Dealing with social hierarchy at the job?

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Hi.

I've run into problems because I haven't respected the social hierarchy at work enough - they've gotten really mad at me and went against me through mocking - all together against me! I had to stay away from my job for almost 2 weeks, and I thought I'd never come back. But it would look bad if I did not, so I did go back and tried to fit into the social hierarchy better.

I've realised all this happens everywhere because we have disagreeable social preferences. I have the social needs of a cat, whereas they have the social needs of a dog.

They think in terms of a social hierarchy. One should take punches from above and give punches to those below (verbal punches).

But I need my independence, and when they verbally punch me in order to obey, I feel terrible, because it violates my feeling of independece (i.e. being dominated). So does verbally punching others (i.e. being dominant).


Because of my job position I'm lowest in the hierarchy currently, which means I am to accept most punches from the largest number of persons.

So the issue is: they want me to be submissive/dominant according to what person I'm interacting with. The problem is I consider all persons of equal worth, so I don't want to treat others or be treated that way.

How does one resolve this conflict at the job?

I don't think you can resolve around it. The neurotypical business paradigm revolves entirely around bullying, nepotism and one-upmanship.

The best coping mechanism is to remember the reason you're stagnating in your position is probably not because of your weaknesses, but because of your strengths.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dilbert_principle

So if I want to keep my job I'll simply have to put up with being treated as a less-being?

We've been through this conversation before.

So I'll repeat in summary form what I said to you last time.

Work hierarchies are not only NOT meant to be based on bullying, but bullying is normally specifically contrary to the company's policy on employee behaviour.

Therefore your options are:

1) Make a formal complaint to the HR department
2) Put up with it
3) Get into a fight (which will lead to instant dismissal, but may make you feel better)
4) FIND ANOTHER JOB

(Also, and I merely suggest this as a possibility because you stated that you felt that your boss should treat you as his equal, is it not at least hypothetically possible that you are perceived as arrogant? This would normally attract bullying behaviour. Therefore I put it to you that (just maybe) the situation could be alleviated somewhat by a relatively minor adjustment to your personal attitude?)

It's just that I did not fully believe this could have such a huge impact on their perception of me.

I've tried acting more submissive. It helps a lot. But it bothers me to act as if I'm not worth the same as them.

I don't try to come off as arrogant. I just don't think I or they are worth more or less than I am. You cannot put a prize tag on me, I'm a human being, that's all I'm saying!

Thanks for your help. I guess I'll put up with it for as long as necessary and then find a new job.

It is possible that you have mistaken the work chain-of-command hierarchy for a social hierarchy. A small group can be completely non-hierarchical but a large organization and pretty much any company does need to have a hierarchy. This doesn't mean that the people lower down the hierarchy are "less than". It just means they are lower down in the hierarchy. As I read your various threads about your job I wonder if you are taking the work hierarchy personally and thinking it has something to do with your value as a human being. It doesn't. It's just a way to organize very large groups of people so things get done.

You don't have to take verbal abuse from your boss but you do have to take orders. And if you move up the hierarchy, you have to give orders. But orders aren't abuse.

Aspies often get misunderstood as being arrogant. Sometimes with more justification than others.

Yup. Pretty much.

Heres how it works, the theory at least, is that the invisible hand of the market is supposed to 'protect' your workplace rights by allowing you to 'vote with your feet' and going to work for someone else if your current employer treats you shoddily.

The paradox though is, some of these larger, ubiquitous employers thrive by exploiting and specifically targetting people in localities with fewer or no realistic work alternatives. Thats how they get away with treating their employees like crap. This phenomenon is taken to its absolute conclusion in places like Indian call centres and Thai sweatshops. The chances are, if you already work for a large (therefore successful powerful employer) company and are being treated badly you've been pre-selected as a demographic for poor workplace treatment and exploitation.

Your choices are four fold-

1) Move to a town or city with better employment prospects
2) Try to 'fake' NT style behaviour, grease up to the management clique and hope you get selected for promotion
3) Unionise your colleagues from the grassroots, and fight for better workplace conditions in your place of employment.
4) Start your own business (probably the most risky of the four).

Last edited by thomas81 on 20 Nov 2013, 2:54 pm, edited 3 times in total.

They demand to be allowed to verbally abuse me too. That's definitely how I perceive it.

They all agree on this, so I cannot fight back at one person, because they will all back that person up and get at me - since I'm just a student employee surrounded by common employees and a lot of bosses.

I think it may be useful to join a group, get a therapist or similar where you can discuss each encounter as they arise. If you can develop skills for each situation then you will increase your ability to deal with the social to and fro. Just as a general topic of social hierarchy; yes they do, and they always do, but that doesn't help much with specific encounters. Another option is to get a job with a different social culture, where you just mind your own business and tell people to get f****d when they're in your face. In this context your social skills don't have to be so sophisticated.

in my experience, complaining to the HR department is useless at best, and counter intuitive at worst.

Its like complaining to the bully about the bullying.

Exactly. This would only put me in a worse situation.

Everybody agrees people should be bullies at work. They're insane!

The problem is that it IS very hard to believe even though we can see that they're reacting that way. But it is very true that they feel threatened. I didn't learn this until I was over 50. I read a book called "Corporate Confidential" by Cynthia Shapiro that spelled it out clearly and made me able to see the other side and the reasons that managers see something as small as an expressed opinion as a threat. Don't get me wrong, I don't think it's right but it has to do with the current litigious culture and overcautious companies protecting themselves. The book also spells out clearly what not to do so you can avoid being sidelined and getting fired or laid off.

I thought I understood workplace politics enough to get by. I thought there was some leeway for being opinionated and slightly bossy and critical of company policies. There really isn't anymore. In the past you would be mentored and told the truth about what you did wrong, but no more, now you are quietly shuffled out with an excuse about "lack of work" or "position eliminated".

I can't find a torrent of the book but it's worth buying or can be found at the library.

I wish I had read it when I was younger and tearing my hair out (not literal!) after another layoff.