Is this really my autism?

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I just don't get it, day after day.

I don't form social bonds with people. I'm not interested in people's lives, aside from the stuff that has to do with my special interests. I don't exchange relational emotions in my relationships and am taken aback by people focusing the conversation on me and asking about my life, my feelings, etc. I feel most comfortable when conversations are personally and emotionally detached.

However, I meet others who are supposedly on the spectrum who seem to enjoy doing just that... to have personal conversations, to chit-chat about people's lives and random things that are minute in the grand scheme of things, being able to experience social bonding, etc.

If this is not my autism, then what is making me this way?

Well, yeah I'd say that is the autism and not something else because that sounds like lack of emotional (maybe also social reciprocity) which is one of the first listed symptoms.

Others on the spectrum that you meet who are better with that might have a milder case or just milder social communication deficits. I know you're fairly high functioning but others can still be milder....some might just be borderline cases.

I guess I happen know a large number of these borderline cases, then, or they're faking it by using social scripts etc.

It's really annoying because it's exactly what puts me off in conversations. I don't understand how they can stand faking social reciprocity like that for such extensive periods of time; it would make me feel extremely anxious, bored, and drained.

Last edited by MathGirl on 07 Jan 2014, 7:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

^^^
It'd be exhausting but I wish I had the ability to do it better and not smile and laugh ect. at inappropriate times for job interviews, making connections ect.

I "fake it" a lot at these times. Normally I'm vacantly smiling and nodding. If you were to quiz me after a personal conversation, I would probably fail. This takes a lot of practice.

I would argue that the use of scripts is not "faking it." I use scripts out of courtesy to the other person (the NT), so that her or she will feel comfortable with me.

When I use a script, I work to find myself engaged in what the other person is saying. That is where I'm not being fake at all. I am trying to enter their world. It's tiring, but it's important for creating social bonds. It's also necessary if I am to live in on the NT Planet.

This is definitely a better way of phrasing it.

HIGH FUNCTIONING does NOT = MILD

Being able to mask a handicap does not mean that the handicap is less severe. Do not minimize the struggles of others just because their difficulties are not as immediately apparent. That's essentially the same as the NT attitude that says "You can't be autistic, because you aren't ret*d."


That kind of "Your problems aren't real problems because I can't see them" attitude is the very reason the Aspie suicide rate is so high. I know that was not your intent, but I really find the word "mild" to be an insult.

Which is why (I might add) even with my scripts and attention to body language, I am still an Aspie. I have modified my behavior but not my identity. I am very tired at the end of the day.

Because survival.

Hmm, I'm usually so fixated on particular things tht my mind zones out immediately. And when people ask questions about me, it can feel intrusive and similar to people touching me without permission, so my mind stalls like in an overload. That's why I don't see how this can be done, at least for me, without faking it. I find their world too overwhelming and too fast to handle.

I guess we all just have different capacities. I also don't like the term high functioning and I don't think I am really all that high functioning, I've just learned really good coping strategies over the years.

The same is very true of me. Usually I am lost in my own train of thoughts and it can be very intrusive (also annoying) when people try to pull me out of it. It's actually very difficult to pull me out unless people say my name directly.
The scripts that I tend to follow (smiling and nodding) while looking in the person's general direction were formed after many people got upset with me because it seemed as though I didn't care about them personally. For me, this is one of my coping strategies because people want you to give them fair and equal attention. It has to be reciprocal.

Can you at least say, "Hello, how are you?" "Nice weather we're having." "How is your family?" "Where are you from?" Etc. That's all you need for a start.

Yeah, I can smile and nod for a while if someone wants to talk about something and I'm not very interested. I agree that it has to be reciprocal and, as long as the person just wants to monologue about something, it's pretty easy to smile and nod. I try to make sure that the conversation is stirred toward something me and the other person are both interested in, though, so that it can truly be reciprocal.

I've done it numerous times in the distant past and even recently. All of these situations were very awkward because i ask these questions in a flat monotone and then can't continue the conversation with them so it just stalls. It feels very, very disturbing for me to ask these things. Why? Two reasons:
a) My mind will be wanting to escape and think its own thoughts, so I'm basically wilfully putting myself into the most painful and uncomfortable situation possible;
b) Because I don't want the person to ask these questions back to me, so I'm being a total hypocrite and not true to myself at all by doing this.

It's almost like hitting somebody but not feeling the vicarious pain - I do know that pain is unpleasant and I wouldn't want to give pain to someone else. Now, I know theoretically that asking these questions is not painful to the other person, but because it almost feels that way when people ask me these questions, it intrinsically doesn't feel right for me to ask these questions to someone else.

It makes sense that different people will have different degrees of mental openness and flexibility to enable them to do this to different degrees of comfort. I have ways of navigating these situations with NTs (I usually tell them directly or use implicit reinforcement techniques to guide the conversation in a desired direction - depending on the situation). However, I just find it strange when some people on the spectrum communicate this way and even seem to enjoy it. Based on the responses above, it seems like it probably doesn't come naturally to them.

I don't form social bonds with people either. I don't have a social instinct and I don't know how to fake social emotional reciprocity.
I do like being with my family though.

I hate having to talk about my feelings or being asked them. I don't put as much effort in a relationship to understand the other person, though I will do it in an analytic way. I really just want to better understand human behaviour and that's when I wonder about what a person means by doing or saying something or me guessing how something makes them feel.

I can do the small talk thing for a little while and the circumstances have to be right. If my head is in a bad state not only will I not be able to do it I'll probably be running away from people.