Communication Question

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Hi There I have a few questions either an NT or Aspie can answer. Please bear with me as I do not know much about Aspergets but would like to learn more.

1) If those with Asperger's have difficulty socializing what are some things I can do to make someone with Aspergers to feel more comfortable when communicating? To let them know you like them and want to get to know them better.

2) Do those with Aspergers have difficulty discussing personal issues and if so why?

3) Why would someone with Aspergers become upset if someone initiated a friendship with them or offered support during a difficult time or invited them out some place as a way of forming a friendship?

Just talk to them like you would any other person. If you ignore them they won't know that you want to be friends.

Most people don't like talking about personal issues with people they don't know well.

If you want to be friends with someone it is a good idea ask them to spend time with you.

Don't ask me to meet your friends and/or family. Accept my convoluted speech and long silences. Don't interrupt when I leave long pauses. Don't try to fix me.


Trust issues.


Trust issues.


Accepting, non judgemental support is cool. Trying to cheer me up isn't.


Depends where. See 1)

So should I just give up on this person?

How can you tell if someone with Aspergers likes you or not? This person is always very nice and sometimes copies things I do. At first that bothered me bc I thought they were making fun and I couldnt read them. I feel a connection but I dont think they feel connected to me orherwise why wouldnt they want to be my friend? And not only that but get upset at me for even suggesting it. I suggested a museum bc that is one of their special interests but said we could do anything.

I am NT so please forgive me for having difficulty understanding. I really do want to learn. It's just that it is not uncommon for me to meet someone and after a short time (even the first time of meeting) just saying "we should get together sometime" and making plans on the spot exchanging numbers or emails etc. And it's no big deal.

They basically said its not you I just need my privacy so please don't ask me to form a relationship that is just not possible for me. They never said anything about Aspergers but based on so many other factors that's the only way I can understand it.

My post was entirely subjective - you can't generalise from it.


That might be a bit of a clue.

Maybe back right off and approach again from a greater distance?

If still nothing, I'd walk away - not a deal of point keeping knocking at a closed door.

Thanks so much for your help.

it took me forever to learn to put up boundaries and say "you know what I can't be your friend because it will overwhelm me." sometimes you can gently push past this barrier by just being neutral and not expecting anything in return. The people I end up being able to talk to are people who quietly listen and observe and don't return my statements with strong opinions or judgement. As far as being invited out places... noooooo. it takes extreme nagging and convincing to get most aspies to go out in the public outside of their comfort zone. familiar/safe settings are always preferred. Having someone there, but not prying or demanding a conversation is comforting. I mean We aren't all the same Not even close but this is just my perspective.

I can't speak for other Aspies of course. For me personally if anyone want to be a friend with me, all they need to do is accept me the way I am.

1) If those with Asperger's have difficulty socializing what are some things I can do to make someone with Aspergers to feel more comfortable when communicating? To let them know you like them and want to get to know them better.

All you need to do is tell them that "you like them and want to get to know them better". Be direct as we have trouble reading between the lines. And try to spend some one on one time with them. A big party or crowded bar is not a good place to meet.

2) Do those with Aspergers have difficulty discussing personal issues and if so why?

I myself don't mind talking about personal stuff, but lots of people do. I don't think this is an aspie issue only.

3) Why would someone with Aspergers become upset if someone initiated a friendship with them or offered support during a difficult time or invited them out some place as a way of forming a friendship?

I seriously doubt they're upset, maybe feeling a bit awkward or uncomfortable. They might be be very inexperienced in socializing and lack confidence and worry it'll go badly. Anxiety is common in aspies. Try to make your outings or invitations as casual as possible, say have a coffee together, walk in a park, study and do homework together (if you're in school), and ensure that they can easily leave or do something else with you if they feel uncomfortable. I doubt many would refuse perfectly friendly, relaxed, and easy outings. One way of befriending even a very very shy person is writing, use instant messengers to talk to each other. That might help you warm up to each other before any outings.

No, because you are intrigued.

I mean think about it, can you in your wildest imagination ever think of yourself saying "I just need my privacy so please don't ask me to form a relationship that is just not possible for me."

How could you ever relate to someone like that What could ever make someone say that

By the way, do you like puzzles

Anyway, I have no real advice except maybe to read this forum and open your eyes to the reality of what would make someone say what they said to you.

Whatever happens, don't give up on aspies because in some small way, maybe you can find a way to relate to someone who neurologically isn't wired to process experiences in exactly the same way you and I are. And if you can, you will recognize that you've known aspies all along only that you just didn't realize it. That's what I believe anyway

List of Asperger traits
http://www.help4aspergers.com/pb/wp_4a3 ... 112c8.html

Female Asperger traits
http://www.help4aspergers.com/pb/wp_a58 ... 83e339.JPG

If a person has a lot of these traits he or she might might be an "Aspie"

Since you said you are "NT" I would go back and change your status to "neurotypical" from "Not Sure if I have it". Unless you are really not sure or when you look at those traits you see yourself.

This made me laugh!! !! I was intrigued long before that statement!! ! And yes I love puzzles! And sometimes I overanalyze situations. I think I came off way too strong in the beginning. I do that sometimes if I really like someone. Initially I didn't think she liked me. We did get to know each other mostly via email but when we would see each other in person I couldn't feel a connection and I couldn't understand why. In one breath she is by far the nicest person I have ever met.....could be a saint honestly but then by the same token she can be direct and not get my jokes (I am sarcastic) and just a whole hoist of other things. Then it came to me that she might have Asperger's. She never shared that with me, but I think in her own round about way she is trying to let me know. My hunch is that she is just coming to terms with all of this herself and just trying to protect herself which I understand.

I have worked with autistic kids my whole life. I am care taker for someone who is severely autistic. I started watching him when he was a baby and now he is on his 30's. For this reason I am very familiar with autism and very comfortable with it. It also runs in my family.

Thanks for your advice! I just want to somehow let her know that Autism doesn't scare me and that I will accept her for who she is, but I can't do that because she never shared whether she has it or not. I have mentioned I take care of someone who is autistic and that it runs in my family but would that make her feel more comfortable around me? I don't know. How do I leave the door open for her?

btw: I do need to change my status. Thank you. Not sure what happened there.

Last edited by Therese04 on 25 Oct 2013, 12:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Hmmmmm.......I feel like I can relate to her so that's not the issue but yes....why would someone say that? I guess I just asked the question because I am wondering if she really truly means that or is just afraid of forming a friendship because of past hurt and rejection.

Yes you are right about knowing Aspies our whole life....I think my brother was an Aspie but he passed away 6 years ago so one will never know for sure.



Yes. She did mention something about boundaries. It is no uncommon for me to meet someone once and just start a friendship. She does go out to lunch with people who are famous people in our professional field so there is a part of me that wonders that since I don't have anything to offer her maybe she doesn't think I am not good enough.

It is just all around disappointing and hurtful for me although I am trying to understand. Sometimes it is hard because I don't reject anyone and yet the only ones who seem to reject me are people who have been rejected. Why is that? I would expect the opposite.

perhaps she only tolerates hanging out with famous people in order to get a leg up. sometimes aspies feel more connected with people in positions above them. they often befriend their superiors before they befriend their peers. not sure in your case though

Thanks for your post. I really appreciate it. Well......I think that may be true with others but she is more famous in the field than them. They all flock to her not te other way around. Plus she is a beautiful woman and a very gifted speaker and flamboyant which most people seem to gravitate towards. I felt that until I met with her one in one and I sensed she was nervous and struggles to connect. BUT I am also ADHD and very in tune with people's emotions. Most people wouldn't even notice.

I am thinking part if it is due to the fact that this is part of her job and probably only require minimal effort on her let bc she goes into what I always calle "presention mode" even before I suspected Aspergers. During interviews she jut says the same stuff she ways says. But I love her and think she is amazing.

Had I known before inviting her out I would have made it more casual and work related but it's too late now. I personalized it so I think that is what did me in.