Strategies for overcoming isolation and loneliness?

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I've been making quite an effort to "put myself out there" lately, but I haven't had much luck with forming connections. What seems to be happening is I will join a new social something-or-other and I'll do pretty well initially (for like 10 or 15 minutes). I can make pretty good eye contact and engage in some small talk. But overload seems to be setting in rather quickly and I just shut down. People's words turn to "blah blah blah's" and I just zone out. The second time around doesn't even start out good because I can't seem to remember anyone's names or faces. Being that I didn't hear half of whatever they said to me the first time, I don't even know what on earth to say to them. At that point I begin feeling really uncomfortable. I start noticing other connections forming around me and I feel as though I am an outsider. I usually become pretty discouraged at that point and it becomes very difficult to find the motivation to keep trying. Sometimes I'll force myself to attend a couple more times, but it always becomes so uncomfortable at some point that I quit.

I tried advocating for myself during my most recent effort. I figured that I had nothing to lose, so I actually TOLD people that I'm autistic and that I become overwhelmed in certain social situations. Honestly, it didn't seem to make a difference at all. I can only assume that I made people uncomfortable. They didn't seem to want to understand more, they just said something socially acceptable like "we're all on a spectrum!" and changed the subject.

Anyway, I just don't know what to do. I've tried a wide variety of different groups including church, bible study, an Asperger's meetup group (which was the most successful but no one in the group had anything in common so it fizzled out), autism support groups for parents (my son has classic autism), mothers groups and a special needs playgroup. Everything had pretty much the same outcome for me.

My special interest is psychology (autism in particular at the moment) by the way, so I did try joining special interest groups in the best way that I could.

I also tried inviting people to have coffee or have a play date. Every time they either made up an excuse or came once and then never spoke to me again. I actually had someone tell me that they were "busy doing their taxes that whole week" and then they disappeared. How stupid do they think I am? That's like telling me that they're washing their hair! I can't even get my neighbor to wave to me. People are obviously uncomfortable around me, which is just so frustrating because I really go out of my way to try to copy "normal" behavior. I'm doing the best that I can and it still isn't good enough.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

Thank you.

wow fck ....

and fck them ..... my advice as i do (I'm lucky I have a cute dog to walk) is 'be pleasant', and if they don't reciprocate then its their loss ...

I quote .... "I start noticing other connections forming around me and I feel as though I am an outsider".

yup know that one well.

my suggestion ... fck 'em ... all of them. get into things that interest you, i'm lucky, moderately talented.

my pet hate, small town or village life. move, re-invent.

98% of the popn are crud.

so many ppl are so full of themselves they just cannot handle anyone even a teensy bit out of the ordinary, as u fully realise.

and as for truth and integrity ...most folk wld never recognise it even if they fell over it.

Last edited by ablomov on 09 Oct 2013, 2:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

And that's when Bruce Banner turned into The Hulk, trashed the place and massacred every living soul present. Puny 'human spectrum'.

Crike, I despise that condescending attitude.


I haven't any suggestions, your problem is quite familiar, but I have yet to find any useful solution. I accepted my status as an outsider decades ago. The only people I have ever connected with are all outsiders, too. I can only tell you that you aren't missing much. By and large, normal people are useless.

Thanks...this might be a weird question, but where would I even find other outsiders? It was easy back in high school when people went to great lengths to define what kind of person they were by the way that they dressed, but as adults, everyone just looks the same to me.

to the OP: you said that you joined an AS group but that you "had nothing in common" with them- I beg to differ- you had one key thing in common- you were all on the spectrum! could you not have made common cause and each discussed what your last few weeks [before recent meetup] were like? that is what I do with my group, square pegs Olympia aspie meetup group- we each introduce ourselves and have a 5 minute recap of each of our last two weeks, our highs and lows for that period [IOW what bugged us and what made us happy]. the rest of us take notes during that time so as to not interrupt, then after we've all had our go-round, we ask each other about points that we just made, this usually gives us much grist for mutual conversation among the group.

Here in Seattle there are meetup groups for outsiders. One is called Square Pegs. They might be on hiatus, though. I never went to their meetings because I have AvPD, but from what I've read, it's a good way to meet people.

It was around your age that I accepted that I wasnt able to be the sort of social person you are trying to be, and that I was happier just being myself, even when that meant being alone.

People seem to like me for who I am, I sometimes get invited to friends parties, but they know I will always have an excuse not to go, I will only socialise in a way that runs alongside an activity so you can be doing the activity with the odd few words thrown in here and there.

I imagine maybe its more difficult for a Woman as being social is an important part of who you are, and unless you can become an Amelia Earhart to define yourself and give you something to talk about, I dont know what to suggest.

Us men can actually use our social awkwardness to become even more interesting by becoming eccentric or a Mans man in the manner of Steve McQueen who doesnt even have to open his mouth to give an air of cool, that he has bigger things on his mind than pointless chit/chat.
Doesn't stop the actual Loneliness though, but it can give you a feeling of acceptance for who you really are.

Just yesterday a girl at work informed me a bunch of the guys had been chatting about me, how I build my own Motorbikes from bits.

I think that the structure you are describing here would have made the group more successful. The other members agreed that they did not want the conversations to be structured, so the meetings ended up revolving around people taking turns monologing about their special interests, and inevitably boring the other members to tears (or even worse, offending them). I guess that's why having nothing (besides autism) in common was such a big deal in this case. I didn't really know what else to do because they all agreed that they wanted it to be this way.

There is more hope for my autism (parent) support group though. At least a third of the parents are on the spectrum, and it's even run by an autistic adult, but that group has structured topics. The only problem is that it only meets once per month, so social "progress" is slow. I have high hopes though.

at least you have that, and as always, wrong planet my group started out monthly then became biweekly after a year or so. maybe bring the subject up next meetup?

I think that it might actually be helpful for me to try what you said here. To socialize along side an activity. I didn't have nearly this much trouble when I was in college, and I suspect it's probably related to having the "activity" of class going on in the foreground. It took the pressure off because none of us were actually there TO socialize, and it wasn't required. I could opt out of socializing at any given moment and no one would think anything of it.

Thanks, yeah, I'll try to pick people's brains about it.

And yeah, I don't know what I would do without online socializing. I haven't been on Wrong Planet much lately, but maybe I'll spend some more time here

I feel your pain.

I am having similar problems. I have no family, no friends, no partner and spend most of my time sitting at home completely alone or logged onto the internet. I was starting to feel like the last human alive so I started going out to pursue my interests in the hopes of meeting a friend or two (can't deal with too many so I don't want to be too popular) along the way.

Thus far it has not worked out.

I have been out most days over the last few months pursuing my love of photography particularly when it comes to the ocean and coastal areas near to where I live (Norfolk uk). I have taken up hiking (still getting the gear I need for that so I have stopped with it for the time being as the weather has changed and I am going to need waterproof outerwear and some decent boots before I can proceed) and I have also joined a gym as I'd like to take up weight training (I am into health and fitness, would like to lose some weight but also build a little muscle as well).

I thought the gym would be the ideal place to meet someone but thus far, if people do talk to me, I can't hear over the noise of the machinery (anyone else have problems hearing people when there is a lot of background noise?).

My other interest is sharks...I love sharks. I want to learn all living and extinct species, index them and keep a record of species sighted in UK waters (I need to get hold a British Isles map first though). I also collect shark movies and have over 20 thus far (there are still more to collect). However, finding other people who are into sharks is proving difficult.

I do also like tapestry and cross stitching still but joining needlework groups in the past has still not resulted in my finding friendship.

I do talk to people, it just never seems to develop into anything but some conversation in passing.

Anyway, I shall keep persisting. If nothing else I get to do some fun activities and it gets me out of the house so I am not sat here moping by myself.

Last edited by bumble on 09 Oct 2013, 3:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You could try imagining yourself as being at a job interview. The people you are socializing with being the panel of interviewers.

Then, the focus of your evening is not connecting with people, but instead your challenge is to impress people in a shallow way.

You can privately assess your performance at the end of the evening to judge whether you "got the job" or not. It might give you enough social motivation to not zone out.

By the way, I have exactly the same problem as you and I feel very lonely and frustrated because of it, so I am in no way saying its easy to overcome. I've never tried the technique above before, it just occurred to me when reading this thread, so I don't know whether it will work or not

How many people do you talk to at these gatherings? If you're feeling overwhelmed, then maybe talk to only a few people so that you can remember them. When you're starting to feel drained, you can excuse yourself. I find I do better with many short interactions than a few longer ones, and definitely much better than with many long interactions.

I think that would be helpful. What should I do if too many people start approaching me though? I think I would be so afraid of coming off as rude or uninterested that I would just force myself to try to talk to them.

I am so alive, but have no way to live. It has been such for my entire life. This is something that I have just had to accept and live with. Most of my social interactions are either on this forum, or via amateur radio. I learned as a teenager that ham radio was a good outlet for me. It provides a limited social interaction, but it is also one that I can strictly control.