pain and fear

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Don't read this if you don't want to know how I feel.

1. My mother has been badmouthing me since I was a teenager. The worst thing she did was punish me for moving away from home by spreading rumours I was sleeping around. I never did. But people have a great deal of respect for her. She also said I was incompetent, suicidal, unreliable etc, none of which I have ever been. But nobody listens to me. Well I was always OK with it because I thought if I took a lot of s**t from her she would stay away from my sister. But now in recent years she has also been undermining my sister which has gotten my sister into a real pickle too. She is in an abusive marriage. This is the worst thing for me, I feel like there is an abyss opening in my head and it is going to tear me apart because I always believed if I couldn't do anyting else I could at least keep my mother away from my sister but I have failed to do even that.

My dad and my brothers are not abusive but they are very passive family-wise. Brats. My dad has a serious chronic illness which at its worst almost killed him three times in four years. Bizarrely he is still in denial about it. Therefore he resents me for being able to stand up to my mother and my sister's abusive husband when he isn't able to. So he won't either speak or listen to me. And I have zero strength left.

2. I have always lived on a shoestring budget but in recent weeks I have had to cut it in half so I am alwys hungry. In another week or two I won't have any food at all. Because of this abyss in my head I have lost all my survival skills and I cannot think of anything to do. I have no credibility because I come from a privileged background and I look it even though all my clothes are from second hand sales and all my furniture is handmedowns. I have nothing to sell.

3. I like being AS and I like other AS people but understand this, I have always thought my problems were mainly stress-related. Now it seems a lot of them are part of me and will never go away.

4. The only person I know of whom I trust is a guy I barely know but I know likes me a lot. We haven't had a lot of contact but it's been over six years so I know he takes me seriously. (Generally because men can tell you're vulnerable they try to take advantage or they avoid you.) I have told him some about my situation but I haven't told him the full extent of it. Now I feel like I want to tell him and I feel weirdly like I owe it to him to tell him but I don't know how to go about it. I've never even asked somebody for a pencil, how do I begin to tell someone I barely know I don't know how to survive unless he helps me. It's not his problem. But I can't think of anywhere else to turn.

I have to go now because I am in a public place and I am crying. I will try to come back in a few hours.

Oh! I am so sorry!! !

Do yo have a job or anything? You can go to public assistance for money...I think.

You have known this man for 6 years? When you say you barely know him is this your perception and perhaps he knows you more than you realize? You could ask his advise and see what he can offer you.

Your mom is too intolerable for you to ask your dad for financial aide? Is your mom so self -absorbed she would let her child feel the way you do right now? Going hungry etc is not ok and you should be able to be ask your family for help....can you ask your brothers?

Your sister probably picked the husband she has because she felt more comfortable with that relationship given how your mother is. Does your sister get hit by her husband or is he an emotional abuser primarily?

I am sorry.....

Oh and I am not sure where you live but Catholic Charities is VERY helpful and generous! Look up a catholic church in your area and ask them about Catholic Charities and explain your situation to them!

-Moe

Sorry about this people and thanks Moe for responding! I am going to tell someone because I figure since I have dumped this crap on the good people at WP I can at least do them the favour of also dumping it on someone else. No fear.

NO worries...sometimes it helps to have the anonymous benefits you get online to say what you really need to say and you can't really do that in person...unless you tell strangers and that always gets us funny looks

oh breeze!

Could it help any that you are not alone?

Live by your truths...even if you are the only one to know about them. Eventually, there are those who can not fail to notice and stand beside you-even abstractly.

No body ever went to jail for their crimes but eventually, the police stopped coming to my door at my abusers every slanderous whim. It took my studying in the many forms of abuse, as well as approaching those people who misunderstood, with a very quiet timid HEY!! Knowledge is a great power. Reading is a great validation tool.

Its a hard place to be when your parents bombard you with this kind of behavior, because we are taught to 'obey' the parents, and society backs that direction. What society does not clarify is the obeyance to BAD parents. Your mothers slander is 'technically' against the law. And it is also against good judgement-and probably a law-for her to abuse country resources against you in the pursuit of making others believe and act upon that slander. Your within your rights to sue her civilly.

We just assume, we should take the beatings, becasue that is societies cue. Well it's not. Society is talking to bad children of good parents-assuming that is always the case. Well it's not. Jesus said, if your brothers are against you-than walk away.



With hunger, there are food banks. The bump and grind... it WILL work itself out. Take care of your inner child (and your bills when you can!), but take care that you are whole and happy in yourself.

And please please please keep us posted!

Catholic Charities actually PROTECTED me from my mom.

Hey there, I'm really glad you reached out to wrongplanet.

You ARE going through a tough time and I think the most important thing is to focus on what you need right now.

The family stuff is tough and it's why you can't reach out to family, but it's not the same as having the right to find help in other places. Having come from a privileged background does not mean that someone should not seek help when they need it. (I know, I went through this in my 20s and 30s: having a privileged background, but being cut-off from family and having to make it on my own.)

Friends are people we can turn to in times of trouble. You should think more about this guy you've known for six years. It sounds like he could be a good guy and you might want to think about how little of your situation you could tell him about to guage his reponse. The key is to protect yourself by not fully disclosing everything at first--you don't want to be completely vulnerable until he makes it clear that he's going to help you in a way that is in your best self-interest (and not his self-interest). How to do this? Chunk everything you've laid out for us into separate categoriesfor yourself sort of like this: Family stuff, Budget Stuff, Food, Look more wealthy than I am.

Here's my two cents on what you've told us using these categories:

Family stuff: you don't have to tell all, most people when you are trying to find out how much you can trust them and reveal about yourself will be satisfied with your telling them "my family is out of the picture right now and we're out of touch" -- it's not necessary to go into any more detail. (And family being out of contact is not that uncommon either.)

Budget Stuff: First you need to review this as if it's someone else's problem. Is this a short-term shortage or is the budget going to get worse? The idea of pretending it's somebody else's problem really helps me out with my budget as I tend to freak out otherwise. The idea is that by pretending it's somebody else's budget, you can take a break from the anxiety to simply review what's happening and what's going to happen with your budget and what you need to get back into a better situation.

Food: You need to get food, this is your number 1 priority. With food you'll feel calmer and more able to focus on this problem. I think this is the one subject you could broach with your friend. If he's a good guy, he'll be like "hey let's get together for a meal" He might even be able to help you with some groceries--this is concrete and doable. If he's not a good guy, he's going to say/want to do stuff that is not in your self-interest. Good friends are good for a meal and either a small cash loan for food or some groceries.

Look more wealthy than I am: This one is going to drag you down and try not to let it. (I've had this feeling too, and for me it comes out of my self-doubt.) While it feels real, it does not alter your situation or disqualify you from finding and getting what you need. Your current situation is shared by a lot of people from all sorts of backgrounds. You don't need to apologize, you haven't let anyone, including yourself down. You don't owe anyone an explanation on that front.

I hope this makes sense. I had to depend on friends and other resources for the basics when I was a young adult and it also scared the heck out of me. However, asking for, finding the help you need is absolutely the way to go. (I used to tell myself that when I made it, it would be my turn to help out. It took me until I was in my late 30s/early 40s to make it to that point, but I've been able in the last few years to cook some needed meals, give creative gifts of clothes, make small loans, etc. for friends who've fallen on hard times.)

Sorry this is so long, but I hope some of this helps.

--keats

Breeze,

I really feel for you. My father and brothers did their best to protect me from my mom, but they wouldn't choose me over her and they allowed her abuse of them. The best thing I ever did was to move completely away from her. I know that seems like abandoning your sister, but as you are finding out, you cannot help her...she must help herself.

Yes, I think you should tell this man what is happening and right away. He may have the strength you currently lack to tell your mother to shut up and back off. Bullies do back off when confronted like that. Even if he doesn't, it does sound like he is interested in you and this may be your chance to make a new friend who can help.


By ALL means go to Catholic charities and throw yourself on their mercy. My mother-in-law used to work with St. Vincent de Paul charities where they paid utilities and other services. If they have a good priest, he can also stand up for you if you cannot do so. Tell them you need help. Ask them to refer you to a therapist because you NEED one. You are in a codependent situation with an abuser. So, is most of your family but you can't help them until you take care of you. You have got to break this cycle to get out of it and that is only going to happen by understanding your situation. Your mother's issues are her issues and unfortunately, because this started when you were young, you can't see how to break free. But, you can. I did it and so can you. You just have to learn about how she is doing this to you and ways to stop it. When you go to therapy, hold nothing back. Tell it all. The only way people can help you is to understand. If it helps, print off your post and take it in. Most places have free therapists. Get yourself to one as quickly as possible.


You do not have to be her prisoner any longer. She is trying to isolate you so she can continue to abuse you. That's why she is making up stories. Go to your friend and others. Do NOT tell your mother who these people are or what you are doing. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't tell anyone in your family. If she's like my mother, she will try to circumvent you by going to them and undermining you. When you do talk to your mother, do not talk about your life at all. Give her zero ammunition. You might even have to do that with your family for awhile (I did). If they ask how you are, always say, Fine. If they ask what's going on, say, Nothing. That's it. Say nothing else. You need to close down those outlets until you get control of this situation. You can deal with them again once you learn how to without losing yourself.

Please, do not give up. You can do this. You can have your own life and be happy.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I feel so much better reading all of your ideas and experiences and I am so grateful for your attention! Thank you!