Is there anyone like me out there?

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I'm not really sure if it's a good idea to write this post and I'm not quite sure exactly what kind of response I'm looking for. This is probably going to be a very long post so I don't even know if people will read it but I guess I just need to vent a little bit. I'm worried that what I'll write might come across as quite arrogant but please know that I'm not trying to be arrogant. I'm just trying to explain what I feel. I've never been good at communicating thoughts and feelings (which is something people still complain about from time to time) but I thought I'd give it a go (I'm better at communicating in writing though).

I'm starting to wonder if anyone will ever understand the way I think and the way I function. I wonder if anyone will ever understand me. I'm also starting to wonder whether the fact that I feel like no one understands me and that I function differently than other people is some kind of delusion. Perhaps I'm just like other people only I think I'm not.

I'm an introvert and a thinker and I can't really get out of my head. My head is constantly filled with thoughts. Nowadays a lot of those thoughts are thoughts of depression and anxiety but they're also about things I enjoy thinking about; the universe, stars, how my brain and the rest of the body works, whether or not we all perceive colours and sounds the same way, numbers, chemical elements etc. I've been thinking about things like this for as long as I can remember and I've had this huge "thirst" for knowledge my whole life. Honestly.

I was probably a pretty bright child. I started talking when I was 6 months old, knew the alphabet when I was 2 years, could read when I was 3.5 years old and by the time I was 2 you could talk to me as if you were talking to a child much older than me. I was a very quick learner and I loved learning things (still do). I was very curious, observant, introverted, introspective, sensitive, withdrawn, cautious, perfectionistic, musical, honest, rule-following and I asked a lot of questions. I didn't really like spending time with people my own age when I was younger (especially after the age of 10 or so) and I used to stay behind in class and talk to the teachers about science, religion and existential questions. I remember I was very frustrated about not growing up quicker. I just wanted to talk to and socialise with adults since I thought people my age were boring, immature and shallow.

I loved maths too. I remember how I used to bring my math books home and do math even though I was done with homework a long time ago. I did it for fun and because I loved numbers. That wasn't really something which made me popular. I felt left out. Ever since the age of 10 I knew that I was different (unless that was some sort of delusion). I never fit in with the others. I tried really hard to fit in when I was around 13 years old. I tried to like the things girls my age liked and I tried laughing when the girls in my class laughed etc. It didn't work that well. After a while I got bullied instead.

Ever since I figured out I was different (though I didn't know why I felt that way) I've felt like people don't understand me. All of the characteristics I mentioned earlier are characteristics I still possess. I value facts, knowledge, rules, routines and plans more than anyone I've ever met. I set very high standards for myself and people say my level of ambition is way too high. I'm also even more withdrawn and sensitive to stimuli nowadays. Figuring out I'm an introvert (which I did a few years ago) and getting diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, generalised anxiety disorder, depression and OCD (in March this year) have explained some things, but it hasn't made me feel less frustrated and more understood. I still feel like it's me vs the world. Like no one gets it. My therapist (CBT) tries really hard to understand what's going on inside my head but since I can't really communicate it and since I don't like changes he therefore thinks I'm a bit passive, stubborn and defensive (which I guess I am as well, though I mostly just find it difficult to express what I think and feel).

There are so much more I could say about this. I sort of feel a bit reluctant to post this because I worry you won't get the right picture of me since I haven't told you everything there is to tell. This post is already very long though (kudos if you've read this far) so I'll just go ahead and post it anyway.

I think what I'm wondering is if there's anyone like me out there? I've never met anyone who's like me. Also, could I just be imagining that I'm different?

You know, I typed up an entire thread like this and never posted it out of anxiety. You actually sound a lot like me. I remember feeling like I belonged to a culture that didn't exist, feeling strange and alone, especially since everyone around me could keep interests passively, "just relax", and go wherever they liked with whoever they wanted and not think twice.

I don't think you sound arrogant at all, by the way.

EDIT: I missed the last line on my first read. It's an interesting thought that it may be all in your head, but in my case, I know I feel this way 24/7, so even if it doesn't make much sense, it's completely real, at least from my POV.

Sounds like you are very gifted and maybe you need to find other gifted people to socialize with.

Hi,
I hope you don't mind me, an N.T, posting.
Like you I've always wondered about if people perceived colours in the same way as me. I also wondered if when I was reading the same book as another person, if we were reading the same thing, Another deep thought used to be: I'm thinking in English. Therefore everyone thinks in English, but speaks out loud in different languages. English must be the pre-set language all people are born with.
I was very young when thinking about that! I still sometimes think about the colours though.
And as a child I did spend a lot of time just thinking. I would lie down staring at the patterns on the ceiling, just thinking and daydreaming.

Anyway, you sound like a wonderfully intelligent person and you should never be ashamed of what you can do. If I had known you at school I wouldn't have thought of you as odd or weird for enjoying learning and maths. I always admired the brigheter pupils and wished I could be more able like them. Deep down I always wanted to do my own projects, but was afraid of being seen as geeky, so I didn't. It was time wasted and I wish I had gone ahead and done them.

There is a person in this house who was reading in two languages at 18 months but you couldn't really talk to him until age 4.

Thus, I conclude you seem relatively normal to me. Well ok I will correct myself... you seem comparatively normal to the mutant/alien that lives here.

P.S. mutant/alien is a term of endearment. I love the Xmen even thought they have trouble sometimes with regular society and hey "wrong planet" is the name of this forum

Rebbieh, it's not just you. From one introverted withdrawn cautious sensitive honest curious misfit over-thinker to another, I can tell you that there are others.

I know exactly how you feel, have had the same diagnoses as you and have experienced the exact same frustrations.

Except I don't seem to handle it as well. I was also a bright child, started school earlier than usual due to my 'brightness' and was labelled as 'extremely intelligent' by my college tutors. As a teenager I was tested and was found to have advanced levels of ability in an number of areas (ie my moral development was beyond my years). Therefore I used to spend a lot of time mixing with adults rather than children of my own age.

People think I am being arrogant when I mention such things, but in reality I am merely trying to explain. I only become arrogant as a defense mechanism when people are attacking me.

Unfortunately I have a horrible time fitting in socially and have experienced years of ostracisation and bullying from people. I also have no support net work to help me with said upsets (my family were abusive and are dead now anyway and so on) so I have had to cope alone. The result is that my mental health has deteriorated and I seem to have lost some of my marbles as a result.

I am completely socially isolated and I hate it. Years of abuse has pretty much killed any love I once had for the human species.

I still understand how you feel though.

Thanks for reading and replying. Good to hear I don't sound arrogant.

I, too, feel this way 24/7. I find it very frustrating.



Maybe. I feel less intelligent nowadays though. I might still be quite intelligent (that's what people tell me) but I feel like my anxiety and depression have had an impact on my cognitive functions. I find it harder to focus nowadays and I get overwhelmed very easily (overwhelmed as in my brain "freezes" and I panic as soon as I feel pressured etc). It's probably still there but I feel like I can't "access" it as well as I could before. Does that make sense? Anyway, that's another thing which makes me feel very frustrated and the whole thing worries me. I've started to think I'm "stupid".

(Sorry if all of that sounded arrogant.)



I just wish I could meet them.



Sorry to hear you're feeling that way. I know bullying is awful to deal with (I was bullied for four years when I was 12-15 years old) and it leaves you with major anxiety issues etc. I'm not "completely socially isolated". I have a few friends but no matter how many people I surround myself with I still feel lonely (not in an I-need-more-social-interaction kind of way, because that exhausts me, but I just want to be understood). Sure, that has to do with the fact that I'm not really "socially gifted" (I've got a lot of social anxiety, not sure how to act in a lot of social situations, I find social situations exhausting, I'm sensitive to sounds etc) but mostly I just feel like no one gets how I function and how I think. I always see things differently, prioritise things differently, don't like the things they like etc.

Once again, I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. I hope it gets better.

I agree. As someone who began talking at three months despite being Deaf and having no auditory access to spoken language, reading in multiple languages before the age of one, reading Tolkien at four and commercial pilots' text books at six - I don't see the OP as being particularly exceptional at all. However I'm painfully aware that I do tend to have a rather badly skewed perspective of what constitutes 'normal' because of my personal experiences.

rebbieh: Have you considered trying the entrance test for one of the organisations packed with many mildly (and some moderately) gifted people (for example Mensa)? You might well find people of a similar level of intelligence. It might help to ease your apparent feelings of isolation and self-doubt, at least a little. Surely some of them will be people who share some of your interests and talents or at least relate to you on a similar level. If I thought I could find peers that easily then I would most certainly try. I really hope you find a way to feel less different, it's not a nice feeling at all in my experience.

I hope you don't mind me asking, but what sort of books were they?
The average one-year old I can picuture would barely have the fine motor skills to pick up a book or turn a page for themselves.
I believe you when you say you were able to do that, I'm just curious. Please excuse me if I'm being too nosy and I apologize for being off topic.

Thanks.

Part of the reason I am socially isolated is because of my inability to find people who understand me. The other reason is because I was physically ill for some time (a number of years) and was not able to get out and about to meet anyone, even if my social skills had been brilliant (which they are not). I had a hellish fight with my drs over it. They insisted the symptoms were psychiatric (anxiety and depression) I insisted they were not. I turned out to be correct but I lost years of my life to improperly treated sickness as a result.

However, having the mental health label has actually created the illness I was labelled with due to the impact that the diagnosis has had on my life..be careful with taking on psychiatric diagnoses if they are not accurate. If they are not your actual problem they can have a horribly detrimental effect on your life (in my case the drs would not take my physical symptoms seriously even though there was a physical cause and in one instance I was left with a severe infection for several years because those symptoms were thought to be depression and anxiety. As a result of my physical illness and incorrect diagnoses in regards to them, over the years I lost any friends I had, my relationships were ruined and even my own family disowned me...the remaining living members anyway).

This is going to sound arrogant....it's not meant that way.

Even now, because i have the label of depression people will assume I feel worthless just because I feel sad over my situation and all the wasted years when I started out in life with such promise. Why would I feel worthless? 10 years ago I was at University getting A grades..I didn't even need to revise for exams to get them. More recently I acquired the same grades on a course I was attempting to study with the OU. Unfortunately I had to leave as I was still not well at that time and could not keep up with the pace due to severe headaches. I still have not managed to finish my degree (the first time around I left to care for an elderly disabled mother who needed me at the time). I don't feel worthless as I know I have ability that society could make use of if it would only give me a chance. Unfortunately my diagnosis stigmatizes me, especially as I gave up on drs years ago and solved my CFS type problems myself (an issue that was separate from but may be related to the infection I was left with for 2 years because my dr refused to examine me or refer me to a specialist because he thought I was just a stressed out hypochondriac).

If I can get the funding I would happily return to University to finish my degree.

I am just sad that I lost everything over an illness that was misdiganosed for years when it was actually physical.

By writing this my intention is not to dump my problems on you, I am just saying to be careful about accepting a diagnosis that may not be accurate. It can cause a lot of problems and have a dire effect on your life.

I managed to get rid or the physical problems anyway but making a huge number of lifestyle changes including coming off of all medications, cigarettes, avoiding alcohol so on and so forth, so I don't suppose it matters now, Physically I feel well and for someone who is nearly 40 I have as much physical energy as I had as a teenager, despite still being overweight from when I was bed bound (was unable to stay in an upright position for nearly 2 years) but I am presently grieving for all those lost years all the same.

I will get over it, just right now, I need to grieve.

I still have a horrible time fitting in because I feel so different to everyone else but having a misdiagnosis does not help. The depressed souls I attract expect me to be able to understand their feelings and I cannot. Feeling sad yes, their value judgements such as feeling worthless no. This makes me come across as an as*hole when I am actually a ridiculously sensitive person in many ways (it wasn't advanced development that I tested as having...i was over sensitive, too idealistic and emotionally immature as well apparently).

Never mind, its not important.

What I am trying to say in a more welcoming way than it probably sounds in text on a computer is 'Welcome to the misunderstood brigade'.

I don't mind at all, please don't worry about asking.

I essentially followed a similar pattern to what most children do, simply because of the limitations of the types of books initially made available to me. I just progressed much more rapidly. I began with simple board books which I was given just to look at like most children. As soon as it became apparent I was genuinely reading the text then my mother felt the race was on to seek out a wide enough range of appropriate materials to allow me to continue at my own bizarre natural pace. I quickly moved on to small picture books, then books without pictures (both fiction and non-fiction). I'm sure I ripped the odd page but I was able to turn them without too much trouble. I was also walking at eight months, which was actually slow for my family (My oldest daughter walked at seven months and read at eleven months and my grandmother walked at six months). My mother tells a story about taking me to her tennis club and me walking up the path chattering away with my arms full of books. Another mother saw and remarked on how 'grown-up' I looked for someone so tiny then asked how old I was. My mother answered eleven months and then asked how old the big baby lying in the other woman's arms was. The mother apparently looked rather worried and answered eleven months. I always feel sorry for that woman - There was likely nothing at all wrong with her child, I was the unusual one. The greatest challenge for my mother was finding enough material at a suitable level but which did not delve into age-inappropriate subject matter. That was why she started providing books in more and more languages - To continue to challenge me with new things to learn without running into more problems. At one year old my books likely still had pictures (and probably teeth marks in the spine) though I'm not sure of specific titles.

nope.

theres no one like you. you're unique

Thanks for replying! That's amazing!

That's pretty impressive. Just to clarify though: I didn't say/mean I'm exceptional. I actually think I'm pretty unintelligent nowadays though I'm not sure that's true. It might "just" be that I'm doubting myself a lot.



I have thought about it but I don't know if I'd get in. I'm a bit scared of IQ tests. I've never taken any. At least not a real one (only some online, including the Mensa online test, but I'm skeptical towards them and I reckon they're probably not that accurate).



I know but that's not really what I meant though. We're all different and unique, obviously, but I haven't even found people I can relate to properly.

It's not common, but I have met a few people who fit or mostly fit that description.