Attention deficit

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Hi,

I am having a problem in my marriage due to attention problems.

What happens is that when she is talking to me my attention diverts over to a project I am interested in. I am also listening to her at the same time, but most of my attention is on the other subject. This happens without my awareness, until she notices my attention wandering and says something about it. Of course, she sees this as evidence that I don't respect her, or don't love her, both of which aren't so.

So, I am sure this is not an isolated problem. What do others with this problem do to try to control this behavior? For me it happens without my awareness until it is too late, which is a major problem for me.

I turn away from the activity I am drawn to and try to just look in the general direction of the person talking to me.

Howdy.

The method I've been having some success with is called "mindfulness", and although it's had a long association with Buddhism, today corporations and even the U.S.Marines are making use of it.

Essentially you can learn to be more aware of the environment around you and within you, including your wife and your internal desires. And I've found we aspies can use it as well.

A short Google search will give you a much better answer than my clumsy attempt at explanation.

It works.

d

DUPLICATE..............SORRY

Thanks for your reply. I have been involved with Vipassana meditation and other techniques for about 13 years now. I understand mindfulness and try to use it.

If you remember the HBO biography about Temple Grandin, the scene where she is on the stairs and her mother is trying to get her to look at her, and her attention keeps being drawn away by the chandelier, that is similar to my problem. It is a compulsion to attend to something I am intensely interested in. I can repeat what my wife is saying, she knows I am listening, it is that my attention is being drawn away that is the problem. I am working on it, just wanted to know if others were having the same problem and what they are doing about it. Right now, my only answer is to put the things I am intensely interested in out of my reach while she is around.

maybe subconsciously, you are not as interested in her as you used to be. You lost that spark or whatever that thing is called when two people really like each other...

Or you're just getting tired of her.


Imagine the conscious and sub conscious being an iceberg. The conscious is the part this is above the water or the tip of the iceberg. The subconscious is the part thats underwater; the big part of the iceberg but is hard to see. Thats what conscious and subconscious is like.

Well thats all I got...

It is admirable that you try hard to pay more attention, but the whole point of the attention deficit disorder is, that your ability to do so is limited, regardless of all good intentions.

I think you should teach your wife something about attention deficit disorder, so she can understand what it is and that your limitations are very real (and that it has nothing to do with her).
Make sure she sees how hard you really try. If she has any sense, she will judge you on your effort and not on your result (on which you have limited influence due to your ADD).

If she refuses to acknowledge your difficulties, get an official diagnosis (if you don't have one already).

(I am very tired right now, so my foreign language module is offline - hope my point gets across anyway )


P.S. If all she talks about is gossip about remote acquaintances and redecorating your home, she asked for it

I have this very same problem, and often only notice I'm distracted when others point it out to me ("What's so interesting over there?", "Could you look in my general direction when I talk to you? Otherwise it feels like you're not listening", or, on the phone "are you at computer right now/ what are you doing right now? You seem distracted").

I'm afraid I don't really have a solution. I try to listen as well as I can, and I've explained to people close to me that sometimes, I just need to get something off my mind / out of focus before I can (try to) give them my undivided attention. The distractors can be as minor as an eyelash on their cheek (which on the upside at least mean I'll be looking at them ), as ordinary as a song I recognise in the background, or as annoying as needing to say something seemingly unrelated RIGHT NOW because otherwise the thought will keep jumping up and down on the forefront of my mind and block the way for all other in- or output. Honesty ("I'm sorry, X is distracting me like crazy"), followed by a suggestion how I might get rid of the distraction by dealing with it or removing it from reach is what's worked best generally, but some people get really upset or want to discuss why X is 'more important' (emphasis theirs) than what they were saying.
^

I'm guessing the trouble is distractability during 'serious' talks, though?

I am not sure if this will help but I care for someone who is severely autistic and I would never expect him to look at me while I am talking to him especially if he is playing with his lights. I know he loves me and cares about me and if I really need an answer I give him choice/contrast. For example I would say do you want to go to the dance? If he doesn't say anything I would say yes or no and he will answer. Based in this I think your wife's expectations of you are much too high. If she understands your limitations she will make exceptions for them not penalize you for them. It sounds like she is a little insecure in the relationship. If that is the case maybe you can show love to her in other ways that come more naturally to you and just try to discuss your limitations during a time where you're both calm and not emotionally charged up. A good book to read is called "Mesages" It gives specific examples of how to communicate with each other better especially in a marriage. Counseling might help too. All she probably needs is some love and affection.

When I was going to counseling with my husband the counselor had us list some of the things we could do for each other to show each other we cared. So maybe you could ask her if there are other ways you can show you ove her besides that. Another suggestion is that when you want to really talk about something important either go for a walk or a ride in the car that way the expectation to look at each other is not there. I read that in a book called "You just don't understand: Men and women in conversation" by Deborah Tannen. That might be a good book for your wife to read.

That was my initial thought too, but then again, you never know

i try to make sure there is nothing that is going to grab my attention around if it is a serious discussion. if it's just a casual conversation, i just try to turn my back to anything that may grab my attention like a current project. however, if there is something that sparkles or the light reflects a certain way... well i do my best. if my husband mentions it or i suddenly realize what i'm doing, i apologize and explain that my brain got away from me but i am interested in what he was saying. sometimes if the discussion creates a lot of strong emotion in me, i may check out by focusing on something else (without realizing it). that's an indication to both of us that i need to time to process whatever the emotion is before i can continue the discussion.

Sounds like me and mom.

My parents were the opposites in annoyingness.

Dad would be blunt, and to the point. But would interupt before you could make your points.

But with mom I was made to feel ashamed, and always had to struggle with my problem of "day dreaming too much" while she spoke to me about something important. When I was less than ten had to learn to 'wait to exhale' while my mom would tell me something tedious, or my mind would wander off to pirate adventures or TV cartoons or whatever- something interesting in my head- and would miss her long tedious message.

My dad was like a newspaper article- he would atleast start with the lead sentence and get to the point.

But I suspect your wife is like my Mom- the last thing out of her mouth is THE POINT, and not the first thing. So you have to sit through a long tedious story without any idea of why the person is taking up your time.

Mom's way of talking ( begining, middle, punchline at the end) is fine for entertainment (jokes, and anectdotes). But for something serious it sucks.

So as a child I adapted to moms style without complaint .

But decades later I rebeled. People in the work world dont tolerate people who dont get to the point-so I stopped tolerating it from mom.

If your wife is like my mom you might want to train her to "start with the point. Dont END with the point, please."