Not Empathetic

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First I would suggest that I'm very empathetic. Somewhere I read a quote from someone suggesting people with Asperger's have a "6th sense" for emotion. If there were anything about myself I couldn't find the words to explain that would be it. I'm not psychic but I get vibes from people and don't tell me it's from body language. If this were from the same kind of body language people off the spectrum get then why are they so oblivious to people's emotions?

The point is my husband is a Psych. major. He spent some time reading a book that seemed to him to suggest that people with Asperger's lack empathy. Perhaps my reaction to those emotions seems to lack empathy? I am always painfully aware of every motion I make but when someone cries or gets upset I don't know what to do. My instinct is to reject those emotions. If my husband gets teary eyed I tell him to "stop crying." I don't know the appropriate way to react to crying. I know I should hug him but he would touch me and I would be flinching the whole time. I do that sometimes and he'll hug me and not let go. It's uncomfortable.

That doesn't mean I lack empathy or even that I don't understand the difference between empathy and pity. They are two distinct ideas in my mind. Pity is where you feel sorry for someone. Empathy is more like understanding that they are dealing with something profound and painfully emotional. We've all been to places like that. To have empathy means you know damn well that you don't "know exactly what they are going through," but you know it's awful and are willing to show mercy because you wish someone had shown you mercy. Pity is what people have who've never really gone through much tragedy.

The point is I know the difference. I didn't always know the difference but then, no one did! Most of us start off young and entitled. I think we grow into kindness. You can do this with any level of ability.

So, why would this book suggest that I lack empathy? Is it because I react harshly to emotions that make me uncomfortable (because I have no formula for how to act appropriately with them, like crying)? Should I be insulted because I am a little, especially since my hubby now thinks I don't understand empathy and have never felt it.

Do you guys agree with me or do I have it all wrong? If I'm right on this one how do I explain this to my husband how that book got it wrong?

Try to think of empathy as two parts. The feeling of hurt when someone else is hurt and the communication of that feeling. It seems to me that folks on the spectrum often struggle with the latter part.

In relationships, I as an NT, expect my partner to overcome difficulties when I need support. So, yes it may be harder for you to deal with crying, but from my perspective I needed my partner to suck it up and support me when I was feeling really, really low. He didn't. Instead, I think he felt bad that he couldn't or my crying distressed him and he dealt with it using actions that I felt were really cruel. His behaviour made him seem less than empathetic. Maybe he felt for me on the inside, but he sure didn't show it. This made me feel even worse than I had before.

Let me give an example of a difficult empathic response. A friend of mine was crying at a party on Saturday. She had engaged in some bad behaviour and someone called her out on it. She was really upset. Did she deserve to be called out on the bad behaviour - yes, probably - her behaviour is having a bad impact on other people in our team, but it was done in a cruel and drunkenly clumsy way. She is hurting a lot of people's feelings.

I had conflicting emotions. I'm angry at her for her behaviour. I didn't want to leave the party, I was having a great time. Also my teammates crying does make me uncomfortable. But she is my friend. I hurt for her and wanted her to feel better. I and another teammate comforted her as best I could. In our case, because we play rugby crying is not seen as the done thing so we tried to get her to stop crying - it's embarrassing for her as well as for us. But we didn't say "Stop Crying" - we said "C'mon, dry those tears" and used tactics like breath control to help her stop crying. So even though behaving empathetically wasn't something that I really wanted to do and was something that made me really uncomfortable, it was something I felt compelled to do.

You may find this wikipedia article helpful - as it may sum up what your husband has read:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Empathy#At ... c_response

There is also the possibility that what you feel as empathy is not in fact the same as what NTs feel as empathy. So although empathy seems like the best possible word to use, NTs and ASD may not in fact be feeling quite the same emotion. Who knows? But the important thing is that your husband understand why you have difficulty expressing empathy and that you understand why he finds your actions hurtful. It may help to practice saying a phrase like "I hurt for you. I wish I could make you feel better, but I don't think I can."

Good luck.

Having trouble showing empathy so others feel it is not the same as not feeling it in the first place. That gets a lot of NTs confused.

I sometimes feel awkward if somebody is crying. I didn't know that is lacking empathy. I can even tell if somebody has been crying but isn't any more, but is still sad or upset, by noticing their facial expressions or body language.

If it's a close relative or a close friend, my first instinct reaction is to cuddle them, or to want to. I experience women expressing strong emotions more than men, but when my dad's dad was seriously ill, I saw my dad crying for the first time in my life. I did go up to him and want to cuddle him, but he seemed very unresponsive and I could tell he preferred to be left alone, so I left the room.

It a work colleague is crying, I feel more awkward. I would comfort them if I was in the room alone with them, but if there's a few people around them I get a little shy, but still feel concerned, and I usually ask them later if they are all right.

But not all NTs react like that though, to someone who is crying. I've found that empathy depends more on the type of individual. So some people have more empathy than others.

Hi elkclan.

I think the empathy a person can offer others is related to their upbringing and the amount of empathy they received growing up. In "my day" the polite thing for people to do was to just ignore you, as you were taught not to point or whisper about (etc.) people less fortunate than you. This was the rule with family as well as amongst strangers.

They say, when it comes to raising kids, that the opposite of Love is not Hatred but Indifference, and I truly believe this. By being ignored you never learn what empathy is. I've observed this myself when in a situation which I "know" calls for empathy but find I don't have any "natural" empathy arising, so I've learned to "fake it" using all the correct words (and I hope correct tone of voice). It makes me feel "weird" but I know this is the correct and compassionate action to comfort an NT (at least the best I can) and sometimes it works.

This lack of natural empathy at a time when empathy is obviously called for is also very draining. It's as though you saw someone dangling from a window and you're unable to do anything but watch them fall to their deaths, AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT! This should give you an idea of how your husband feels internally; at the time empathy is most required is the time internal turmoil makes it even more impossible.

Perhaps tell your partner that, at times like these, just a nice hug will help get you jump started. And let it grow/build from there.

I'm sure you'll work it out.

d

den

I have been told I lack empathy. If I have experience something or I know someone else who has told me of their experience then I can 'fake' the empathy and say the appropriate thing. People crying (even my children) tends to stress me and I will order them to stop it. The best way I can describe it is that their emotions affect me (the 6th sense part) it also works the other way and when I have friends who are extremely happy it makes me happy. I was once friends with someone who was bipolar. I found it extremely draining. When she was happy we had the best of times, when she was sad I found it extremely hard to deal with and me telling her to pick herself up and get on with it didn't go down well. At the time I didn't know she was bipolar, when she told me it made sense as being around her would make me feel depressed and generally I am a happy person.
It's been a confusing thing for me to explain to people, that on the one hand I can't usually tell if I have upset someone or they are mad with me, but I can feel when someone is sad because it makes me feel sad.

Well you are a female. Females on average are more empathetic than guys are in general.

Also, many females on the spectrum don't appear to have any empathy deficits.


Low empathy levels affect autistic guys more than it does women.

What about a person who does or says things with good intentions, but ends up hurting the other person, and can't understand why. A person who thinks because they have good intentions, no one should respond negatively.