Arguments with adult children

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Hi - feeling at a loss more than ever. since my children became teenagers we have rowed more frequently. I suppose it's quite normal but I don't know who to deal with it.

My 20 yo dd cane to stay with me and sofa surfed for almost a month. She has aspergers, although not gone through the full tests yet, while I have been fully tested.

I need a lot of time and quiet. My daughter is rather loud. So we were fine for a long while, me running round for her (she's recuperating following a bike accident), until yesterday when while chilling out she started singing to a song on tv but carried on singing it even when it finished. She does these things to push buttons. I shouted at her after a while as she wouldn't stop being loud. She got angry back, called her dad and he came and collected her.

My husband came up stairs. I needed time out while my daughter packed to go home. I asked him to leave me alone but he brought the argument into my safe area and I went into full raging meltdown. I was a mess by the end. So was my room. I smashed a glass to smithereens and smashed fist holes into my door.

My husband said I have a mental health problem. I just wanted to be left alone. I couldn't get my head round my daughter not respecting me in my own home.

Your husband should have known better. How long have you been married? Is he the dad of your daughter? (I'm not judging).

Perhaps he has the "mental health problem" because he doesn't know when to give people space. I guess you could have maybe said something other than "leave me alone." But I feel like he should have respected your space.

The fist holes will be filled in. The glass will be swept up. If you meant a "mirror," a new mirror could be bought.

Obviously, your daughter should have respected your home--Aspergers or no Aspergers. You were giving her a home while she recovered.

I hope you are feeling a little better now. Do you have friends you can talk to? A therapist? I would reach out to somebody, like you reached out to us.

I agree, if you were clear that her singing, causing you sensory issues, and were respectful to hers, if any; it's clearly disrespectful.
Perhaps, the best solution for such situations would be calling your husband right away, for him to pick her up, without going into escalation with your daughter.

thank you for your replies.

yes, things can be replaced but I just don't know what to do. my daughter always blames everything on me and I cannot seem to get her to take responsibility for her actions nor feel remorse; it will always be my fault.

I am wasting my time with her, I think.

I am waiting to do some more CBT to help with my thinking. I don't have friends but my colleagues are supportive.

I believe your daughter needs some CBT, actually----even more than you do.

It's a terrible thing that your daughter doesn't take responsibility. She can do better than that. Does she have any particular "special interests?" Maybe if she were encouraged to pursue them (yet not affecting her life in other ways), she would be more amenable to change.

There must be some way to impart upon your daughter the fact that one cannot be happy when one has to be so negative all the time.

The problem is that her father, by my daughter's own admission, will do anything to make me look bad; that includes running around after her when we 'fall out', driving 50 miles at the drop of a hat come rain or shine, day or night.

He is an undue influence on all his children.

I have tried so many times but it backfires.

My daughter has no interest really in anything other than work and friends.

You want to hear something funny? In the sense that she likes "work and friends," she sounds like a typical 20-year-old. It's good that she has a job, actually.

I can understand it if you wanted her to further her education, though.....and refine herself in the sense of being "nicer" to people. Since she is "out in the world," she should be held to an even higher standard.

It's not fair that she disrespects you so. You bought her in the world, after all.

I've been disrespected all my life. The mockery for many who find me odd. Hurtful that my own daughter thinks so lowly of me too.

I wonder if feeling 'small' among other people is typical of ASD? When I try to assert myself I either get told I'm wrong or have misread a situation. Always second guessing causes a big imaginary question mark to be placed over my head.

I feel like Scarecrow in Oz trying to pick the right road and standing up to Lion(s): "if I only had a brain."

I would say one of the few solutions to this dilemma is to start thinking better of yourself. Think of the positive aspects of yourself.

I was a "doormat" when I was younger; it took a while to grow out of that.

You wear pink pajamas (that's what Americans call pyjamas). That means you have good taste

Yes, frequently people with autism spectrum disorders have problems with how they view themselves. And people in their lives frequently don't help too much.

But I believe you have to help yourself out of this bind. You are the only one who has your best interests at heart.

Yes....some of what I said are "platitudes"---but I believe the above is really the only solution.

I hear what you're saying but when I think I'm being self respectful and loving myself more i get told im being an arse.

for example, when my daughter's want to spend time with me, I try to make time but not on the spot arranging and when it is convenient to me as I work full time. Then if I can't make the time because I'm overloaded with life I get emotional messages.

I've been assertive before and lost friends. it's all so confusing so I just try to do what I can and suffer burn out.

Your daughter has to understand that you work full time (just like she might work full time).

That's the way of the world. People have to work, much of the time.

She should try to be more reasonable. She should know that you work hard, too---just like she might work hard. This should be a source of "friendship," rather than a source of discord.

I really wish I could see you "in action," so I can offer better advice.

Maybe it would help if you sit with your daughter and describe her precisely what her actions causing you problems and how .