On reflection

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I feel that I probably don't have an ASD.

I have asked for my profile to be deleted but don't know when that will happen.

I just wanted to say thank you for letting me post here and it was very nice to converse with some of you.

Have a Merry Xmas when it gets here.

Well, it was nice knowing you.

Before you go, what led you to this conclusion?

Well I am surprised by this, given some of your posts.

However, may I say - whatever you do, I wish you the very best, and I hope all goes well for you.

I am not sure. I think that I am probably a bit too emotional for someone with an ASD and I wonder if some of my issues might not just be trauma manifesting itself in strange ways. Although my symptoms have always been with me I did have a rocky family history from the start. Combine that with my wobbly development when I was growing up (being older than my physical age in some ways and younger in others Ie advanced moral development but emotionally immature) and well it may well just be that my inability to cope with my somewhat overly intense emotions are down to that.

I wonder if I use my routines and samenesses as a way of inducing a feeling of stability in what to me is, and always has been, a somewhat confusing world. Because of my development I thought and acted differently to my peers and could not understand their way of thinking as it was so different to mine. Add in the rocky family life along with people behaving in a way that did/does not make sense to me and well you have one child (and adult) that may well cling to their routines in order to help them cope and to enable them to feel secure.

My hobbies I adore and I feel that I am more passionate about them than obsessed. People can argue obsessed if they like but I love them greatly and am very attached to the collections I have in relation to them. I don't think that is obsession. It may well be that they fill a void in my life, a replacement for my lack of a social life maybe?

My inability to connect with people means I feel great loneliness even in company...maybe I have some kind of personality disorder or another mental health issue? It is not that I don't want to connect, I do want to connect, but I cannot, because I don't or can't relate to the majority of people. Here is the paradox...I love my own company, I love when I can potter around by myself doing my own thing in my own way and indulging my hobbies etc but I hate not having any bonds in my life. I can form bonds even if I can't relate to people in certain ways. Ergo I feel lonely. I am not sure if people with ASDs feel lonely as such.

Plus I seem to get wound up more than most people seem to on this board. I think maybe I am not always logical enough. I mean logically it makes sense not to respond to nasty comments online and yet time and time again I make the same damned mistake. I think I am stuck in some kind of time loop whereby I keep repeating the same social errors but never seem to resolve them no matter how many lessons I am given or receive. You'd think my brain would get it already...

I feel like Bill Murray in GroundHog Day

Perhaps I have an emotional disorder that makes me easy to manipulate. If my intellect or logic was more in charge then I probably would have stopped responding to it by now. Instead my emotions take over which is probably not good if they are still immature (i have no idea if they ever grew up or not) or I have a mood disorder.

Last edited by bumble on 23 Nov 2013, 6:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The idea that autistic people are less emotional and more logical is a stereotype. It's not true, and often what people assert as logic (NT, NaT,whomever) is not logic at all.

Also, it's clear whatever the source of your difficulties, you have a lot in common with autistic people (assuming you are not autistic). There's no requirement to be autistic to post here.

I don't want to sound rude, but it sounds as though you have constructed an idea of what the 'autistic you' should look like, and then measured yourself against it. Nothing you've described would rule out ASD in my mind. As the saying goes: "If you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism."

I wouldn't be so hasty in your case (particularly as it sounds like some personal reactions to people on this board are colouring your feelings) -- I'd particularly note that while you're discounting ASDs you are countenancing mood disorders and personality disorders! -- but it's your choice, after all.

Personally, if you're after a clear answer on the matter, I can't see why you don't go down the diagnostic route.

I enjoy your posts. I only have aspie traits but I feel comfortable here. I hope you reconsider.

If I can get officially tested I will accept going that route but it depends on whether the NHS would be willing to test a 38 year old with a mental health diagnosis of Depression and social anxiety. They tend to be a bit stubborn. Unless I can pay to get it done privately but that depends on how much it costs and if I can find a dr who specialises in ASD's locally.

A part of me would like to know...It would explain a lot but on saying that so would a combination of personality disorders and mood disorders combined with elements of OCPD. I doubt OCD as I did actually have a run of that when I was medicated on antidepressants (damned side effects) and it was completely different. I like my routines now, I hated the compulsions I had with OCD. They were against my will and unwanted (I had no desire to want to repeatedly flick light switches for example) and it drove me nuts. I can still have obsessive thoughts I think (maybe related to my depressed mood right now in that my brain has convinced itself I will be alone forever...something I keep ruminating on) but I have no compulsions as such. I seek out my routines and samenesses and I miss them when they are changed. I grieve for them actually which is probably weird or the result of some strange attachment disorder (i get attached to inanimate objects too...they may as well be people. I even talk to them sometimes...*ahem*. It's ok, I know they can't answer back and I don't expect them to! In fact it would worry me if they did unless it was one of those talking dolls or something).

Ie I have had my tickle for so long (the silky piece of material I rub) that if I don't have it to rub when I want to rub it I either can't settle or feel upset. I also must have my tickle to sleep at night and pandemonium will break out if I can't find it! I will turn the house upside down looking for that piece or a spare one (I know that is weird for a 38 year old). I don't think something bad will happen if I don't rub my tickle, I just really like rubbing my tickle and like to rub it when I feel like it. I can do it more when I am stressed but its not really a stress thing as such, I just like the sensation in the same way that I sniff leather when I come across it because I like the smell of it (I do like certain odours but then so do many people...leather, coffee and a mans natural scent come to mind...i do wish men would stop using smelly stuff that hides their natural scent and for the love of god please stop shaving everything..some body hair is supposed to be there, leave it alone, its natural..! !! !!)

Plus my love of routine was there before the stuff I identify as OCD (the nasty unwanted stuff). In my mothers words (who is now deceased) "you used to have to watch scooby doo at the same time each day otherwise you would have a tantrum from hell..."

I have not changed much then, although I don't watch scooby doo these days. I am tempted though. I have an app on my pc that has all of the episodes, although I really want one with Spiderman (the best superhero ever!! I love spidey! Spiderman Spiderman does whatever a spider can. Spidey is funny).

When it comes to scooby, I just hate the ones with scrappy in. "Puppy power" Arrghhhhhhh get me the cartoon dog shot gun.....those meddling cartoonists ruined it when they brought scrappy in. It was an awesome cartoon until then!

My OCD stuff (complusion to flick light switches and count things etc) started much later in my late teens when they put me on antidepressants and it made me miserable, not happy. Then again maybe it is the same thing but manifesting differently? I listen to the same song over and over though (for example) because I want to and I enjoy it, not because I have to because I feel compelled or I think something bad will happen.

I am have been playing Roxette and it must have been love for the last 45 minutes. The other day it was the power of love by Jennifer Rush and before that Total eclipse of the heart by bonny tyler.

However, my liking of routine could still be OCPD.

If they offer me tests I will take them but I am still not sure it is an ASD.

The NHS can be a bit stubborn, true, but if you bring the matter up with your GP repeatedly, you should eventually get referred to a diagnostic clinic. For perspective, I was 36 and suffering from depression when I sought diagnosis -- I had to be persistent, but it happened, I can't comment on your personal circumstances, but I will say that they don't sound inherently incompatible with an ASD diagnosis.

This, though:



Is a sure-fire route to nothing happening.

They will not simply 'offer' you ASD diagnostic tests. You have to actively pursue them. Don't let your personal passivity/avoidance conflict/uncertainty about ASDs put you off -- press the matter with your GP on every available opportunity, or you will get nowhere and end up stuck with a bunch of diagnoses that are chosen from the limited palate available to non ASD specialists (i.e., the average psychiatrists down at your local mental health unit).

Such experience of pseudodiagnosis, which frequently varies over time given whatever subset of your characteristics they are examining at any given moment,, is not uncommon on the path to ultimate ASD diagnosis and usually features such labels being applied to you as 'borderline personality disorder', 'generalised social anxiety disorder' etc etc. If you find that this pattern applies to your treatment, it's usually a pretty good sign that the psychiatrists are dealing with something outside their area of expertise -- and this ever-changing variety of diagnoses can itself be strongly persuasive to your GP when seeking formal ASD diagnosis.

Whatever path you choose to pursue, I wish you all the best.

Social issues could be social anxiety. I don't suffer too much with embarrassment as I think people get embarrassed over strange things sometimes...like knocking a cup of coffee over. Umm this can happen a lot, so much to me in fact I joke about it if I am meeting with someone. I tell them not to wear white or their best outfit as I can be a bit on the clumsy side sometimes. I am also prone to walking into things, including lamp posts and people in crowded city centers. Ergo the name bumble which my dad gave me growing up...a bumbling clumsy not so graceful child

I do however get blank brain issues, which I think social anxiety people get too. Maybe I find socialising tiring for that reason. Plus (and no offense intended to the general population) people rattle on about stuff that sends my brain to sleep sometimes. I try to stay with them but my brain keeps nipping off to do something more interesting whilst they witter away. I have tried to stay with people but I have the concentration span of a goldfish with Alzheimer's when I am not interested in something (amazing concentration when I am...). I can get stressed when socialising though due to all the complaints people make:

Answer someone when they speak to you
Look at me when I am speaking to you/you are speaking to me
Change the subject
Shut up and let people get a word in edgewise
You are too quiet
You are unfriendly
You are stuck up
You are too aloof
You are boring
Do you mind if I interrupt your monologue please (this made me titter, it was funny lol).
Are you deaf (I can't hear what people are saying over background noise)
Can you not wander off please (I get distracted by interesting things or thoughts and forget to tell people sometimes)
Can you pay attention please (talk about something interesting then!)
You are weird
You are too odd
You are a bit eccentric aren't you
You are strange
Don't stare at people
Who you looking at? (um no one, I was looking past them at something else, paranoid much?)

It gets irksome after a while, complaint after complaint after complaint after complaint.

No wonder I get stressed when socialising. An evening of socially interaction making chit chat with a group of people and all I can do is come home and sleep...and sleep...and sleep...then eat...then sleep again.

I wish i didn't need bonds...socialising is hell on earth a lot of the time!

OCPD could explain my love of routine, although others don't have to adhere to my routines, I just don't like them changed or unexpectedly disrupted. I also hate people just turning up and expecting me to stop what I am doing to socialise. And yet another complaint..."will you answer your phone please/you don't answer the door"

I was busy and not expecting a phone call or visitor...next time arrange a time then! See could be OCPD

On saying that I don't mind sometimes if I am in social mode, it can be a nice to have someone drop by but I have to be feeling like making chitty chat with people.

Attachment disorder of some kind would explain my weird attachment to inanimate hobbies and my collections. The latter could also be hoarding although i do not collect useless items (not my mind anyway). I just collect stuff related to my hobbies.

Depression could explain some of the other symptoms i guess (ie intense emotions and emotional upsets and hitting my head? Although I think the therapist I spoke to on the phone this morning thought that was weird. She says I have a complex presentation whatever that means. Perhaps I confused her...it is much easier for me to communicate in writing. Unless I am in babble mode where I talk incessantly about something I have suddenly become interesting in babbling on and on about I can tend to have trouble finding my words and spitting them out...so I come across as either backwards or ditzy. People think I am slow and keep talking to me slowly like they think I have learning disabilities...). I also kept talking over her on the phone and had to keep stopping myself to say "I am sorry, what were you going to say?". Must learn not to speak until they have finished speaking!

Some of it may be related to my developmental differences.

My sensitivities I don't know...very sensitive person?

I am obsessing over it again I think as well, probably because its therapy time once they arrange my face to face appointment!

It is hard to tell really isn't it?

Thank you.

Is it worth pushing with the therapist or do I need to push my gp for testing?

Thank you, I will sleep on it as they say.

One thing about Aspies, it seems to me, is that we don't have much empathy for other people. But what does that mean... really? I think it means that we just naturally aren't into other people's stories that much. NT's follow ALL of their friend's businesses. Their phones are buzzing when someone gets a new pair of shoes, or starts parting their hair on the other side... and they know all of the drama that got them to make those changes. Most Aspies can't really follow the ins and outs of other people's lives like that. To NTs that inability makes them feel that we don't like them.

And here you are bumble deciding that, "Heck... I'm not really one of them... so bye." Even though you have been posting twice a day for going on three years?

Sure many people and threads here are really are all about "am I or am I not an Aspie?" And lots of discussions are about getting a diagnosis or not, or what the therapist, said or didn't say. But I believe that if you had all the money you could ever need, but went for a diagnosis to ten psychiatric diagnosticians, they would all have different dxs, and they would all want to prescribe some sort of medication, and have you come back in two weeks... "to see how you are doing." In other words, your insights into how you relate to others and the world isn't going to change if you spend money for someone to tell you if they think you are an Aspie.

Yes, you could be suffering from some highly-individual complex of OCDP, attachment disorder and depression, but the simplest explanation is that all those characteristics have one root cause.

Also, given the personal interpretations you attract (as you have listed) would tend to suggest a personal outlook that is unrelated to all these possibilities.

I'm not here to tell you that you an ASD, but in light of the above, I don't think it's a possibility that you should abandon purely because of how you feel at the moment. Because, having been prevalent throughout your life, they're hardly likely to just 'go away' of their own accord.

Well I don't want to intrude on your territory if I do not have an ASD. Not that I mind the company of people with ASDs. Actually, in the most part I find most of you interesting and lovely to talk to. Mostly those with an ASD have a much easier communication style for me to get on with than NTs. The majority have very good spelling and grammar as well, a rare treat on the internet these days.

Intelligent souls with a good sense of humour.

As Verdandi above noted I guess I don't have to be autistic to post here but at the same time I'm also aware that some aspies don't like people who are self diagnosed or undiagnosed.

I rarely know when someone has new shoes. I don't really follow that stuff. I am interested in people but more so in their general welfare than anything else (ie if I see someone struggling with their shopping and a door I will step in to help!). I never know the local gossip so I am not the person to come to for that but I may be useful when it comes to cross stitching techniques instead (cross stitching was my main hobby for 6 years).

And true, spending money for a diagnosis won't change the way my brain works or who I am.

For the record it CAN be fairly easy to get a diagnosis from the NHS (or at least a referral for one, the diagnosis part is obviously not a simple matter and takes a while). I went to my GP armed with reams of information and brought two family members along with me to support my argument. I outright told the GP "I want a referral to somebody who specialises in ASDs so I can be tested" and was given the referral first time. The consultant psychiatrist I saw was very knowledgeable about ASDs and he did the diagnosis himself (primarily using the DISCO assessment). That psychiatrist actually admitted that the area I lived in at the time had some of the WORST provision for ASDs and that if I wanted any support I ought to move. The area I live in now apparently has a much better diagnosis pathway and much more support.

Perhaps you should look into an NHS diagnosis some more before writing the idea off. For every horror story there is a story with a quick, easy, positive outcome like mine.