I have to work like a dog pretending to be NT

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It's agonizing... it is totally exhausting but I guess it's worth it as I've improved a TON since my late teens at appearing fairly normal to most people (unless you get me on an off day).

It's been quite a journey getting here but I think at almost 24 years old I'm now able to blend in much better socially and have learned how to not appear "mildly autistic" these days.

Does anyone else feel the same?

Yep, I'm very much the same way...I'm sure a good portion of people on this forum are.

Trouble is I can do it so well that I often end up deeper than my abilities can cope with.

I want to be able to pass as NT. No matter the cost. It's gonna be hard but if there's one life to live, I don't want to live it like this. I want to be able to have the normal, white picket fence, nice car, and nice marriage and life like everyone else. No matter what. It's like 50 Cent said get rich or die trying.

I have tried but have not had any success.

The result is I am completely socially isolated.

I try to make friends and fit in but people seem to either bully me or ignore me. Ie the other day I was stood at a bus stop when other people started to arrive. At first they were asking each other and other people stood at the bus stop about bus times. I tried to help where I could and informed them when the next bus was. I also tried to make a little chit chat as one chap was rattling on about being on holiday and visiting the area so I recommended other nice places to visit.

However after that the people kind of split into groups with a group of gentleman chatting amongst themselves and a group of females chitty chatting with each other (they were all strangers to each other as far as I could ascertain) and I kind of got left out...no one chitty chatted to me. I may as well have been invisible.

I try, a lot, but it does not work. Society will not accept me. The only people who will tend to be drug addicts or alcoholics which makes me uncomfortable. 1 I am never sure if their behaviour is going to be unpredictable (and I find people confusing enough as it is) and 2 I do not like chemicals much as they make me feel unwell and these people keep trying to encourage to have a drink etc. I do not wish to drink. It gives me migraines and I do not like it. Thank you.

How do you do it because I have been unable to master this skill despite years and years of trying. Actually the more I try the weirder people seem to think I am, I just can't carry it off.

I don't even fit in in mental health support groups as my depression manifests differently to theirs (ie they go straight to value judgements and giving each other hugs and positive thinking when they are upset whereas I want to find a practical solution so that I can solve the problem. If the problem is solved then I have no need to be upset about it...! !! !! I fail to see how someone giving me a hug helps? Can someone explain their logic to me? I don't find it comforting, it is annoying, I want a solution to the problem not a cuddle....a hug does nothing for me in that context and I'd rather they didn't hug me at such times thank you very much.)

I am stuck and suffering horrible upset and insomnia tonight as I do not know how to find a friend even though I have been out every day for the last few months chitty chatting with people (in short bursts, but I am trying). It is not working. I cannot find a partner (except for chaotic people...I don't like chaos) and I cannot find a friend and all people do when I ask for help online is keep trying to cyber hug me.

How do i get them to understand I need practical solutions please? And no just going out and talking to people is not working. I must still be doing something wrong but I do not know what please?

I agree, life is honestly not worth living in isolation because of this disorder. A lot of us do desperately crave normalcy at all costs, I feel like I literally had to sell my soul to get to this point with all the hard work I've done to get where I can pass as just any other person.

It will be hard, but if you keep working hard enough like you've done already you will build skills to help you better mask the most crippling aspects off the disorder. Keep trying, you deserve a better life than what Autism/Asperger's leads most people to... complete isolation/poverty/depression/suicide (in some cases).

Thank you so much for writing this

Its a shame Iam not 25 years younger because if thats you in your profile picture, I would travel up to Norfolk to be your friend.

As for how I managed it, cannot say for sure.
I was always friendly a smiley when young, probably as a result of physical abuse by my Step-father, so a self-defense mechanism.
I did go through a sullen period in my 20s but realise I actually like being nice to people and people respond happily to a warm and friendly face, so have gone back to it, even though I dont allways feel like it.
Perhaps for similar reasons, and being quite clever, I was the class clown at school.

I was a Minister for a number of years, and I had a job that involved interacting with the public, I cannot do social talking, but can talk about a subject matter with an air of great authority, doing this has helped give me confidence.

Later in life I was put on SSRi's for depression, they did nothing for my depression, but they reduced anxiety to the stage they made me feel almost drunk, so fearless that I would chat to anybody about anything, whilst it probably revealed to people I was a bit mad, it did teach me how easy it is to engage with people, that has stayed even when I came off the SSRi's.

I have also excepted who Iam and take pride in being somewhat different.

What holds me back now though is the way I run out of steam quite quickly, so I have the initial charm and confidence to seem quite engaging and interesting, but then dont know what Iam supposed to do next and I see people get disappointed and embarrassed as they realise they made a mistake with me.
So I try to engage people in a way that I can be in and out like a flash, making people feel good about themselves and bringing a smile to their face, then be gone before I become an embarrassment.

This probably isnt something you could do with perfect strangers, I work at a place with many hundreds of busy people, I also interact with sometimes hundreds of visitors briefly, so its suits me and I enjoy myself as long as I don't become so interesting that folk want to carry on interacting with me longer than Iam able to.

I swear, we must be related or something That's exactly my experience. Can be quite sad because everyone holds you to the level of normalcy on the grounds that you look that way.

Not really. I just pretend to be happier than I actually am and people except me. When I was studying in TAFE, I was chatting to one of the letcherers after class and he casually mentioned that in a previous job he worked with aspies. He then proceded to explain to me what aspergers syndrome is. I didn't say anything because I thought it was so amusing that one who's worked with aspies in the past couldn't work out I was one

On the occasions when when I say something eccentric my friends seem to like it. At least they don't think I'm boring. I like being around other people and I think I'm okay in most social situations. The exceptions being parties and dating. I don't have to work like a dog to appear normal but I will have to work like a dog to have a normal lifestyle. Descent job, marriage, etc.

BTW, don't envy me just because I don't have the social anxiety of some WP members. My career is a joke, I've had the same crappy job for the last four years and I'm terrible at dating because I only started at 25.

Do you identify?

That is me in my picture. I had just gotten back from the hairdressers with a new hair cut.

I have tried using humour and sometimes people find me funny but the problem is that they then seem to attach themselves to me and want to chit chat a lot. Unfortunately I run out of energy and cannot keep up with them. I don't mind chitty chatting for brief periods but I tire when I am expected to do so for hours at a time. Then I disappear off alone somewhere to try and recharge and the next thing I know I am getting messages from people either by text, phone or in person, asking me if I am ok, or if there is something wrong, or if I still like them, or if they have done something wrong.....

Im fine, no there is nothing wrong, yes i still like them and no they have not done anything....

After a while I go so fed up with text messages along those lines that I got rid of my mobile phone. I no longer have one. Well I own a handset it just has no credit on the sim and no internet access. A similar things happens with the internet. I log off for a few hours to go do something on my own for a bit and log back on to a mass of emails asking why I've not replied to their last message.

I now hate my computer and am considering having my internet connection cut off as people expect me to spend hours making chitty chat on it and if I put them on skype then they keep making unexpected video calls to me without checking I am ok with it. I don't like people just dropping by unannounced in the real world and the same applies to video calls on skype.

All in all I find socialising too stressful for a number of reasons including those above. This is what I refer to when I say social anxiety to people...all the stress when it comes to dealing with people and the sheer exhaustion that results but people, including my drs, think I mean embarrassment or similar. Either that or they just think I am depressed and believe that if they give me antidepressants it will make a difference. They never did work for me and I will no longer take them (too many side effects, I am too sensitive to them).

Anyway the result is that i often have to pull back from social interactions due to the energy it takes out of me.

I do. I've read a fair few of your posts and I reckon we would get along well. I don't think people who think in this way are able to find each other very easily, unfortunately. Or to realise they have found each other.

Sounds to me like you are just as able as me after all to get people to like you, but have exactly the same problem as a few of us here in that its hard work for you to maintain and so must go away to recharge yourself.
People obviously like you to want to keep pestering you for your attention.
When I was young there was none of this annoying technology, I didnt even have a land phone until I was 29, now people know Iam not into texting, dont have a Facebook account, dont like people just dropping in my house, they are happy to know me on my terms.
So I wouldnt cut yourself off completely as it sounds like you desperately want friendship, if you isolate yourself more from the world, you will be even more lonely.

Just be yourself, be happy and confidant with the amount and ability of socialisation you are happy with, take on the air of a Mysterious Woman, people will find you interesting and learn the level of your accessibility.

Unfortunately they don't like me for very long and stress of dealing with all the social expectations tends to cause me to meltdown so eventually they all go away anyway lol.