So, starting to doubt my self-dx.

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What the title says. Put simply, the more I read up on AS, the more I realize it doesn't fit me. I'm good at reading peoples emotions and social cues; I was never literal minded; I'm not especially logical. I'm a good diplomat and pretty decent at talking to people provided they don't just think I'm high (I have a tendency of going on odd tangents and vauge ramblings... think how Gamze acted in the earlier panels of Homestuck). And not just the 'bad' part of aspergers I miss, either- I'm emotionally manipulative, lie all the time, can't focus on details to save my life ("Ehh, who the hell cares. No big deal."). So it's not like I'm an aspie who 'grew out' of the negative traits- I'm just plain ol' not an aspie.

I do have sensory issues, bad executive functioning, 'special interests', a certain problem understanding things like etiquette and social rules, and a decidedly odd view of the world, however, to the point I very nearly convinced myself I was on the spectrum (also I read a few blogs and a Donna Williams book, saw a couple of things that fit me, decided to pick up a few traits I didn't have before but thought would make sense with it (stimming, for example) and tried to ignore the ones I couldn't (which are listed above). I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm 'odd' enough that I'm almost definitley not neurotypical. But I don't think I'm autistic either; maybe ADHD with comorbid schizotypal?? That could work. Maybe. Idk man. I'm not a psychologist; I got a D in that A-Level and need to stop acting like I know everything about it.

'Course, problem is, I'm on a waiting list for an assessment. So I'm probably wasting both their time and my own. But I can't cancel it, because I already have a reputation for being flaky and unreliable and generally a little b*tch and if I miss any more appointments I'm pretty sure my doctors are just gonna give up on me.

Idk man. I just don't. I'm too weird to be 'normal' but not weird in the right way to fit any one definition. Its kinda a pain in the ass. Doesn't help that any new thing I find I end up using as my whole identity (which I think I was doing with the AS thing tbh).

This is a bit of a pointless post, just... thought y'all might like to know, or have something to say? Or not.

I also doubt my diagnosis sometimes, and I talked to my psychologist about it. She said that it is a spectrum, and you don't have to show all traits to be on the spectrum. It's more about if it's affecting your quality of life, which I suppose it is. ASDs are just a neat way of wrapping up all the symptoms a person COULD have.

IDK really. I'd have said it could still fit but lying and being emotionally manipulative threw me off. I mean I am pretty good at reading a lot of social clues although with me it's like NASA rocket launch type situation every time while I weigh in all the options to figure out which one fits (this all happens in a space of few seconds).

One could fit anything to anything given enough motivation, the real question is what is it that you hope to get out of the diagnosis, what do you need help with in your own, personal, multi-personality life?

The thing is you should continue with the diagnosis anyway. Some of this does sound ASD like, and probably you'd not get refered for that waiting list unless you showed some signs. If it turns out you don't have an ASD they'll help you anyway (ie refer you to therapy) so you have nothing to lose.

Last edited by savvyidentity on 12 Oct 2013, 9:47 am, edited 1 time in total.

Hello sanahasacat,

Selfdiagnosing is never a good idea, but I wish you good luck finding the right psychiatrist who can give you an answer. I know out of own experience how important that is.

Waiting list for an assessment? Can you ask to be moved up into a time slot that someone else abandoned?

Sometimes I can get in earlier if there is a cancellation, and I'm the first to claim it.

There are several disorders who go along very often with problems in the executive function:
especially: Autism, ADHD/ADD and also Borderline PD. But all three in different ways. That also explains many missdiagnosis between those three.

Not a true statement.

Well maybe, but I only meant the OP should check it out anyway. I'm also on a waiting list and have doubts, but they know what they're doing, and when I finally get to see someone it will clear it up one way or the other.

EDIT: It's probably a lot better to let them take some of the responsibility of finding out what's up too. No point putting the whole burden on yourself when there's help to be had.

I am not going to say you do or you don't. I will add to the above that one could be on the spectrum and have other issues. If it gets ruled out it is damm frustrating and depressing but you have to remember in research projects a lot of times things have to be ruled out in order to get to the truth.

The funny thing is, when I stop to think about it ADD/ADHD would actually be a better fit for me than a lot of other things, and also is a pretty accurate reflection of the stuff I actually struggle with (organization, forgetfulness, impulse control, actually doing the thing I said I was gonna instead of going from one pointless distraction to the next and somehow ending up on a train to Bodmin missing a shoe, my meeting at the job centre but a distant memory....) but when I asked about it I was told that there point blank isn't a diagnostic pathway for adults with ADHD once they leave education in my area, and basically referred for an Aspergers assessment as a 'next best thing'.

The waiting list for said assessment is, around these parts, around 11 months, which is a big part of the reason it makes me so uncomfortable that I might be making it harder for someone else to get seen who might have more legitimate reasons for it than I. Tbh, it feels less like I'm autistic and more that I'm playing at being so; I have very little innate self-identity, so I tend to absorb traits from those around me. Certainly, I read as far less spectrum-y as a child or young teenager than I do now as a grown-ass adult which makes me think I taught myself to be an aspie. Why I would do that is another question entirley and probably a tendancy that needs investigating in itself.



I know that, it mostly frustrates me because... Idk, I've been doing this for a long time, since I was 14 maybe, going back and forth from all types of therapists only to be told that they don't have the foggiest either, or that they know what it's definitiley not. Or that I have "a little of everything, but not enough for us to label it". I once had a psychologist look me dead in the eyes and tell me, "You're basically very strange. I'm not quite sure what to do with you." I'm an enigma, I get that, but honestly by this point I just want a straight answer, and the idea that I'm barking up the wrong tree again is just motherf*ckin' annoying, honestly. I'm tired of not knowing.

I have had similar problems and have been obsessed with it for decades. I have thought about saying "If you had to fill out legal papers, what would you put?".

Why do you say this?

Remember, it is possible to have more than one condition, I have never been officially diagnosed with an asd, by I have been diagnosed with ADHD and ocd. Those two never completely explained my sensory issues or social issues. I could either say I have ocd/ADHD with social anxiety and sensory issues, or just call it ASD. It's only convenience for me and my doctors. The symptoms are more important than the name of the disorder.

It's interesting that you would mention that you have a weak sense of identity and copy others behavior. I've read in several places that this is a characteristic of females with asperger's syndrome, and that their mimicking of neurotypical behavior is one of the reasons it is more difficult to diagnose them than it is to diagnose males.



It's possible that stress in your adult life is provoking, or preventing you from avoiding, the autistic behavior that may not have been so obvious when you were younger. Also, if this is your own observation, it's possible that you simply didn't notice your autistic behaviors as a child.

I am worried about you. Please read this to the end even if it contains bits you don't like.

1. You are self-absorbed. This is normal at age 18. It is the hormones that make you feel you are climbing the walls. You probably actually ARE going round in circles. This is normal. It will pass (but not quickly).
2. The search for identity is seldom complete at age 18. It is normal to be unsure of one's core identity. That is not the same as saying it is the same for everyone, but it is normal nonetheless.
3. I am a late-diagnosed aspie (i.e. in my 50s). In my teens and 20s I used to copy people who looked like they had a successful identity. It is normal to try things on for size. It is horribly embarrassing when caught doing it, but normal to try on personalities; it is even more particularly normal for a female aspie who is very sociable but lacks innate social instinct and recognises something isn't working for her. This by itself isn't diagnostic. You might be an aspie, you might not be.
4. The label is not what matters. What does matter is the same for everyone, aspie or not: to find a way of functioning decently while maintaining good mental health. This is where to keep your focus.
5. Self-doubt is normal. Self-hatred is not. You sound as though you are suffering some fairly severe depressive episodes and you need to watch that and get it diagnosed. If it is present, accept treatment NOW. If present and untreated, by continuing to hard-wire your brain along undesirable paths it could deprive you of happiness permanently.
6. You sound a lot like me at your age. You are ahead of the game because you recognise there is something wrong and you are on the path to figuring out what it is. Self-diagnosis is only helpful if it leads you in the right direction. If you are confused, you do need help of someone more qualified, so you are on the right track there (subject to note about professionals).

Note on professionals - there is a spectrum of personal competence that intersects the spectrum of areas of expertise. Make sure the person you are seeing knows their stuff - and by that, I mean has specific expertise in autism spectrum and analogous/lookalike syndromes. To be wilfully misdiagnosed by someone who 'doesn't believe in Asperger's' is worse than no help at all; trust me on this, I have been there.

Note on childhood traits - It is not for you to assess your early childhood traits. This is a job within the competence of your parents, possibly older siblings, and kindergarten/primary school teachers, who are best placed to have discerned unusual behaviours. You are too close to the action and that obscures your vision.

Most important point - Of all the topics touched on, #5 is the one that cannot wait. Fix the depression first. Then seek the deeper diagnosis if you feel it will help.

Did I mention you need to fix the depression????? URGENT.

Finally, if I may offer a piece of general life advice (again, based on my own experience): do stuff you love, whether that is reading, painting, fishing, singing, skiing or looking after babies. There is no surer way of finding your way into an identity that sits lightly on your shoulders, while pointing your considerable energies out into the world, where they belong and can do some good instead of messing with your brain. Good luck.