'Autistic freak' comment

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Hi, I was chatting to a woman on a dating site. I mentioned that I feel quite uncomfortable when talking on the phone in general, and she sent me the message below.

no you not wanting to talk on the phone makes me wonder if you are my autistic freak of an ex who is sad enough to stalk me on here.

At this point she didn't know that I'm on the autistic spectrum. Am I right to feel quite upset and annoyed at the comment even though it wasn't directly aimed at me (I'm not her ex)? Obviously I'm no longer interested in talking to her as she doesn't seem to be a nice person.

I'm noticing "autistic" being used as an insult lately, and it is getting really common too. Usually the person just means it to say jerk, or as*hole. Probably no way to turn it around.

It is very normal to be upset at any insulting comment. Decent people wouldn't make discriminatory remarks like that.

She sounds paranoid as well. I would stay away from her. If you want to keep talking to her, you could make a joke about it.

She does sound very mean. If I were you, I'd respond by saying,

"Actually, I have difficulties with many simple things because I am on the autistic spectrum -- Asperger's. It doesn't make me a freak. My mind is just wired differently. But I care about people deeply, and I've been chatting with you because I felt a connection."

That's what I would do. People need to know that we deserve respect and understanding. (Of course, I'd still dump her.)

I like that option.

That, or tell her you have an autistic brother/sister/cousin/friend, whom you do not think of as a freak at all, and you're not interested in continuing a relationship with an insensitive, unkind person.

Because, frankly-- What a b***h.

You never know. She might have been traumatized by her past experiences. NT people aren't all "normal", they're full of issues, too. Either way you know she's not for you. At least you didn't waste much time.

Most girls love talking on the phone, so not wanting to talk is a big red flag for them. They'd wonder if you're hiding something. It's better to be honest and tell them why.

Anyone who feels the need to refer to you as an "autistic freak" is not someone I would want to hang around. She's probably not that enlightened about the world anyway.

@HauntedKnight: You are right to feel offended. I think that you should cut off all contact with her, without any explanation, and seek friendships elsewhere.

You deserve better.

She deserves nothing.

I agree with Alex, paranoid and insensitive, she probably spells trouble to anyone, let alone an aspie.

Go tell her "I may be autistic, but I'm not your 'ex"" Call her on the phone- maybe she'll relax.
But if she insults you OVER THE PHONE, Don't take it. It'd be better to loose it then to come face to face with her.
Best to call her on the phone in a public place.

Trying to keep it rational.

Don't forget to tell her that they also have cancer. They're in constant despair because of it, and have attempted suicide several times, one of which left them with a bad neck-scar. And you also showed them her "autistic freak" comment and now they're really pissed off at her.

Not that her comment was appropriate, but don't forget that she's harboring hateful feelings towards her ex.

If he had a stumped leg, or was bipolar, or anything else, then in all likelihood she would have used that condition as part of her insult. It may not be autistics in general, but just her ex-husband.

The comment still sucks, but yeah.

I think that's shocking. I can't stand it when ex-partners of autistics claim that we're all a***holes, or that we all think like this or that, just because they had a bad time.

I agree with the others that she probably has issues of her own. It looks like she was trying to challenge you with a manipulative tact i.e. "You're an autistic freak if you don't call me".

And if you do try to explain things to her, you don't want a bad reaction. So yeh, I would cut out all contact.

Where have you seen it being used as an insult? I´ve never heard it being used as an insult neither in Sweden nor in Spain or on American TV.

Sometimes nice people--well-meaning people, fundamentally decent people--say stupid things.

In this case, it's hard to know if she is a basically good person who said a dumb thing or a nasty person you want nothing to do with.

I think I would put her in the "might be an a**hole" category and give her a chance to deal with it, if she wants to. Only if it's completely clear that she is a nasty person would I cut off all contact.

This could be a "teachable moment." You may be the one who opens her mind to how nasty what she said really is and, in doing that, you may help her to be a better person and the world to be a better place.

I have to say though, if she is saying "you might be my ex" -- that sounds like a person you might not want to spend a lot of time with. You obviously are not her ex. That she has picked up on your unique qualities as a human being suggests that she is not very observant and treats relationships and communication as being dramas centered on her. Not very mutual. Not something worth pursuing.