Getting married

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Hello.

I have been with my girlfriend for about a year now and am extremely happy. We share similar interest, hobbies and I feel truly comfortable when I am in her company. Nothing really bothers me when I am around her and in this sense I feel truly free. I hope we continue to be together for as long as possible, however recently I have begun to feel guilty about being in a monogamous relationship and hoping to marry. I have been on many forums in which marriage has been the main topic of discussion and it seems that many people have a very cynical and pessimistic view of monogamous relationships. People say they are full of boredom, they are repetitious and the sexual aspect of them eventually loses its Promethean spark. They also bring up the current divorce rates to display the point that monogamous relationships are artificially constructed and because of this, they tend to inevitably fail and go off the rails. Furthermore, our society places so much emphasis on the idea of sexual freedom and exploring one's own sexuality in the most liberal ways possible that it seems as if the notion of a monogamous relationship is outdated, irrelevant and can only lead to unhappiness. This is far from the truth in my own relationship as I am overjoyed to be with the person I absolutely adore the most but seeing people's cynicism towards monogamous relationships is making me feel guilty about being in one. I am aware that people's opinions should not affect how I feel for somebody but for some reason I have a bit of an aspergers obsession with feeling guilty about being in a relationship and it is making me feel rather upset. Sorry for the rather confusing and moronic post

Don't feel guilty.

Many of the pessimists are envious of marriage because they can't find a person with whom they want to spend their life.

If you want to be with someone, there is no reason on heaven or earth why you should feel guilty about being in love.

Yes, very true! It's just difficult when we are living in a world in which monogamous relationships are considered a thing of the past. You look at women's magazines and people happily single going out every Friday night willing to indulge in promiscuous relationships and you feel a bit odd wanting to be with one person you're whole life. Sexuality and relationships in the context of a consumer culture are considered almost temporary and disposable forms of instant-gratification nowadays it seems and not the long-lasting social systems they used to be. You are right though, I suppose I should ignore those who think being in a relationship and getting married is wrong and do whatever makes me feel happy.

So you were perfectly happy in your relationship until you started reading online forums?

The answer seems plain: stop reading forums.

sing to her this song

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w3WrcQLA9iA[/youtube]

Don't feel guilty, and don't feel pressured by what you think most other people are doing. There are all kinds of ways to conduct a relationship -- one of the positive things about modern society is precisely that we DON'T have to conform to any one thing anymore.

It used to be that anything but monogamy was frowned on. Then things swung the other way (pardon the pun) to where you were only cool if you slept with anything with a pulse, starting around the 1960's sexual revolution.

But now that things have settled down and smoothed out, most western hemisphere society accepts that each of us has a choice and what we choose doesn't have to meet the approval of others, or be what's hip and cool. There are lots of people who do "spread it around". There are also lots of people who still fall deeply in love and wish to be exclusive to each for the rest of their lives. There are some people who try that and can't help straying.

But there ARE others who live monogamously -- and are happy to do so and work on making it work, work on keeping it good.

I would say to you, congratulations on finding real love, and good for you having a wish to be monogamous. Yes, 50% of marriages fail --- but that also means that 50% survive. Don't listen to people who agonize about boring sex lives or other pitfalls. There are pitfalls in anything you do or take part in, in life. You just deal with them.

Love is a wonderful thing that, when mutual, can transform your life. Give yourself over to the wonderful relationship you've found, fully and in the way YOU want, ignoring the naysayers.

Even though most marriages end in divorce, most people who marry stay married.

That's not actually a contradiction. You see, getting divorced once makes it more likely that your future marriages will also end in divorce--so the smaller number of people who divorce more than once skew the numbers, so that a majority of people who get married stay married.

As for the idea that the "spark" goes out of a relationship once you get married--here's what I learned about relationships in social psychology: A relationship doesn't end when the "spark" fades; it changes. Initially, a romantic relationship has a passionate sort of immediacy. There's a lot of physical attraction and people in these new romances are so much in love that they actually suffer measurable cognitive impairments. But this passion cannot be sustained forever; nor should it be. Successful relationships make the transition to a long-term, companionate style of love, the sort where you might say, "My spouse is my best friend." It's less intense, but it's built on trust, communication, and cooperation. It's a commitment, a decision you make, to stay with that person and do what you do for their benefit. It's this kind of love that lets couples last for the long haul.

Well said Callista. One thing that I have noticed was that all my parents married friends that we visited when I was a child ALL remain married to this day, Thats not to say they are all 100% happy but its not all doom and gloom.

My parents had some really rough times but the bottom line is that they are still married and will never get divorced.

My beloved soulmate and I just had our 27th anniversary. we were together for a few years before we got married.

Don't listen to those negative people. What Callista said is quite right, though the reality is my passion for my wife has not changed that much! She makes me feel like a teenager!

I don't understand why you would feel guilt for your good fortune, but I wouldn't waste any more time with that. If you have someone you love who loves you, rejoice. Revel in the time that you have.