Controlling parent!

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I recently got diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome. Before then, my mum acted like I was normal. Now, she is over bearing and controlling.

I have never been someone who left the house much, and I have never made friends easily. While I was at university, I observed a whole week might go by without me leaving the house or seeing anyone else, as I live alone. We always went food shopping together, as I don't drive. But now I have this diagnosis, she obsesses that I don't go out on my own (I can go out on my own - I have no problem, I just don't like to go to new places or take different routes), and tells everyone she has to come over every day (which she doesn't) and makes fun of the fact that I want to join courses to meet people, but I find it too traumatic to go on my own, so I have asked her to go with me. I have also got help from the council in form of a woman who comes to my house once a week for 45 min. (At the moment this is really a waste of time, as all she does is walk around the block with me and my dog, which I can do on my own.) But my mum has said she should not let me make decisions without consulting her first. OBVIOUSLY, this upsets me, as I am not incapable of making decisions about my life. I've lived on my own since I was 19 and been fine. But all the time my mum keeps telling me I (physically) can't do things.

I feel really depressed over this, and I want to cut off from her because of it. I know this is not the way forward. I have tried talking to her, and telling her that I don't need her to agree to my decisions before I make them, because I am an adult, but she doesn't really hear what I am saying. What can I say/do?

My mom treated me the same, even though she denies even now I ever had a problem and I was never diagnosed.(My mother took me to a damn social security disability office to apply! But still says I never had autism.)

What did I do? I moved three thousand miles away from her.

I feel sad for you, because I know exactly what it is like. I'm 34 and my parents are still like it. They would say things like: You are an adult and you can do what you want. But as soon as I talk about things that I have done and want to do, then they will override me or invalidate me. I visit them as little as possible.

My parents will never understand that they have this mentality that they are owners of me. I ask nothing of them, because anything that I ask, they will hold it against me.

You could try to have the talk, I've tried it, but my mother ended up crying. I can't change them, I can only inform my partner of how they act.

Sorry to tell you, but it probably is. You have tried talking to her, and this hasn't helped at all. It is obvious that she won't be listening to you anytime soon so this, unfortunately, may be the only solution.

She obviously doesn't know anything about AS. It sounds to me as though she's completely ignored anything she's been told about it and heard only the word "disability". It's very odd that she considered you capable of doing things alone before, yet your diagnosis has apparently made you less capable of making independent decisions in her eyes. It is insulting, and downright stupid of her to do this to you.

Perhaps one day, she'll see the error of her ways, but until then - get the hell out of there.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UzJIrtw8WZE[/youtube]

sometimes it's hard not to hover. it's something mothers do.

what do you mean,
cut her off?
please do not do that.
my mother,
does not understand,
either.
tell her you can do it.
all of the physical things,
that you can do.
she should not tell you,
you cannot
do the things
which you can do.

NT people can be ableist against disabled people in their own families just like families can be racist toward people who are actually related to them. I've seen this in my own family. Me having a curfew of 8 pm at age 17, my sibling having no curfew. Not being "allowed" to speak up when siblings beat me up because "I might be confabulating". Stuff like that. Guess who moved out at the youngest age?

The best practice is to find validating experiences and places like here where we can gather and talk about our experiences in life. With people who get it.

My personal opinion is to get rid to aid and ppl who help you if they are no real help and to do the thing you can do on your own. Because so more helpsupport you have in your life the more help you get BUT also the more you have ppl who control you.
If you get help from a system, you have to deal with the system and then of course your mother is seeing this and thinks you can't get around by yourself, because why else you should need a council?
And if you don't need it, don't use the support and you'll soon have your freedom, then tell your mom you get along just fine. She propably wouldn't believe you first, but when she sees you are right, she wouldn't be controlling anymore.

You know, it's like getting a wheelchair and THEN get angry when others think you could need it...!

I feel for you. I hate those controlling parent types.

I bet your feeling !

Does your mother understand AS in adults? She seems to believe that it's much more of a disability than it is. Maybe you can help educate her. Perhaps she should read Look Me in the Eye or some other book about an adult with AS, and realize that people with AS can do lots of things - hold jobs, run a business, raise kids, be in relationships, etc. Show her a list of famous or accomplished people who have AS.

Also, have you tried writing a letter to her? Your post is so clear, I would imagine she would "get it" if she read something similar from you. You could point out some of the flaws in her thinking, like how being shy about meeting new people is not the same thing as being unable to make life decisions. If she is one of those people who doesn't listen very well in person, a letter could help.

(That being said, I also couldn't stand my overbearing mother and moved away from home at a very young age! But now we're friends. It took a little tough love on my part - "I'm not really interested in your advice here, mom. I'm doing this on my own. Thanks anyway." But it eventually defined our boundaries to where we get along fine now.)

She apparently didn't do this before, so it's not "something mothers do". It's something THIS mother does now that her offspring has been diagnosed, in total denial of everything she's been told.

To tell your adult child they shouldn't be making any decisions on how they live their life, especially when the adult child has done so for a good while...up to now...is NOT being a mother. It's being a smother.

You're excusing behaviour that is inexcuseable.

She is worried.
Her child just got dx with a disorder you find in the manual for mental disorders AND has even a council now. So the mom thinks there must be a reason for it and that's propably that her child is not really being able to make decissions for themself.

Personally if I would have a child who would get dx with something and suddenly has a stuff of healthcareproviders I would be worried too and naturally think that's because there is a NEED for that (in this case a council who is there to help with private life stuff).