Hi... am I in the right place?

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Hello to anyone who reads this and can offer any insight. I am a 28 year old woman from Vermont, and I am beginning to wonder if I have autism. (Throughout this post please forgive anything that may sound weird, I don't know much of anything yet about Autism...but I would like to tell you about me, and see if you think I may be barking up the right tree here or if I should get lost...)

So, I'll start with why I'm scouring the internet for answers. My marriage is falling apart. My husband of 4 yrs thinks I have never cared for our marriage, or for him. that I am cold and heartless. He says I have never shown him love, but he says I came close once. This breaks my heart because I have such an immense love for him -how can he not see it? Ok, we're really different. He's conversational - I struggle to discuss anything, even with him. I've always been this way. I haven't ever really had a true friend... more acquaintances. I'm a sucky wife for not being able to show my husband that I love him with my whole heart and soul -I suck at cooking and cleaning (I'm SO not disciplined in domestic habits!) but sucking at love really .... sucks.

What brought me to the thought "Am I autistic?" was that husband and I were talking to a friend the other day who was talking about an autistic child she was raising. She talked about having to remind him all the time what needed to be done, that he needed structure or strayed easily, that he was easily frustrated. Three adults in the room, and I totally understood the child they were speaking about. I wasn't on the same page as my husband and our friend, who were so effortlessly understanding the situation and what needed to be done to help the child have a sense of normalcy. I totally understood the kid's point of view & really can't see theirs. This made me look online......the thought is consuming me.

Like I said, I don't know much of anything about autism... but there are some things that lead me to believe that I'm on to the right path. (Again- I am NOT saying that my experiences are autism... nor do I want to offend anyone... I am just seeking advice - I need to know if others are this way or see the world like I do. These are the things that come to mind when I ask myself: why have I always been so weird!!?? )

--When I was a kid, I would lash out and my parents would have to literally hold me down to calm me.
--I was jealous of my little sister because everything came naturally to her. She had friends. I didn't.
--I was a straight A student, graduating college in just 3 yrs... but a month beyond any test, I have extreme difficulty - sometimes inability- to recall anything.
--My husband says things go "in one ear and out the other" with me all of the time. He's right. The man shows me simple tasks over and over and over... and I still don't get it. I tell myself I'll get it, I'll remember, but I can't. He thinks I am lazy. I think I'm stupid.
--When I was little, I was preoccupied by numbers.... I would count the number of letters in a word and count them out on my hands over and over repetitively until the last letter of the word ended on my pinky finger. I would do this for hours every day. (Does that even make sense!!?!?)
--I feel textures in my mouth. I can't explain this one. It's like I can imagine any texture. It bothers me.
--I am preoccupied with ridiculous things like cracking knuckles, combing scalps, cleaning my ears.
--speaking of preoccupied, I can become fixated by the oddest things at the most inopportune times. The other day, husband was talking to me about a house we're thinking of buying, and I couldn't stop thinking about anything other than the piece of wood on the floor in between us that should be turned the other way. Until I went over there and moved it, I couldn't focus on my husband no matter how hard I tried. It's like the wood had mind control over me. This sounds bizarre writing it down & I feel ridiculous for being this way.
--I sleep SO many hours. I can fall asleep almost anywhere.
--My husband has always said that I write like a robot and don't "talk like a person" (you weigh in, I'm pretty far into this!)
--I am good at repetitive tasks such as weaving and I get immense pleasure out of it
--I find it difficult to become good at things
--I spent 12 yrs as a vegetarian because the texture of meat bothered me. Similarly, I refused to wear jeans because of how they felt on my body, and wore only stretch pants for the entirety of 5th grade.
--I insult people without being aware that I am doing it and embarrass people around me
--I will do pretty much anything to avoid social outings, unless I know everyone and what to expect at the outing
--Internet is safe... Facebook is good because I can edit what I post and say... and above all, I can control who sees it.
--I am extremely self-conscious. Overly so.
--my husband will get upset with me and I will vow to change and make things better...but it's the focus thing - I slide right back into my habits, not talking to him like my husband, but rather as someone off of the street. I don't talk about our future because I have trouble picturing it in my head. I am not on the same page as him and even though I want to be more than anything, I simply can't. I find myself saying "I don't know how" all the time. He says "Just do it" but it's simply not that easy for me.

I have a great job traveling all over the country working with clients, which I enjoy and am very good at. It's really the only thing I am good at in my life.

My husband is disabled, struggling with his own physical disease. I am at the point where I must do something or I am going to lose him. I think the equally pressing issue here, though, is that I need to find myself. I need to know what I have (or don't have), and how I can work with it to make my and my husband's lives better.

Do any of the things I listed sound like I may have autism? Or am I just really weird and should buck up and try harder?

thanks for listening.
-vermonter

Deciding that you may be on the spectrum is a pretty bold step. I congratulate you for it because, well, I can't speak for everyone here, but there's a general feeling that we're outsiders and misfits. If I had my way I wouldn't belong to such a group. As Groucho Marx used to say, "I'd have no part of a club that would have me as a member." Welcome to Wrong Planet.

It sounds like you have autism. Get a diagnosis quickly and get marriage counseling.

[Moved from Getting to know each other to General Autism Discussion]

Hi, vermonter. Welcome.

A lot of your symptoms do sound like autism. Consider speaking with a professional about it, and also consider whether you'd rather just self-diagnose. (There are differing opinions here about whether a professional diagnosis is worthwhile. Most support a diagnosis, I think; personally, I'm reluctant to have it be "official" in my records lest it affect the availability of insurance or something.)

Check out the sticky thread about tests related to autism in the General Autism Discussion area of Wrong Planet if you want to try out some tests. I recommend reading some different sources about autism and Asperger's, including reading about autism/Asperger's in girls and women specifically. It can be very different for girls/women than boys/men. Some suggestions are Tony Attwood's books/articles, Temple Grandin's books, Aspergirls by Rudy Simone, and the many resources available online, including articles, blogs, and videos. (I do not recommend Penelope Trunk.)

Relationships are hard for everyone, and autism can make them harder. Autistics' subtlety in emoting can easily be taken as coldness or lack of caring. Similar to what you mentioned, My significant other and I have had issues with me not showing him more love/passion. For example, early in our relationship he wanted me to be excited to see him when he came home after being away and didn't understand why I didn't seem to care much. (I suggested that if "excited to see you" is what he wants, perhaps he wants a puppy and not a girlfriend. For the record, this is not the best response. ) Twenty years later we still fight about the same sort of thing once in a while, and we have to remind ourselves that he needs a more demonstrative style of affection from me, and I need more understanding from him.

Remember that your hubby fell in love with you for who you are. Perhaps you two can find that again.

Best of luck to you. I hope you find some answers.

Obviously I'm not a professional, but it does sound like you could be on the spectrum. Your relationship with your husband sounds a lot like a previous relationship I had (with someone who might have has AS as well), where he was frustrated with what he perceived was a lack of care for him and a lack of communication from me.

The book Aspergirls is excellent, because it confirmed a lot of what I know about myself and the way that I think. Getting a professional opinion might not always be financially feasible, but reading about it might help you understand yourself more--and also help your husband understand you. Being disabled himself, your husband is probably preoccupied with his own situation, and therefore doesn't have much focus on your perspective.

You sound like a good writer to me--maybe if you wrote down how you feel and then show that to your husband, maybe that would help him?

Based on my experience it sounds like a milder for of Autism. I would DEFINITELY get a diagnosis if you want to save your marriage. Your insurance should cover it. If not, it is worth the money to save your marriage.

I am not Autistic but have worked with autistic children/adults since I was 12. I also have ADHD which is very similar and it ruined my marriage. What is VERY sad about the whole thing is that I told my husband who worked in the Special Education field with kids with Dyslexia and ADHD that I suspected ADHD and he said no because my grades were too high. Well......some kids learn how to compensate and can still get good grades. HUGE misconceptions out there about ADHD and Autism.

My marriage failed for the exact same reason yours is failing......my husband thought I did not love him anymore, which could not have been any further from the truth. He needed to be front and center 24/7 and I was not capable of providing him with that kind of love. His own mother used to tell him she is your wife not your mother. But he apparently wanted a mother and it was hard enough taking care of myself let alone him.

What is VERY sad about Autism is that people think of Rain Man. They do not understand that there are what I call "normal" people in the world who have milder forms of Autism. You don't have to be flapping your hands and counting cards to be Autistic. I know people on the spectrum do not consider themselves "normal" but to people like me you seem normal and hence it is hard for NT's to fully grasp that you have limited control over your behavior. But you CAN learn these skills. It is just that they needed to be explicitly taught.

Without a diagnosis he will not believe you. He will just think (as my husband well.....ex-husband....did) and that is.....that you are making excuses.

I completely ruled out ADHD in myself until I saw the play, Distracted. I felt relieved to learn that it wasn't my fault. I think that is what will help you the most.......knowing that this isn't your fault.

I know what it is like to keep trying and trying to "prove" your love for your husband but nothing is good enough. Get the diagnosis.
As Dr. Phil says, "You can't change what you don't acknowledge."

You are a very courageous and brave woman. I will say a prayer for you.

I cannot thank you all enough. I visited two counseling agencies on my lunch break today to gather information. It felt very awkward and exciting at the same time-- I picked up information to read at home, and it looks like I have a ton more to peruse thanks to your suggestions.

I want to learn more about Autism/Asperger's... I won't let it be an excuse, but rather something that allows me to understand myself and be a better wife/friend/person... hopefully someday a mother.

What a wonderful community here. Thank you all.

-vermonter

Please keep us posted on your progress. I can't speak for everyone else, but I will wonder how you are doing. Good luck. So happy you found us.

Maybe you should try making new friends outside of your marriage. Where in VT do you live? Here in the Burlington/Chittenden county area, there are plenty of socially awkward people (aspergers and otherwise), you just need to figure out where to look.

I hope everything goes well!