I admit I was close to it. I am having a rough time. Petrified that the tests next week will not show an improvement with the chemo. A good friend of mine was put on life support. lJ has been having more problems with his neurological pain, didn't have enough money in my account for health insurance [thank god for overdraft protection] but, on the bright side, I was near sliding into a position of autistic supremacy, but, thanks to the meanest, nastiest, most vile person I have ever had the displeasure of meeting, that is no longer an issue.
IWhen seeking a bit of emotional support from a new member of my GRASP group, I was treated more cruelly and "less than" by an Autistic I had just met , than i have ever been treated by any NT I hadn't known well. I guess my emotional pain was disgusting .
Now, he does not exhibit emotions because that is" weakness, chaos and lack of focus". I am totally illogical and SELFISH because I am putting this mini-retreat together when there is a chance this cancer might take me out before the retreat takes place [ which is one reason I am working so hard to find sponsors and will not take a penny from anyone planning to attend until they actually arrive for the retreat] I am also selfish because the chemo seriously lowers my intelligence and how selfish and convulated in my thinking I must be to think that any high functioning autistics would wish to spend time with me.
He is disgusted by the kind of Autistic who has not used their mental abilities[ he is an incredible writer and has had his own succesful television show for 22 years] to overcome any executive dysfunction, sensory dysfunction, social inabilities or use the excuse of autism not to be in superb shape[ he's a body building champion] Oh, and why have I not healed myself.
I had been getting to a place where I was putting all autists on a ridiculously high pedestal. This guy, though, just diagnosed at the start of the year at 50 years old, could give my family a run for the money as far as meanness goes.
I know that I am rambling and giving no details of the confrontation, but I am too upset.
I'm really scared, guys. My youngest son and husband are not nearly close to ready for me to be gone. I'm scared and not doing so great with that this week. I would appreciate any words of encouragement and PLEASE, no slams.