Just been diagnosed - should I tell my mum?

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After waiting a year to be seen, I was diagnosed with an Autistic Spectrum Disorder last Friday, following a day of assessment. My diagnosis was done on the NHS. No mention was made of Asperger's Syndrome, they only mentioned "Mild", "Moderate" and "Severe" categories. It was suggested that I would be "Mild" or "Mild tending towards Moderate" because of the mental health issues the condition has caused me (i.e. anxiety and depression).

I have to wait a couple of weeks while they combine all their tests to see where I lie on the spectrum and make some recommendations about work and lifestyle.

I haven't told my mum though. She is 80 now and I live with her, effectively being her carer. She's not good at dealing with any mental health or personality issues - I think she needs me to be a strong man so that's what she has to see me as.

The doctor who made my diagnosis thought it would be good to tell her so that she could adapt herself to my needs such as giving me quiet time but this is one thing she absolutely hates to do - she sees it as rejection of her if I try to get time alone. The doctor also mentioned that the Trust has some "Newly Diagnosed" sessions and that it would be good for my mum to come along to one. I doubt if she will though.

What should I do? Do you know any good movies or documentaries that show adults with mild ASD/Aspergers in a good light that would suitable for me to show an older person?

I've got to say that I've suspected for a couple of years that I have ASD and it has been a huge relief to finally get a diagnosis

Maybe Neurotypical? It is a PBS documentary.

Trust your instinct she needs you to be strong. You may still be able to tell her, just have to explain as how you can best support her, rather than keeping all of the focus on how she can help you.

If she is able to take in how this affects you, and that she can help, though, it may help her feel better about herself to help her out, just depends what you think she is up for.

Also, I would try to avoid telling her you need time alone as she is so bothered by it. Is there any way to invite her to participate in something that maybe requires silence but works for you? That way if she talks for example while you are reading, or meditating, or whatever you want during alone time, you can keep the focus on the activity you are doing, which she isn't part of, but it is the activity that you are telling her you want, rather than avoiding her. If she is very dependent on you, physically or psychologically, avoiding her for the sake of staying away could be terrifying, and you don't need that extra drama. She'd still be dramatic, I just think easier for you to say you need to do something without getting upset than to tell her to leave you alone directly. And ideally, your alone time should feel somewhat positive!

With regards to "alone time", how were you able to get diagnosed without her being with you?

Apparently she knows there are times she can't be with you. I wonder if there's another place where you could have your alone time, or if her already knowing you sometimes go out by yourself might be used as a springboard to getting alone time while you're still at home.

Usually I'd say yes, without hesitation, if you spend so much time with a parent, but it seems as though your mother needs a lot of help herself and she's just not in a mental place to see things from your point of view. She also seems set in her ways--your doctor's suggestion of telling her so that she can adjust to you seems kind of laughable. If you do tell her, go slowly, and phrase things in a way that she'll understand. By the way, what benefit do you think that telling her would have? Because I can't really see any, judging from what you've posted here.

I have told my 80 year old mum half a dozen times. She doesn't remember, so every time I tell her, it's for the first time!

When I told my Uncle he suggested that my mum might also be on the spectrum. When I told her and read her a description, she said "that sounds like me, too!"

There is no point in worrying about her changing any of her routines in the least degree to accommodate any of my needs--she is totally rigid in her patterns. She must read the newspaper every morning, for example, tough she cannot tell you anything about what was in it by lunch.

She can be exasperating, but I have found that my diagnosis and related research into autism allow me to be much more tolerant of her extreme rigidity and self-centered ways.

Good luck with your mum!