how people treat you

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I became friends with a slightly older man. We aren't in a relationship, and I don't want to be in one with him. However, both of us a little strange in a similar way, so we bonded. He even called be a couple of times at 2 AM because something was bothering him. I didn't mind because my sleep cycle is off and I was awake anyway. Then, he didn't contact me for a month. I asked him how close he really wanted to be, and he replied that he is a loner. From my point of view, if you call someone at 2 AM, you are supposed to be really close to that person, so saying you are a loner just doesn't work. I just had brunch with him just now, and for a few minutes during it, he was texting back and forth with a friend he is supposed to meet today at 5 PM. I took offense at that. I mean, I generally don't like when people look at their phones while interacting with me, but also I hadn't seen him for a month. He should be excited to see me. He said I was being too sensitive. He also sensed that I was off, and I was. I don't feel a connection to him anymore. I feel like he abandoned me and the guy that he is meeting at 5 PM is more important than I am. Does anyone have any comments on this?

I would also be a bit narked if someone kept fiddling with their phone while we were together -- I think that's just plain old rude. But did he have a good excuse, such as the bloke he was meeting was running late, or asking for directions, or they had to change venue at short notice and were trying to fix a place to meet, or something like that? If so, I'd probably make an exception (but I'd still be annoyed, secretly, because if it were me in that position, I'd make my apologies and try to sort it out in one phone call, then return to paying attention to my companion -- if only others were all as considerate as me ... ).

The phoning you at two am is more than a bit odd, unless it was an emergency (a mental health crisis or something like that). Like you, I would assume a fair degree of intimacy with someone before I felt able to do that.

All in all, and given his confession that he's a 'loner', he sounds like one of those people who will dance unpredictably in and out of your life as it suits him. If you can accept that or think that you can adjust your expectations of 'friendship' in this case (and some people are just like that, and don't mean any harm by it), then great.

I've had acquaintances like this, and they're puzzling at first, seeming to 'blow hot and cold', until you come to appreciate that this is their form of friendship and then you can start to regard it as a random but positive occurrence in your life. It is difficult for AS people to tolerate such capriciousness, though, but sometimes (and depending on the person) an element of the unexpected can be fun.

Otherwise if you really can't tolerate it then cut him loose: He probably won't feel the loss and nor (by the sound of it) will you.

Thanks. The problem is that I hate losing friends because I don't have enough to start with, so my issue is should I put up with this and remain angry or quit the friendship and have one less friend and get depressed over that. Yes, I know, quite a dilemma. I don't expect anyone to help me solve this one.

Thanks. The problem is that I hate losing friends because I don't have enough to start with, so my issue is should I put up with this and remain angry or quit the friendship and have one less friend and get depressed over that. Yes, I know, quite a dilemma. I don't expect anyone to help me solve this one.

Like I say, you could try adjusting your usual expectations of 'friendship' with this bloke, and see if you can put up with his randomness.

You're a very healthy person obviously, because you feel the right things and react in the right way - namely, you know he's using you. I was 40 when I discovered the dynamics of this kind of relationship. Yes, we aspies very often have to do with this kind of friendship or no friends at all. Nowadays, at my age, I put up with this kind of relationships, because I have no choice, I need someone to talk to sometimes, but I don't put my heart in them.

I am 45, so just about at the same age.

I let them think they use me, otherwise they'll leave, but I don't invest in being a true friend to them. Eg if they call me late at night because they need someone to talk to, if there's nothing in it for me I just don't answer the phone and when I talk to them again I tell them I didn't hear the phone because I was sleeping.

I have very concrete things I need from them which justify my tolerating being "used" as a filler, so I don't harbor much resentment and that way the relationship can continue for years. I never reproach anything, there's no point, the most I can get with a confrontation is the loss of the (unspoken) arrangement that is useful for both of us.

People very often treat you as good as your socioeconomic worth. If they see you as someone socially unsuccessful, they'll often feel that you're not worth much good treatment.

You just have to be careful not to have relationships where you act like a genuine friend while the other person acts like a user. For relationships with users, choose only people who have something you can use too.

I'd say he's just a bit of a dick and that you should stop wasting your valuable time and feelings on him.