I finally did it!

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I finally did something I've been contemplating for a while: Cut off contact with my family. I just told them straight up: It's over. They try to be nice and all, but I've come to conclude that they've been nothing but poison to me, no matter how helpful they think they've been.

Plus. I do like the idea of making such a tangible change. It's sort of nice not to be trapped in an eternal present.

I hate to see people split up because I do believe there is strength in numbers, still, I'm estranged from my family so I can relate. They're all on the east coast and I'm the only one out here.

Hopefully an amicable resolution can be reached along the way for both of us.

Then again, of all the family members, the one I told, my mum, was probably the one who deserved it the least. She has helped me in many ways, and I don't really blame her for using male pronouns because she's used to using them. I'm actually trying to plug my brain to remember what my grievance is against her.

The main grievance I can think of is my sister, who can be quite nasty to me. She told me things like, "You wouldn't make a very good girl," etc.

I think cutting off contact with everyone is just a way to make sure I can cut off contact with my sister.

I can say another reason: I've felt for the past year or more that I'm in an eternal present, of which my parents are but a fixture. This has made interaction with them very discouraging, even if they mean to help. To actually take down a fixture so easily feels like I'm actually exercising power in my life.

There's times I wish I could cut off contact with most of my family, other than my mom and dad. I don't relate to anyone else. I always feel worse about myself when I'm around them. I know that I can't make someone make me feel inadequate without my permission, but there's some things that have happened that bother me that I still think about, mainly regarding one of my older sisters.

Well, I made an amicable cut of the umbilical cord. I'm not cutting them out completely, but I will no longer visit; neither will I talk with them regularly. I handed them their apartment key and they gave me mine. We hugged and they said good luck. When I told my mum and dad how I thought I was stagnating and was trying to break old patterns so I wouldn't stagnate and so I was wanting us to go our separate ways, he said, You're going your separate way! We're not going anywhere! I didn't have an answer to that and kinda laughed, cuz that kinda response is so typical of dad.

Mum offered some groceries for me to take back, but I declined thinking, I gotta cut this off at some point. I promised them I would drop the occasional note to let them know how I'm doing. I then left. In the car, I began to weep bitterly because of the loss. I actually maintained a strong sense of vitality and sense of presence in the world, as well as a sense of being whole, as I mourned, and it seemed very cathartic. Lately, I'd just been having vague feelings of dysphoria along with a sense of exposure to the world and reduced presence, feelings that I would often feel as physical symptoms, like a burning in my stomach. I'm still kinda sad about the loss, and yet there does seem to be something very cathartic about it.

I went to the local trans group afterward to see what was up.

I do miss them already. Who will I have easygoing interactions with now? Who will I feel comfortable showing all kinds of stuff? It is sad, and I think my autism makes it harder. I'm watching Hanzawa Naoki, a Japanese TV show about a banker who gets falsely blamed for approving a bad loan and works to get back at the backstabbers and move up in the bank in the first part and he investigates another bad loan in the second part, and I'm pretty sure if my dad knew Japanese he would get a kick out of this show. I like his catchphrase, "If you screw me over, I'll screw you over back, multiple times over!"

It's just kinda sad.

Ugh. I'm back to feeling gender dysphoria. All those same feelings of becoming insubstantial also take effect. When can I break out of this cycle?

I took a benzo early this morning to get some sleep, as the pain was too much. I was able to get some good sleep and feel better. However, the pain is still there.

To help with the online debates over sex reassignment surgery, the ones that say that the person just needs counseling instead of the scapel, I was thinking of something. This Monday, I'm going to ask my psychologist these questions:

1.) Why hasn't therapy helped with my gender dysphoria, and why in fact has my gender dysphoria gotten worse?

2.) What else is available for fixing the gender dysphoria?

3.) Should I seek another psychologist to help with the gender dysphoria, specifically?

And so on and so forth. If he says something like surgery is needed to correct it, then I'll ask for his source. I will then use this information in such debates; with the presence of strong, credible sources, they wouldn't have much of a real argument against me.

It may also end up working to convince my company to cover it on our health plan.

I think that once you get yourself together and feel more secure within yourself you will be fine to reestablish relationships with your parents. They seem to be very loving and don't come across by what you said to be cutting off with you. Sounds like you just need some space to get yourself together and they will be there waiting for you when you want to come back to them. Once that happens your friendships with them will be better and stronger and more mature than they ever were. This is a good thing. And they understand they will be there when you are ready.

I know someone who had the surgery. I think it helped her feel better about herself but I don't think it miraculously solved all her problems. There is a danger that like with AS, one could 'hang' all the problems on the gender issue peg, when it doesn't really belong there - if you get my drift.

Edit: i know TWO someone's who had surgery! For both relationships seem to be impossible, they were both male to female transgenders but one has always been only interested in girls, whilst the other changed from females to males after the surgery. Statistically speaking, that's a lot of transgenders to know when I don't even have a single black acquaintance.. weird..

Second edit: I hope this doesn't turn out like that one time I claimed I didn't know any Indian people..whilst being friends at work with two - one of each gender and being a boss to third. How frikkin embarrassing, I am racially blind. Still can't think of anyone black I know at the moment.. oh yeah, except those people at work - *facepalm*

skibum,

Thanks. I've noticed that things seem a bit clearer since I did the break off. I do intend to get back with them at some point, but with a new style of relationship.

Thinking about this more. I think that my raging and my going around stirring up crap online about this issue relates to a tendency since early childhood of being like this:

Basically, ever since I was a kid my blood burn at the sight of injustice. I would even come up with angry fantasies of injustice, like one time in elementary school where I was in a segregated special ed classroom, I fantasized that the principal would decree that all the regular ed students would be kept from the special ed students permanently and in all situations, including those outside of school. Since my sister was in regular ed, this would mean that I would not be able to see her ever again. I then imagined becoming a hero and going up against my principal.

Basically, when I heard about sex reassignment surgery being offered elsewhere, but it being denied to me, as well as triggering gender dysphoria, it triggered that sense of injustice, which I've been struggling with.

I think this is at least somewhat tied into my affect dysregulation.