PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH! -- ??

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This morning was chaos. My DS5 lately has been going through a more difficult emotional patch. I'm not sure why. Anyway, he had to get up to go to school this morning. It was Murphy's Law all the way.

1) He gets upset because I did not get his vitamin right away. He asked nicely first, then after I didn't give it to him immediately, he barked it as an order to me. I asked him to ask me nicely and not speak to me that way, and he got madder and started yelling at me, and then stomped down the hall as hard as he could. That was Angry Episode #1
2) We live in an apartment unit and the neighbors downstairs have asked us to kindly have the kids not walk so loudly so early in the morning, as they like to sleep. So, DS5 being down the hall stomping down like an elephant, I yell at him to stop stomping. It is not the first time I've told him this, and this gets him angrier. Hence, Angry Episode #2
3) He hides under the living room couch. I ask his father to get him dressed since I know he's already mad at me. Somehow this magically gets accomplished. They come upstairs and DS5 wants to eat chocolate babka. I tell DH that I don't mind him eating a tiny bit of babka as long as he eats something a little more nutritious afterward.
4) We are out of babka. Ensues Angry Episode #3. He goes to his trains and sees that they are "not perfect anymore" so he throws them over the floor. Angry Episode #4
5) We have to leave soon for school, and I have a doctor appointment right after, so I have no time to waste. I ask him calmly to pick up his toys off the floor. He refuses and I ask him if he remembers what happens if he doesn't pick up things he throws. He says Yes, they go away. I ask him if that's what he wants. He says "I don't care!" The toys go away (temporarily). Ensues angry episode #5.
6) My husband coaxes him into eating something small before school. My husband relays to me that he wants a peanut butter sandwich. So I make half a peanut butter sandwich. DS5 bites into and and ensues Angry Episode #6 because there was no jelly on it.

So here's my question (aside from everyone acknowledging my aforementioned screw-ups in handling my child this morning):

IF SOMEONE TELLS YOU TO MAKE A PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH, DON'T YOU MAKE IT WITH ONLY PEANUT BUTTER?

My husband says I should automatically know that when a kid wants a peanut butter sandwich it automatically means WITH JELLY. But I disagree!! !! I was doing EXACTLY what I was told to do. NOBODY ever said WITH JELLY. Can someone please PLEASE tell me who is right here?!

My sympathies to you.
Firstly to your question, I understand in the States that Peanut butter is generally consumed with "Jelly" which I presume is American for Jam as in the UK we have Jelly with custard and blancmange.
If this is generally the case in your household, I have to say I think your Husband is correct that if a "Peanut Butter sandwich" means peanut butter with its customary accompaniments, that is what would be expected.
However, your Husband should be used to your Aspie trait of requiring a full set of instructions and should know to accommodate you, so I say 50/50 blame.

Now, due to your misleading thread title, permit me to talk about Peanut butter.
For years this was pretty much my main staple, and Ive probably got around 20 or 30 jars in the house now.
Here in the UK we dont usually ruin it with jam, its loveliest on toast, especially when it gets all hot and runny and drips down your arm.

Back in the 60.s, and the best brand has always been SunPat, it used to be really oily, you had to stir the layer of oil that rested on the top in.
In recent years however, it has gotten rather dry and hard to swallow, so I stopped eating it so much, but then it occurred to me to buy Peanut oil, which I pour on the top and stir in, and now its just as oily as it used to be!

You screwed up a lot of times if he had six angry episodes in one morning.

Historically when I'm asked for PBJ it has been fully described in its entirety: "Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich." There have never been any need for formal discussions over truncated versions of the term as none have ever been used, hence my presumption that the variant was meant to be taken at face value. After this morning's episode, I now know that I have to question these details lest I be held in violation of some other future culinary offence!

Thank you for sharing your experience with peanut butter. It is always fascinating to me to see how people on the other side of the globe have similar yet so varied ways of life in those ever so little details

Gee thanks for telling me something I've already beaten myself up over today.

Well, ha, things like this always depends on whether you're an NT or not ( ). I know you're an Aspie but wasn't getting at you, I was just getting at the double standard answers people throw at you.

If an NT asked an Aspie to make them a peanut butter sandwich and the Aspie does exactly what they're told, only to find out after making the NT the sandwich, that the NT wanted something else with it. The Aspie asks somebody for an answer and it will be ''it was your fault, you should have asked first if they wanted anything with it.''

But if an Aspie asked an NT to make them a peanut butter sandwich, and the NT did exactly what they're told, only to find out after making the Aspie the sandwich, that the Aspie wanted something else with it. The Aspie asks somebody for an answer and it will be ''it was your fault, you can't expect everyone to read your mind, you should have said you wanted something else in the sandwich.''

But, the most fair answer (without using the usual stupid ''the NT is always right'' double standard) I can think of is, if a person always has something else in a peanut butter sandwich then I suppose you automatically make them how they always have it. But if they don't always have the same every time, then it's not the person making the sandwich fault. And this same answer should apply, whoever is Aspie and whoever is NT.

You did not "screw up." If anything, I think you were too tolerant of abysmal behavior. Being upset is not an excuse for being uncivil.

As for the sandwich, I guess it depends on what you're used to. To me, peanut butter kind of needs something to help it go down, as just the PB and bread by themselves are like swallowing a wad of cardboard. Jelly seems like the traditional companion (personally, I prefer Orange Marmalade or Strawberry Jam). However, I have known a few adults (and children) who would actually get upset if they asked for a Peanut Butter sandwich and you gave them anything other than Peanut Butter and bread.

There's just no pleasing some people.

A couple of quick observations:

1.
I have never, ever heard anyone in any circumstance call a peanut butter and jelly sandwich a "peanut butter sandwich."

PB&J, yes. Peanut butter, no.

And: peanut butter cookies don't have jelly or jam in them. And: I have known plenty of people who wanted a sandwich that consisted of bread and peanut butter only. And: http://www.today.com/id/35928705/#.UnghPJRgZVo

Husband is wrong in this matter.

2.
Pursuant to Angry Episode #1 "I yell at him to stop stomping." --No point. He can't hear you. He is seeing the world through a red haze and is showing maximal self restraint by not kicking a hole in the wall. Now is not the time and the downstairs neighbors can go F themselves. Or move to idaho. You live in the big city, you get kids and dogs. Love it or leave it.

Angry episodes 2-4 are likely follow ons to (or continuations of, really) episode 1. Now is not the time to ask him to worry about picking up the toys--you can deal with that later, when he is not emotionally gone and out there. Perhaps DH can pick them up while you are getting DS to school? And then you can all talk about it unemotionally when you are sane, calm and present in the evening?

Perhaps DH could at this point also have made the sandwich? Or at least said to DS, "Hey--no problem I can add jelly right now."

I have this argument with my wife about our kids periodically. The thing I stress is this--there is no point in screaming at a child who is lying on their back, pounding their fists and feet on the floor and thrashing around like a mackerel on the deck. It's too late, that train left the station some time ago. Yes, you have to teach manners and consequences and respect for the neighbors, but this is not that time. Making demands right now only makes it worse. Reason has left the building. Best to wait for it to return before talking.

On the other hand, maybe my wife is right. I can only tell you that while I am basically a peaceful and reasonable person, I have on several occasions put my fist through a wall--both times when I was badgered about something well after I had already lost it. I don't see it as reasonable to ask that my children exercise more self control than I can.

What a good thing you all love each other! You can overcome your collective hurts and try to make it better next time.

Final thought: Monday mornings suck.

this is why I am ALWAYS asking for clarification and getting on people's nerves. I am betting the next time you get asked to make a peanut butter sandwich you will ask for clarification on whether or not it is assumed there should be jelly in it. I certainly would.

I am just thinking something, if both you and DS5 are on the spectrum that means you are not naturally flexible, so if something is a bit off, you are both likely to react badly to it. Wouldn't it make more sense for your husband to deal with things when they go a bit off kilter as I am assuming he is NT and as such naturally more adaptable to people's changing moods etc. without it affecting him adversely (because in your story both times when an action needed your husband to deal with your DS5 there was less meltdown. your son is not going to understand your special needs because he is a child so when you aren't able to bend around for him he may perceive it as lack of care on your part and meltdown because of it? - sorry if this is totally off, I'd hate to upset you further, just wondering if this sort of perspective may help is all, please ignore if not)

in this story, peanut butter was the straw that broke the camels back. don't feel bad, children are mad, they sometimes do things just to be awkward next time he may ask for a jelly sandwich or something...

O.P. you did everything right. Please console yourself. A PB sandwich is not a PBJ sandwich.

A Reeses Peanut Butter Cup would be utterly ruined with jam.

Not 100% sure about this. It seems like this is an experiment that might be worth performing.

That's natural. If someone wants a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, they should ask for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. If they ask for a peanut butter sandwich and are then handed a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, then that is not what was requested.

It would be kind of like asking for a hamburger and being given a cheeseburger instead. While many people might like a cheeseburger, not everyone would appreciate it.

I prefer honey to jelly in my PB sandwhichs myself.

What you did was correct.

BTW, don't you dare add jelly to my peanut butter sandwich. I can have PB or Jelly but NOT both together.

At first I thought it was your husband who threw the tantrum, but it was your little kid!



If in your household's little 'corporate culture' peanut butter sandwiches are always eaten with jelly- and your little five year old son has only ever eaten-and only ever observed grownups ever eating- peanut butter sandwhiches WITH jelly- then its fair to assume that- that child would assume-that peanut butter sandwiches always come equiped with jelly.

So you wouldnt be able to blame the kid.

But if an adult superviser, or spouse, threw a fit like that for that reason then that would be unfair of that adult person to make that assumption.