Is it possible my partner is on the spectrum?

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My husband has no problem understanding sarcasm, and he seems to be able to read people's emotions well enough (he can tell if I am upset even if I don't tell him...although sometimes he misses subtle attitudes people have that I pick up on easily). He has good co-ordination and was an athlete when younger and also in the armed forces.

But what he does have is:

Picky eating. WILL NOT EAT veggies unless they are carrot, corn or peas. Will not eat a meal that does not have meat in it. Will not eat any other kind of bread other than white.

Temper tantrums. If something upsets him he displays what seems to be irrational behavior. He will scream, yell, bang his fists and head into a wall, swear, cry and then sit catatonic. This can be over something as simple as a sandwich not being buttered right.

Sensory issues: Can't deal with some textures or colours. Gets very upset if they are in his environment

Mess: His work area is ALWAYS in a mess, but he knows where everything is. God forbid I touch anything either, even when it takes over half the very small one bedroom apartment we live in with our son.

Interrupting: cannot handle being interrupted. He has been known to sit silent for two hours after being interrupted. I have ADHD (diagnosed) and so off my meds life can be hard.

Ingrained habits and routines: Has to watch TV while eating dinner. Gets upset if he can't. Has to sleep on a certain side of the bed. Gets upset if he can't. Has to cook, clean and tidy in a certain way. Gets upset if I don't follow this.

Very black and white views: He is understanding of many things, and gets things have nuances, But if someone disagrees with something he holds sacred, he cuts them off. If someone doesn't treat other people or himself with respect (and he defines respect) he cuts them off.

Very bright: he is very smart.

Obsessed with certain things: Like Ancient Rome. He's been obsessed with it for 10+ years. He will go without food, but will buy coins online. And kites. He loves kites. And trains. Anything mechanical really. Reads about, researches it. He is about to start his PhD in history just so he can write his thesis on an aspect of ancient warfare he is obsessed with.


Has family that show symptoms: His socially awkward but bright brother and him shared a room the night before our wedding. His brother freaked out at him at 2 in the morning for snoring and stormed off, ditching our wedding.

Freaks out at bad drivers: Like he has anxiety induced road rage EVERY SINGLE TIME WE DRIVE. Gets old very fast.

But then there are things like: He accuses me of not having empathy. This is because in the past when we argued, when he told me how he was feeling I said I understood but that I was also feeling hurt and still thought he was wrong. He flipped out because if I don't agree with him then I don't understand him and therefore I am incapable of empathizing.

I think he has a twisted view of empathy.


Now I don't want to paint him in a poor light. He has been amazing with me and my struggles with ADHD, he works very hard, is very attentive to our son, and takes care of him half the time. He also can be very sweet, rubbing my back, bringing me chocolate when I have had a hard day, helping me with my academics and talking me through my anxiety when I was dealing with that. He loves to be cuddled and touched, and really enjoys sex.


Is it possible he is on the spectrum? Or is he just kinda selfish in some areas?

Pssst... from one NT to another, let me point something out:

You didn't mean to, but basically what you did was list a bunch of aspie-like traits and then give your opinion that these are a "poor light" to be viewed in... so in other words, you're telling aspie folks that they have lousy characteristics. Also, be aware that saying, "Hmmmm... aspie or selfish...aspie or selfish...hmmmm" could be taken as rude.

You'll have an easier time with your husband (and probably on this website) if you view your husbands traits as different than your own, and as things that cause you distress. Being obsessed with something, having picky eating habits, or being sensitive to textures are not inherently "bad" things. It's just different than you.



Trust me, I get what you're trying to say, and I've been in similar situations. Be aware though, that you're passing judgement on his perception of empathy when the problem may simply be a misunderstanding between you to. This kind of argument in particular is very interesting to me, and the dynamic is something I've discussed with quite a few people. Would you be willing to be more specific? Can you give an example of what he was trying to get you to understand. There is a difference between whether you disagreed with him on a fact vs disagreed with him on an emotion. This can be a very key component.

And welcome to WP. I've met some very wonderful aspie folks here, and have learned so much!

It's certainly possible, but it's hard to tell from your description. Some things might be symptoms, or they might be perfectly normal, i.e. someone who was in the armed forces being interested in warfare to the point that they want to write a thesis about it doesn't necessarily mean he has an autism-like "special interest". It also depends on how much time that interest or those interests take up, and it seems that he doesn't neglect his other duties such as child care, so the interests don't seem to be (too) obsessive. You see where I'm going with this: maybe, maybe not. Many people on the spectrum say that they are able to empathize, just not to express their empathy properly - but problems with empathy can be due to other reasons as well. Enjoying sex also doesn't mean he can't be on the spectrum. We just don't know enough even to speculate.

I'm sorry I see what I did was very offensive!

erm, let me put it that his behavior if he is NT, does not make sense. if he is not NT it makes perfect sense.

Kinda like I have ADHD and if I was NT, me not putting lids on things would be lazy, since I'm not NT and I have real trouble remembering to put lids on things it is NOT lazy it is just ADHD.

Someone who is NT and who hates the colour orange and doesn't want it in their house is not being odd by saying so. They are being odd if they cry when they see orange in the house and it makes them go catatonic. However if they are not NT it makes sense.

An example might be:

I leave the door open (one of his pet peeves) (again!)

He gets upset and demands why I left the door open when I was on my meds

I tell him I'm sorry and that while I was on my meds, the meds don't make me perfect, and I was rushing to get my son who was crying.

He tells me I'm making excuses and I know that leaving the door open freaks him out.

I tell him I do know that and I'm very sorry, I just forget.

He goes on a long speech about how I don't know and how I'm always doing things like this and it freaks him out. Swearing and shouting is involved.

I cry and ask him what I'm supposed to do, I've left the door open and apologized. There is nothing else I can do to fix it I'm not a time traveller. I ask him to please calm down and to understand that I wasn't meaning to upset him, and that I will try harder.

He bangs his head on the wall in frustration and tells me I'm hurting him (like he grabs his head and acts like my questions are physically hurting him) that I'm me focused by wanting to fix it. If I has empathy I wouldn't do what I did.

I am utterly confused at this point and he usually leaves and goes and sits in a quiet space for two hours.


This happens about once a week.

I'm sorry I see what I did was very offensive!

erm, let me put it that his behavior if he is NT, does not make sense. if he is not NT it makes perfect sense.

Kinda like I have ADHD and if I was NT, me not putting lids on things would be lazy, since I'm not NT and I have real trouble remembering to put lids on things it is NOT lazy it is just ADHD.

Someone who is NT and who hates the colour orange and doesn't want it in their house is not being odd by saying so. They are being odd if they cry when they see orange in the house and it makes them go catatonic. However if they are not NT it makes sense.

An example might be:

I leave the door open (one of his pet peeves) (again!)

He gets upset and demands why I left the door open when I was on my meds

I tell him I'm sorry and that while I was on my meds, the meds don't make me perfect, and I was rushing to get my son who was crying.

He tells me I'm making excuses and I know that leaving the door open freaks him out.

I tell him I do know that and I'm very sorry, I just forget.

He goes on a long speech about how I don't know and how I'm always doing things like this and it freaks him out. Swearing and shouting is involved.

I cry and ask him what I'm supposed to do, I've left the door open and apologized. There is nothing else I can do to fix it I'm not a time traveller. I ask him to please calm down and to understand that I wasn't meaning to upset him, and that I will try harder.

He bangs his head on the wall in frustration and tells me I'm hurting him (like he grabs his head and acts like my questions are physically hurting him) that I'm me focused by wanting to fix it. If I has empathy I wouldn't do what I did.

I am utterly confused at this point and he usually leaves and goes and sits in a quiet space for two hours.


This happens about once a week.

Do you have a relationship where you say "I'm sorry" to your husband every other time he opens his mouth? Some relationship. I wouldn't last a week with this guy.

Is there a particular reason why he wants the door closed?

I think there are others here who would have better insight about aspergers or not, but I do have something to say about ADHD.

I have ADHD, my husband has ADHD, and my kids have ADHD. (It's a wild household... ha ha.)

ADHD can cause a LOT of arguments (as I'm sure you already know) and a LOT of misunderstandings and a lot of suspicion as to whether or not the person with ADHD really cares or not.

ADHD almost led to divorce in my house. Aspergers or not, your husband needs to handle the situation differently. You two might need counseling to help with that. But I also want to suggest that you are going to have to handle things differently, too.

Trust me that I KNOW how hard it is to stay on top of things with ADHD... but look, the door is a big deal and he needs it to be shut. I know with ADHD, routines are very helpful. If you get in the habit of something, it becomes automatic, and then it's easier to make sure it gets done. You can't focus on every single thing that he wants you to "fix" so you're going to have to pick one thing at a time. If the door is the biggest issue, then pick the door. And then you have to be VERY MINDFUL of that door. It has to be foremost in your mind. Yes, the door may even have to be more important than the crying child.

Now if the child was in immediate danger, then obviously he comes first. But otherwise, if he cries for a couple seconds more while you shut the door, he's going to be fine. I know it sounds ridiculous that a DOOR should take priority over a crying child, but it's not the door that's actually at stake here. It's your husband's trust that his feelings really do matter to you. Your husband's trust and your marriage are just as important as your crying son.

Explanations of why you did something sometimes have the reverse effect in terms of conveying empathy. Sometimes when you explain why something happened, it feels as if you're saying the person doesn't have a right to be upset. Ask yourself if during your arguments if you are telling him he shouldn't be upset.

In your original post, you said, "This is because in the past when we argued, when he told me how he was feeling I said I understood but that I was also feeling hurt and still thought he was wrong. "

You can't tell him he's wrong for being upset about the door. That's invalidating, and he's right, that's not empathy.

Also, keep in mind that instead of accepting that these things are really upsetting to him, you're looking for a pathology to explain it. I'm not autistic, but I can't stand what velvet feels like. I'm not crazy even though some people love the feel of velvet.

The door is a big deal. If you love him, it will be a big deal to you too. You can't use ADHD as an excuse... you can recognize that ADHD is going to make it harder to get in the habit of closing the door, and then you have to work really extra hard to make closing the door part of your routine.

Honestly, my knee-jerk reaction to this is that it sounds like you're both being unkind to each other and therapy would be very helpful. Also, keep in mind that your belief that his reaction is odd or abnormal is an example of you not empathizing with him. It could be Aspergers, but it also could be that he's just really stressed out about the frustrations of living with a person with ADHD. We can be a real pain in the ass