Why don't we all just pretend to have 'empathy'???

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I've been thinking about this subject for a while.

Why is it that Aspies and Auties do not want to just pretend to have empathy?

I don't necessarily mean 'acting NT' but rather why do we all just simply act 'perfect' when we are around other people?

Also why do some people on the spectrum have an issue with telling 'white lies' eg pretending to be happy?

I can understand why it may not be possible to pull all this off convincingly, but if you at least make the attempt then you are ticking all the boxes.

Personally myself I try to act 'perfect' in the moral sense according to what the western world considers to be 'perfect' (or at least what it professes to be perfect) and I can't understand why no one tries to act like Captain America or Superman.

Why be bad ass?????

I know that sometimes you have to stand up for yourself, but still...

Who says they some don't?

I bet there's heaps of those with an ASD who just say and/or do the appropriately nice things because they know it's the "good" thing, even if they personally have no idea why it's the "good" thing in the first place (or they think it's stupid).

By that logic, I really can't say why I ever did anything. I abhor false pretense but to say I never empathized would be just that.

That's the thing about empathy, it's very hard to fake it. Because empathy is ongoing interest in other people's story. It's like empathetic people are thinking about other peoples stories, and it's all really very interesting to them. I don't know about you but I pretty much NEVER think about other folk's lives in a meaningful way. I may wonder about my own relationship with another person, but I don't get all interested in their lives, love and problems. My thinking is busy dealing with what's in front of me, or my special interests... but the ins and outs of other people's lives almost never.

Have you ever watched a soap opera on TV? Those complicated twisted emotional stories that never end... that's empathy.

It's a bit of a strain for me to understand how others are feeling, but I do my best.

Because empathy is performance based in real-time.
Ask a race car driver to just "pretend" he's the best driver, will that make him win?

Why would anyone be interested in constantly hearing about peoples problems?

Happy love stories yes
Fun holiday stories that have humour to them yes
An interest you don't share but which seems like fun or something you might want to try yes

But listening to someone going on and on and rattling and prattling about their self made self created problems and self esteem issues (when those problems don't really need to even exist most of the time)...err that's not interesting.

People do it to be kind but not because they are genuinely interested in your problems or you in theirs. Do it too much tough and I am sure people run out of patience. I know I do.

If they have a problem why don't they find a damn solution and stop driving everyone mad with their pointless whinning.

The only time I have empathy for someone droning on is when I know the problem can't be solved, In that case I feel for them. But the whiners who whine just for the hell of it when they could just solve the damn problem instead...those I avoid.

I do pretend when necessary, due to disliking having my face punched.
For example: someone is telling me about how their aunt died.
"I'm sorry that this happened" is a better response than "F*ck off, I've just got to the good part in my book."

Sometimes, though, it's hard to tell what people are feeling or what the appropriate response is.

Yep....there are times when you have to "fake" it. Who Am I makes an excellent point: it is common knowledge that people will grieve when someone passes away. It's inappropriate and even ridiculous NOT to express empathy in these instances, even if you are "faking it." It's not hypocrisy, it's common sense on many levels.

It's just the moral thing to do. It's what makes us human. People on the Spectrum are human. It is a fallacy to state that people on the Spectrum will inevitably not possess "theory of mind." Many animals from many species are sympathetic/empathetic to the plight of one of their own, and the plight of those of other species.

Let's not think of it as "faking it." Think of it as the "right thing to do." Without empathy, we will die as a species.

I have empathy, I may express it differently, but so what? My first 20+ years alive I tried to fit in, pretended I was part of the group. I'm too disillusioned to pretend anymore. I have autism, selective mutism, and a plethora of other odd personality traits. I'm not going to hide who I am.

I don't pretend to have empathy... Because I can't.
I only act like I have empathy when I feel empathy.
Like, once I saw a beggar and I gave her the cents I have with me.
But if someone says "my uncle died" I can't pretend I have empathy. I could say "I'm sorry" but I'd say it with a flat tone and an unexpressive face. When this happens people can spot a mile away that I'm lying. They don't get mad at me though.

Because I have no emotional control.
I try to be as calm as possible, I try to control what I feel, but I can't. If I am sad/angry and pretend I am not, it just get more and more sad/angry and when I reach the breaking point I can't control it anymore. It's better if I don't try to hide what I feel. If I take it out immediately, the damage I cause is rather small: just some screams and kicks to objects. If I take it out after having hidden it for a long time, it means massive meltdown/shutdown.

Exactly that.

I care deeply about other people, but that doesn't mean that I can just read their feelings and respond in real-time like an NT does. It's just not a skill I have. I have to step back and think about it. I have to ask them what they're feeling. If I were to "pretend", I would make the wrong response half the time. Instead, I'm honest about it and I try to get real information about people, at my own pace, so that I can communicate instead of just pretending to.

I would rather look unusual and make real connections, than look normal and make pretend connections.

Sometimes, when the thing you are trying to understand is so common that responding to it can be formulaic--like saying "I'm sorry" when someone tells you that a loved one has died. That's a handy shortcut, but it's not something you can use for things that are less universal or more personal or more detailed. When you say "I'm sorry" or "Can I do anything for you?" to a grieving person, you're essentially expressing your decision to support them. You don't have to actually feel grief yourself--if you didn't know the person, you probably won't. You just have to have a desire to see that grieving person be comforted. Feeling emotion is optional; your decision to care is the essential part.

There are some things that one, obviously, must feel empathy for--such as the death of a loved one, losing one's home, pain from a fracture, etc.

Other times, it's not so obvious, obviously LOL It's our job as people to learn from experience, and to use that experience to empathize, or at least try to empathize.

Ironically, there are times when it is not in the best interest of the suffering person for one to express empathy directly to that person. Sometimes, one must take a common-sensical approach which encourages solutions to problems, rather than wallowing in the self-pity which is borne out of those problems. In these cases, one is, somewhat paradoxically, expressing more empathy than one who encourages one to maintain the status-quo when it comes to their empathy-inducing situation.

Other times, one must use both the direct and indirect methods of expressing empathy.

I should know: I wallow plenty. It's really not in my best interest, most of the time.

I wouldn't need to pretend I have empathy, as I already do....trouble is expressing it normally, which probably isn't going to happen since even if I try to act 'normal' its still obvious to people there is something off about me. As for white lies, I tell them all the time just not to try to fake that I am 'happy' maybe sometimes to fake that I am 'ok' when I don't really feel I am since I don't want other people to worry on my account. If people only wanted to deal with me when I seem 'happy' I guess they'd have to only be around me when I am smoking weed, drinking or doing other drugs that can cause euphoria.

Also why should I want to act 'perfect' in the moral sense according to what the western world considers to be 'perfect' that would be a boring thing to strive for in my opinion. So even if I could act that way, don't see what good it would do me. Also clearly Thor is more awesome then Captain America or Superman.

Ok and do you think you can for instance tell over the internet if the problem can't be solved....or are you talking about real life people you've run into who just complain and don't put any solutions to use? Also though some mental illnesses can cause the problem of making it impossible for the person to see solutions or how to put them to use, but they still feel like crap so they still might talk about it. Its not wrong to get sick of it, and most people don't know how to help or necessarily deal with someone in that state of mind but acting like they could just come up with a solution and do it is a bit ignorant in some cases. I personally usually end up in the psych ward when I get like that since the alternative my mind goes to is well can' do anything about it so might as well off myself...so thats when I know I need more intensive help and that my family/friends aren't in any position to really help me with that.

I don't have to pretend to have empathy; I have it. The trouble is judging how to express it appropriately, and this isn't something easily pretended; its possible that part of this is because I might initially feel empathy for the "wrong thing" and misinterpret what the other person needs.
For example, if someone is crying in public, the "right" response is to go try to comfort them, whereas I might instinctively ignore them. Judging by appearance, it might look like I have no empathy, but really, I'm just empathizing with the wrong signal.
The "normal" person sees the pain that is causing the tears and runs to try to assuage it; obviously I see this too, but what I see FIRST is the pain of feeling humiliated for crying in public, and it seems like the kindest, most humane thing to let it slide without adding to the pain by public acknowledgement (sort of like, on a smaller scale, it could be rude and hurtful to mention that someone smells or looks different physically).

So the empathy and humanity is there, but I might be mistaken in how this should be displayed.