General Asperger Questions

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My husband who is 34 was recently diagnosed with Aspergers. We are trying to make some sense of it and learn how to coexist more peacefully together. Here are some of my main concerns.

Does your asperger partner appear selfish? I know he is withdrawn and doesn't like to socialize, but he tends to think more of himself than of me or others.

Do any other NTs of asperger partners feel alone and unappreciated? How do others cope with feeling this way?

Do any of you have an issue with your asperger spouse being very black and white. My husband can't seem to change plans once they are made. If he does have to unexpectedly change plans, he can get very annoyed/upset and become quite irritated quickly.

Can anyone offer any advice or tips on how to communicate better with an asperger spouse.

My asperger spouse doesn't really show affection too much. Do others have this same issue and what ways do they deal with it?

My husband has his own ways of doing things and gets upset if I don't do things the way he suggests. I guess he puts a lot of thought into anything he does and thinks of his ways as the best way. Should I just accept this or are there ways to compromise?

He's very matter of fact when speaking. He doesn't seem to have a filter and says things as he sees them. He sometimes comes off as being rude and apathetic.

I'm a very sensitive person and find his behaviour hard to deal with.

You have just described me perfectly well!



be direct and honest. Don't write between the lines because he won't read it. Be explicite about your expectations. Don't try mindgames.

Your question seems to be directed more at NT(neurotypical, which I'm using here to mean "non-autistic") partners of people with AS, but I'll try and explain some things from the AS perspective. I hope it helps.

This can be because we have trouble inferring your needs. We tend to be both worse at you guys (i.e., NTs) at both reading nonverbal signals and at decoding them to figure out what you need from us. Actually, in general we are bad at drawing inferences so you will need to be very direct. You'll probably feel like you're explaining the bleeding obvious, but to us it isn't obvious- we aren't being deliberately obtuse!

Sometimes, too, we genuinely can't do what you want from us. This may be from an inability to do it at any time (for example, I can't be the life of the party any more than you can be an elite athlete), or it can be that we're just so exhausted from having to consciously keep track of a lot of things that NTs do instinctively and take for granted that we can't cope with additional demands.



It's not just you; people with AS also tend to feel like they're trying and trying and all their effort just gets thrown back in their face with "You're not even trying!". It seems to be a fundamental misunderstanding in NT/AS relationships. I think there needs to be more information out there on things that both sides find difficult, so that neither party in a relationship assumes that things that are easy for them are easy for their partner.



I have trouble with responding spontaneously to things. It's not shyness or inhibition; if I'm thrown into a new situation I literally will not have any response on hand. Thus, I need time to prepare for things. If I have something planned, I will have spent all the time leading up to it going through the situation in my head and working out what I'll do. I do this even for simple situations like talking to a cashier at the supermarket, because if I don't, guess how many words I'm going to be able to come up with? That's right: zero. If my plans are changed unexpectedly, that means I have to throw out my old responses and work out a new set very, very quickly. This would be stressful even if situations were predictable, but they aren't, so there are many, many factors to consider. You probably don't even think about the difference in response to being greeted with "Hello" vs "What's up?". We do.

Besides this, we notice small changes more, so things that may seem trivial to you may really throw us. An unexpected change in plans makes me feel disoriented like you might if one of the laws of physics suddenly changed and you had to adapt (and with everyone else asking what your problem was and telling you to stop being such a baby).

Imagine if you were suddenly told that you had to drop everything and move to a foreign country. That's the level of stress we experience with sudden unexpected changes.



Very directly. Pretend we're idiots who can't read the slightest nuance or make the simplest inference. This works quite well because we are.




You'll probably have to tell him what you need (no, the fact that he can't figure out doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it means he's autistic), and constantly remind him. You may also have to accept that he has a different relational style to you and that he is not wrong for being that way. It's possible that he feels somewhat suffocated by what he perceives as your unrelenting need for affection and reassurance.



As your typical bullheaded Aspie, my "compromise" would be to do things the way I want and tell my partner to get over it if they threw a hissy fit.
Or you could explain why you are doing things your way. We are usually open to logical argument.



This is typical Asperger's. Often we see things as simple facts without the emotional colouring that most people give them. Since we don't see that emotional content, we can't always see why something may hurt someone's feelings. It's not rudeness or apathy. You may find it helpful to explain the emotional inferences NTs make for so many things.
You'll probably have to explain it for a lot of individual things, even things that you think are obviously related. We typically don't generalise well.
This last point is also relevant to the "plans changing" situation: because we tend to be bad at generalising information between situations, every situation we find ourselves in is new to us, which adds to the stress and the level of mental effort required.

Ah, the weekly "My significant other is an Aspergian jackass, come commiserate with me" post. We see a lot of these here. This is a support group for people with a specific disability, asking us how to tolerate people like us might be thought of as, well, shall we say "a tad insensitive." But I'll answer as best I can.

You do realize that from his point of view you are just as impossible to comprehend? We often refer to our condition as feeling like we were born onto the Wrong Planet, but the truth is, it's more like we're born into an alternate dimension, where autistics and neurotypicals can see and interact with each other, but are experiencing two totally different worlds that will never truly coincide.



The very meaning of the word 'autism' is 'self,' not as in 'self-ish' but as in 'trapped inside one's own head.' If you read the DSM criteria describing the symptoms of High Functioning Autism, you will note that we are known for having trouble comprehending what other people are thinking and just what the hell they want from us. We are socially inept. It's a neurological dysfunction, meaning it's in the way our brains are wired from birth and you can't fix that.

Let me explain first, just what autism is - because it all stems outward from one central issue - all our social problems, all our hypersensitivities to sounds, smells, touch, food textures, yada yada, yada - all starts with one thing: A Sensory Processing Dysfunction.

Every moment of every day, we are all exposed to a constant barrage of sensory data - light, sound, touch, voices, non-verbal social signals, etc. A million different pieces of information coming in from every direction.

In a normal brain, you have a filter that constantly monitors all this information, collating, prioritizing according to importance, organizing and adjusting - it's like a sound engineer at a big mixing board, adjusting the mental 'volume level' of each sensation, so you can focus on what's important and ignore what isn't. It's an unconscious process and happens without any awareness or effort on your part.

In the autistic brain, this filter has been wired incorrectly, so it doesn't work quite right. All of that incoming sensory data is slamming into us at essentially the same 'volume' and it's up to our conscious mind to rapidly juggle it all and figure out what's important and what isn't. Because of that, we easily miss or misinterpret social cues, or other important stuff, while focusing on irrelevant things like tiny, almost imperceptible sounds or reflections of light that others don't even notice. It's distracting and often overwhelming. So overwhelming in fact, that it can become literally physically, psychologically and emotionally painful. This is the state we live in 24/7/365. If we often seemed stressed or preoccupied, there's a reason for that. We are.



Yup. Get used to it. Back to the whole "overwhelmed by too much sensory data" thing - it's very difficult for us to even get used to the idea of going out and navigating around in the real world, but one of the things that helps us immensely is ROUTINE. Because of all the sensory stuff we're juggling in our heads, it helps if we know what to expect, so we keep the new and unexpected to a minimum. If we get it in our head that a certain event is coming at a certain time and is going to occur in a certain way, we can mentally prepare for that, so it doesn't become overwhelming. There's a sort of 'map' in our minds for the day and as long as we stay on the plotted course, we can handle it.

Last minute changes throw all that out the window. Now, suddenly, someone has torn our map to shreds and we're dog-paddling, panicky, through unfamiliar waters. It's called an Anxiety Attack and yes, it tends to make us irritable and unreasonable to say the least. What you have to understand is that those last-minute curve balls leave us UNABLE to cope and feeling terrified and resentful at having been thrown into what is, for us, an impossible and incomprehensibly chaotic situation.




My experience (and a commonly heard complaint) is that in the beginning of a relationship, we concentrate a great deal of energy and effort into the more traditionally romantic aspects and then, over time, withdraw more and more until our SOs begin to feel ignored and unappreciated. I can only tell you that it goes back to what I was saying earlier about getting 'trapped inside our own heads' - socializing, even with those we care about, is very strenuous and takes a great deal of mental energy. Once we begin to get comfortable in the relationship, I think part of what happens is that we feel more free to revert to who we really are, rather than wear that social happy face mask all the time, and what we are is solitary, quiet, withdrawn, and obsessively focused on specific interests.

It doesn't mean we've stopped caring, only that eventually we have to get back to giving some of our mental energy to the mundane, like our jobs , families and so on and it's just not psychologically possible (for us) to keep juggling all those things at the same high level forever.

There's also the fact that because we are so socially naive, especially when we're younger, that we get taken advantage of a lot by others and many of us have a tendency to be somewhat paranoid about being too open and becoming emotionally vulnerable. In other words, because we have to learn the hard way about humans not always meaning what they say and often saying one thing and doing another, it's easy to become mistrustful and withdrawn. I'm not saying that's what's happening with you, but it can be a problem. It's hard to be affectionate with someone you've known in the past to use your own feelings against you. In fact, at a certain point, you just stop telling them how you feel, because they seem to have their own agenda and aren't really listening anyway.




Uhm, yeah...well, again, we're not good with things changing, even our minds. What can sometimes help is to make a suggestion and then let it lie for a while. A long while. Let us mull it over and get used to the idea. If it makes sense, we may come around. No guarantees, but anything else is just pushing an immovable object. It's only going to leave you frustrated and exhausted. Sorry.



We don't have much of a natural filter when it comes to social interaction. Because of all that other sensory racket coming in at the same level, subtlety is easily lost on us and we are endlessly puzzled by why on earth NTs can't be more direct and simply say what they mean. Usually, as we age, we may learn to appreciate the need to self-censor in order not to hurt or offend, but not all of us do and even those of us who do aren't always good at it. And then, some of us let outrageous things slip out from time to time just because we are amused at the gasps and horrified faces. I for one, try not to be rude, because I am rather sensitive myself and I believe strongly in the Golden Rule.

Apathy, again, is an appearance that can be deceiving. Because of all that sensory 'noise,' it's very hard to focus on things that we have no personal interest in. I don't just mean like homework or a dull TV show - I mean our brains are normally so abuzz and preoccupied that almost anything we perceive as mundane just barely registers and cannot hold our attention. OTOH, strangely, those thing that DO fascinate us are riveting and draw our attention to a laser focus. You may think an Aspergian is lazy when you try to get them to do something that they aren't interested in, or that overwhelms their sensory issues, but watch them get engaged with one of their personal obsessive interests and you can't drag them away from it - they will stay awake for days involved in a project, ignoring meals, phone calls and personal hygiene.

I don't know how helpful any of that is, but perhaps it will offer a little insight into how your thought patterns differ from his and why. Good luck.

Welcome to Wrongplanet!

the answers you seek are probably here - be patient , whatever you try will take some time to figure out and get working. Aspergers is a stable condition in adults and will not resolve itself with or without effort. one can only realistically expect it to make incremental improvements over time in my experience.

There should be an FAQ forum on this site dealing with:

(a) the weekly my husband the aspie is a jackaass threads

(b) help! am I aspie? threads (they could have a popup of Fnord with his Only a Qualified Therapist Can Diagnose You motto)!

mmm what else?

I think Willard's advice is comprehensive and concise.

Asperger's is a spectrum disorder. While what Willard describes is the common typical, it must also be said that there is great variation within the single disorder. Any advice must be compared to the person for its relevance.

For any Asperger’s person who has not had social training, they will simply treat other people as they think themselves. Not understanding that other people think in a very different manner.

We don't see or care about social niceties. They are invisible to us until they are pointed out by someone. We learn over time, but it’s a slow and hit-or-miss affair.

We see things as they are, the literal, what you see is what you get kind of thing. We don't see or understand moods and politeness (without training).

We communicate using words, and we use the dictionary meaning of words. Feelings and politeness pass us by like invisible ghosts.

For what it's worth, non apsie couples have this problem too. It's practically the entire basis of shows like I Love Raymond (I always think those stereotype tv wives are really cruel).

In real life I've seen many women get upset because their husbands can't automatically intuit what they want or because they seem uninterested or indifferent. I guess it's just a matter of degrees.

Yes, me too.



Agreed. Though, I have the feeling that the advice won't necessarily appease my wife.

Who Am I has answered many of your questions very well. I have only a few things to add.

All Aspies will be different, but a common theme is the need to "mentally prepare" for things. The amount of time needed to prepare will be different for every situation. For example, if I am going to do something I fear greatly (such as going to the dentist), I need at least a couple of weeks to prepare. If my dentist called and rescheduled the appointment, I would give in to not seem rude, but then get off the phone and likely have a meltdown. That would mean I will either not be psychologically prepared for the visit, or if it's pushed out later, that I will have to go through that mental preparation all over again. It's a draining process. For something like spending a day with my sister, this does not require quite as much preparation since I am more "used to" her, having known her all my life. So, in this case I would prefer to know of the plans at least a week in advance, so that I can adjust the rest of my weekly routine accordingly (e.g. normally I vacuum at 1 pm on Sunday, I may need to move this), but if she called and wanted to do something the next day I would still be irritated, but not as much so. Because this outing would not require as much mental preparation. Unless we were going to do something I'd never done before.

As you can see, there is just so much to think about. It is an arduous process. To have someone flippantly ignore that and say "oh we're going today instead since we have some free time!" is exhausting and scary.




I have had this issue from the other side. Sometimes I want to be affectionate, but I just can't. I am many times psychologically/physically drained. Not from hard labor of the physical kind, but from hard labor of the mental kind.

On days when I am extra tired or stressed, physical touch can feel extremely irritating to my skin. You have to remember that for many Aspies, there is a focus on the physiological. For example, I wear my socks inside out because the line at the toe bothers me. If I feel the line, it is all that I can think about. My thoughts are "I can feel the line. I can feel the line." NTs seem better able to tune out the physical discomforts, whereas I cannot. So, for me to be physically affectionate with someone, I have to be in the perfect mood, and in the perfect physical environment. If you want your husband to be more physically affectionate (and this includes simple hugging, hand holding, or more adult things) I would suggest paying close attention to his physical comfort level first. Something like having the ceiling fan on may not be a big deal to you (you may not even notice), but to him it can be a big distraction.

If you are unsure about what is making him uncomfortable in that moment - ask him! As you say, Aspies can be quite direct...I really appreciate it when people ask me direct questions. "How can I make you feel more affectionate?" is NOT a direct question. "How do you like the temperature in this room?" IS a direct question.

My other piece of advice would be to take it when you can get it. Since its so hard for that perfect combination of factors to happen for Aspies, when he DOES show a sign of affection, keep going with it and milk it for all its worth in that moment, even if it isn't the most convenient for you. Because even though he loves you, the next day he may not be physically capable of doing it again. Make sure he knows that you appreciate it!




This is very good advice!! Things should be done for a logical reason. If he has a logical reason for doing something, then that is the way it will be done. BUT, if you can present him with an alternate logic, he may accept that as valid as well. Nothing drives me more crazy than when people expect me to do things without giving me a logical reason for it. If I ask why, they often say "I don't know," "that's just the way we do it," etc. I don't find these to be acceptable answers. If you want to do things a different way, then give him a logical reason why.

As others have pointed out, how he communicates with you and how you can communicate with him more effectively are directly related.
Aspies tend to be blunt, direct, and compulsively honest, but almost entirely non-judgemental and non-subtextual in terms of our observations and communications.
Generally speaking, the Golden Rule applies: we communicate with others in the manner we wish others to communicate with us.
In other words, be blunt, be direct, be honest, be specific, and try not to imply any value judgements and/or subtext as it is very unlikely that he will be able to infer them.

If you want him to do something, for instance if you wanted him to hug you and tell you he loves you at least once a day, your best bet is to directly and honestly ask for it as specifically as possible, preferably with an honest, reasonable explanation for the request.
By specific, I mean like the above example rather than asking him to be 'more affectionate' which is vague and could imply a multitude of things, but doesn't necessarily.

In terms of his way of doing things versus yours, the other responses are correct in pointing out that we aspies tend to respond very well to logic.
So, if you want him to do things a different way, come up with a logical explanation as to why you think he should do whatever it is your way instead of his way.
Tell it to him, and ask him to think it over.
If you're correct, logically speaking, it's likely that he'll agree with you and switch how he does it.
However, don't expect that your way necessarily is going to be better, logically speaking at least, because it's possible that he's actually thought through your line of reasoning in the past and rejected it because of other factors you failed to consider.
He may also have some questions and arguments regarding your explanation, so be prepared for a debate, and if that happens whatever you do, don't get emotional about it.
Try to remember that he's not arguing against you, he's arguing against the point(s) you're making, so do your very best not to take his arguments personally.

Showing affection in a relationship is a social construct, and as such it's something an aspie has no instincts for and thus has to learn and/or be taught.
I know that you'd rather he just figure it out on his own, because it'd be more romantic that way, but I'm afraid that's just not realistic.
So teach him.
Ask him to do specific things which show affection towards you, and do your best to make sure he understands your intentions in doing so because he might not be willing to try to do them unless he understands why it is you want him to do them, and why it's so important to you that he try to do these things.
Start small, one thing at a time, and encourage him when he tries.
Also, lead by example.
Be affectionate towards him in specific ways, and then request that he copy your behaviors.
If he has trouble understanding what you're asking him to do, show him real world examples in your friends or on tv, in movies, or even in plays and books.
Eventually, once he has enough of a repitoire of behaviors in this category, he should be able to start generalizing and improvising.
It may take a long time for this to happen, though, it will be a process, and he likely will never really be that perfect spontaneously affectionate mate, so be patient and understanding.

As others have pointed out, he's not so much selfish as he is unable to avoid his own intense inner world to the same extent that NTs are because of the way his brain is wired.
What you've described isn't selfishness so much as it is an inability, unless intensely focused on something, to block out or avoid thinking about and constantly noticing our sensory experiences.
When I say sensory experiences, though, I'm not just talking about externally, I'm also referring to internally, i.e. our thoughts and emotions, which can be equally instense, distracting, and overwhelming as the external physical sensory experiences, and tend to be just as unfiltered, since thoughts and emotions are basically just the brain sensing itself.
In other words, we tend not to think too much about others, unless specifcally requested to do so, because we're simply unable to stop thinking about our own thoughts, emotions, and sensory experiences.
I sometimes find myself feeling like I'm trapped inside my own head and silently screaming "Let me out!" as I pound on the inside of my skull, if that helps as a metaphor for understanding what I'm talking about.

Once again, I'm repeating what others have already said, but as for the unexpected change of plans, no he's not going to like that.
None of us do.
We tend to prepare extremely carefully once we've made plans to do something, both internally and externally, and we tend to get upset when we're suddenly expected to change things with no warning.
Doing things, most things, outside our special interests isn't easy for us.
Planning ahead makes it much easier as it allows us to make sure we'll be ready to do those things when the time comes.
Having an unexpected change of plans is not only disorienting and upsetting, it creates a cognitive dissonance that can be nearly as bad as that created by the types of too-intense sensory experiences which can trigger meltdowns.
It's also frustrating, since the planning and preparation to carry out the plans takes a large amount of mental energy and when those plans are changed unexpectedly by others all that energy has then been wasted.
Your best bet is to try your very best not to change your plans with him unexpectedly if you can, and whenever you know when making the plans that there's a possibility of that happening warn him in advance so he can plan for an alternate scenario and not be surprised or upset by the change.
Of course there's always a possibility of it happening because you can't necessarily predict circumstances which might arise by chance and leave you no choice but to alter your plans, but what I mean by possibility in this case is if you are aware of already extant circumstances which you know could cause you to have to change your plans unexpectedly, even if it's relatively unlikely that they will.
In such a case, letting him know that there are circumstances that you are aware of which may necessitate that you unexpectedly have to change your plans with him will allow him to plan for that as well.
...and no, just telling him that all your plans with him are subject to being changed unexpectedly is NOT how you do that, because frankly it's just disrespectful and hurtful as it tends to imply that he's not important enough for you to make firm plans with.


Anyways, as a 34 year old aspie guy myself, I'd just like to say that I'm envious of your husband simply for being in a long term adult relationship, something I've never really had.
He's a lucky guy.

Good luck and much happiness to you both!

Thanks for the great replies everyone! It has helped to clarify and understand a lot more.

Having a long term relationship isn't always easy for me (the aspie) or my wife. We've been together since 2007 and she has always been unsure if I loved her or not because I don't show affection or emotions well.

We only found out about Aspergers Syndrome in 2010 around the time we got married. She was reading a magazine article and thought it sounded a lot like me. I must admit I was kind of relieved to know that I wasn't the only one who was like me.
The honeymoon didn't go so great since a lot of it was new and there were lots of communication barriers. Travelling made me uneasy because of unfamiliar areas and all the extra stress of the wedding and having to be around lots of people.

One of our 'happiest' times turned out to be not so great and kind of ruined her expectations of a nice honeymoon. I didn't really understand why it was so difficult and she wondered why I was so mean / rude / insensitive / whatever else.

I can remember bringing sunblock and I had purchased a specific brand from a natural store that had a lot less chemicals in it. I always buy natural and healthy products because of chemical sensitivities and just because I care a lot about the planet.

Anyways, I'm very particular about being organized (if I'm not, my head also feels disorganized) and she misplaced my sunblock when packing it. I specifically mentioned to her about the sunblock and she said she'd take care of it. So then when it came time to use it, it was nowhere to be found. It was also a brand I couldn't just go to the pharmacy for so I got pretty agitated.

She couldn't understand why I couldn't just forget about it. As much as I wanted to forget about it (since it was a petty issue) I was preoccupied with it. We did find another similar brand at a health food store but by then, I was agitated and then all other small petty issues become magnified and seem huge to me.

I was also probably upset with myself for leaving something 'important' to me in the hands of someone else.


We have read a couple books on Aspergers, and what we'd do is highlight the parts we thought were important and we'd each use a different colour so we could go back to see what the other found to be important parts or useful information.

But it's really great to be able to connect with others of the same magnitude and be able to ask questions in kind of like a support group atmosphere. Just reading these answers to my first post has really given us a lot of insight.

We both really appreciate everyone who has offered advice or shared knowledge and look forward to communicating more on this forum.

Heres a question or two for you. Why do all nt women complain about their aspie bf/husband? Are you trying to make aspies look like bad partners?

Aspies are bad partners, unless you know what's going and work out ways to work around those problems.

I have been married for the better part of three decades and my wife still has to tell me what to do in certain situations--things that NTs know just through their intrinsic social perception.

On the other hand, this may make us better partners than some NTs because we have to be conscious about all this. A lot NTs rely on instincts and subtle perceptions they don't really understand and they get into all sorts of trouble because they are acting without thinking.

I find these threads quite interesting (as the comments posted by the OP are consistent with comments made by my wife, during the past 20 or so years). I think discovering ways to “coexists more peacefully together” is always a good goal.