place where I finally have some control and the opportunity to offer a home to an animal or two. I need something professional and reliable, not reliant simply on the good will of kind hearts.

My parents will either need to downsize to a more manageable house, or one day they just won't be here. I won't cope. I couldn't begin to manage a house or the financial responsibilities. Without a solid, trusted person by my side to help me feel safe I quickly crumble. There are limited carer services available, but the costs are prohibitive and I very much doubt I'll have much money at all in future.

I'm very, very frightened for the future and am thinking more and more of ending it because I can't live feeling like this for years to come and I completely lack the inner resources to do anything positive and constructive to change things for the better. I've tried, I'm worn out. I live in a situation I don't have the ownership or finances to change and cannot and will not walk out of here, to end up on the streets. Having shown myself so unable to build a meaningful life, the future has little to tempt me, but I don't want to lose my parents and end my life basically alone in a gutter because I can't function at all without them.

How on earth do begin to pick a way out of this mess?

I'm sorry you are feeling so blue. In my experiences I have found that there are 2 "voices" we can listen to. If that voice is positive, encouraging, loving, etc., it comes from the creative spirit. If that "voice" is negative, condesending or just generally reinforces negative thinking, it comes from the ego. Learn to listen to the positive voice and you will come out fine.

First and foremost, please don't end your life! You are a valuable person, do not let your negative emotions get the better of you. It may help to try and 'detach' yourself from them, by knowing that they are just feelings generated by chemicals in your brain. Sorry if that sounds stupid and cliche, but I'm really not sure how else to open this. I'm only 18 years old and I've never experienced the intensity of the hardships you have gone through and those that you are still going through.

I'm not sure where you live, but contacting any free support service is absolutely paramount when you're placing a threat on your own life, especially if you have no other contacts. You are going to need to make at least one contact (doesn't have to be a friend) that can help you with your finances and other critical areas of life, that much is clear. Do you have neighbours? Do your parents have friends? Ask anyone before ending your life. A stranger at the supermarket may be your key to survival.

Last edited by Norny on 02 Feb 2014, 12:46 am, edited 2 times in total.

Do you have a daily physical fitness regimen? The rush is important. It is the best way I know of to fight despair.

do you live in the US?

Thanks, responders.

I think the main thrust of my questions got lost in the concern for my more despairing slant. While people mean well, I don't need talk about positive inner voices or letting feelings getting the better of me. Feeling like I'm suspected of failing to try hard enough to manage or adjust my own mind isn't in any way uplifting, especially when we don't understand each other's back stories. Trust me, I have reached out plainly and directly to doctors, councillors, specialist Autism services and met only brick walls.

I've waded through every British Asperger's support site I can find and not one has offered any practical angle I can work with. Some have service links, but all outside my area and all expensive. Moving house is not an option.

This is my reality of my day to day life, my financial and domestic circumstances. I'm trying to find a realistic alternative to relying on increasingly elderly parents, some kind of wrap-around day-to-day life service. I guess this might be an option to those with healthy finances, not so much for this situation.

The laugh is, I post here hoping to find advice from people who've maybe had a similar situation and yet I get the distinct impression I really am a hopeless case! We all have our own trials to face and I wish every one the very best with them, but we don't all find safe harbour. I'm trying to find mine, before the situation at home hits crisis point.

Point of order:

Whereabouts do you reside in the United Kingdom?

Are you on ESA? You may be able to get subsidised support care. A few of the people I know have this, and they come in and take care of you for however long you need it.

Also: why have you not left the house for 17 years? I'm very socially awkward and pretty much fear people, but I make sure I physically remove myself from home every day. Sometimes I go shopping on my own.

^ That's amazing advice!

Elend, please do not be afraid. Maybe recognising your AS has shook up your world (naturally), but you have so many options just yet. I read that people tend to overestimate what they can do in a day, but way underestimate what they can do over time. Just pick one thing you really want at a time, and just do that. Then the next thing you want, and repeat. Sometimes the solutions to really sticky problems are easier than you think. Please do not be so hard on yourself.....you will be OK.

Oh, and Welcome to the Wrong Planet!

Hello Tequila

I am on ESA, I was passed fit for work and had to seek support in a tribunal to be shifted to the other group (name escapes me). Fortunately the court accepted my claim without calling me to give evidence. My parents are reluctant to get back into battle with social services or any other such organisation, the last encounter took the stuffing out of all of us and the specialists who advised us at the time said they thought we would be highly unlikely to succeed in claims for any other support or financing, given the various boxes we do not tick.

I didn't say I hadn't been out the house for 17 years I said I don't go out alone. I need a trusted companion to act as a buffer otherwise I can easily crumple. I enjoy being outside, in the right places, with the right company. My concern is I cannot expect my parents to provide that long-term and I have no desire at all to join clubs, any kind of groups, 'make friends'. I am looking for wrap-around professional support care, in the Midlands area. Unfortunately, being outside Birmingham, Solihull, Coventry or any of the other major catchment areas has counted against us.

I think I've actually made a big mistake in my post. It's nice to have anyone show concern and I don't mean to dump on that but I'm getting a lot of well-meant but inappropriate, generalised, advice on how to manage states of mind. I'm not saying I know better than everyone else, but I am saying I do know me better than anyone else.

I'm not the least bit shook up being labelled as AS and I've been round this coping-strategies, just try this/think this/do this roundabout so many times I know the landscape well. I've done all I know how to do, to find myself a guide to an alternative route out of the place I am. Right now, I'm focused on keeping a roof over my head without burdening my parents any more than necessary.

Last edited by Elend on 01 Feb 2014, 3:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

My apologies.

Another question out of curiosity: do you write?

I so understand where you are at. I'm there as well.

Lost my "job" back in November. If I'm fortunate, I'll have something next week...if only part-time.

Mom and dad are now paying my bills. Since I've always managed to work, I justified getting a new car because I'd be able to handle the payments. Now, it's like a millstone around my neck, and they have no income, so their "helping" really hurts me.

Even though I always managed to work, it was always dead-end, low-pay jobs with no real future. I'm drowning in student loan debt, and if I don't find a place where I "fit in" and can count on a self-sustaining income for the rest of my foreseeable future, I don't know how I'm going to face any of it.

My best tip is find one or more people to live with who have similar needs. I'm not interested in ever getting married, but I've always considered it might be an option to marry someone just for the sake of mutual support as we get older. I'd probably prefer a roommate/housemate to getting married, though.

What are your specific needs? I didn't get it from your posts.

I hope this doesn't offend, please understand it's just an idea. Not easy to find and can be costly, but you said you need a trusted companion. Not a substitute for parents, either. But might you want to look into a service dog perhaps if you are in need of a companion to support daily activities?

I'm afraid that I'll be in a similar situation when I'm your age. Currently I live with my mum, am very dependent on her rarely leave the house. I'm nearly 30 now.

Hi Elend,

I think I can relate to your situation a little, and I also think you 'sound' a bit like me. I live in the U.K. too. I live with my partner, and he sorts out the troublesome aspects of independent living. I do the physical and intellectual stuff. :p Without him I'd risk getting in (financial) trouble, and possibly end up homeless etc.. And you are right, in many areas of the U.K. there is virtually no practical support to help with living for adults with Aspergers.
I wouldn't need as much as you, just a bit of assistance to keep an overview and to do the things that terrify me, like paying bills, and help with some practical social things, like applying for jobs and keeping jobs.

I am now getting treatment for depression and anxiety, and for that there are more options. You sound depressed too; perhaps you could find support via mental health support organisations. I know a young woman who has bipolar disorder and who has recently moved into supported accommodation; perhaps that would be available in your area too?
What I mean is perhaps you could try to get support as a person with mental health difficulties (like I said, you seem to be depressed) rather than as a person with Aspergers.