Acceptance

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My name is Danica and I have Asperger's. The Biggest problem that I have faced in my life is not accepting who I am, while pretending to be someone else, someone normal, ignoring the "challenges" that I obviously struggle with in daily life - as if they are not a "problem". Well it is, a huge one, one that has gotten me in trouble.... more times than I care to remember.

I forget items on a list that I look at, my brain will actually skip over one or two words. I have to remind myself to check produce before buying it (the number of times I have come home with rotten food, or packaged food that was open is fairly up there) I have to remind myself not to forget anything after I pay for it, and I always have to check to make sure my wallet is with me and not left behind somewhere. (Did that once this summer, almost did it the other week! Worse feeling in the world let me tell you)

I havent loved or accepted myself in years. I have allowed my self to be hurt, physically, mentally and emotionally far longer than any NT would allow. Why? For the sake of being accepted, not as who I really am, but for an idea of who I think these people want me to be.

Are any of you struggling with the same thing? It would be nice to hear from you all

Danica, Welcome to Wrong Planet.

One key to acceptance is understanding what our issues are and why they happen. The third paragraph tells me you seem to have identified what some of them are and you have started to take action by coming here which is a good start.

What you described in the 2nd paragraph sounds like issues with Executive Function which is common in people with Aspergers. I am quite familiar with these problems. According to the Brief A Test 90% of the people are better then me in Executive Function abilities. Skipping items in lists I do that. I am really happy my head comes attached to my body otherwise I would have lost it a long time ago. Here is a brief discussion of what Executive Function is
http://learningdisabilities.about.com/o ... _funct.htm

Trying to "fit in" to the world. When we are are 1 of 88 there is little choice at times. Everybody here has tried to do that. Acting by playing the part of a neurotypical, masking issues, not being ourselves is exhausting and damaging. When you are exhausted you make mistakes and what executive functioning you do have deteriorates a lot. The efforts you made to correct the problem by making lists etc goes for naught.

My advice. Be an NT as little as possible Take as much time as possible to find out who the real aspie you is. You have been burying her and she is screaming "let me out". For the executive function issues take frequent short breaks to recharge.

Welcome again and good luck.

Acceptance has been easy.

It's not accepting it that was hard for me.
It was forgiving myself.

I know that I make all sort of mistakes and screw things up if I'm not careful, and even sometimes when I am.
Learning to forgive myself for those things was one of the most difficult things I've ever done.

Once I did, however, I found that I was more productive, less prone to screw ups, and generally not as depressed as I was before.

You should try forgiving yourself for your flaws and mistakes, you deserve it.
Cut youself some slack, stop beating yourself up for just being who and what you are.
It's not your fault.

If it helps, I forgive you for being an aspie like me.

Kinda, yes. Don't worry; once you realise that no matter what you do or how hard you try, no one will accept you.... You just end by accepting that. Forget about the people; they don't care anyway. No one cares about anybody.

Yeah, you gotta get past that, it will make you old before your time.

Here's the deal, Danica - your brain is wired differently than most, and you literally cannot be like everyone else, because you do not see the world through the same lens that they do. Because the entire world appears to you differently than it does to them, your experiences and thought processes are fundamentally different.

It can be helpful to try to get a sense of how and why the neurotypicals think and behave the way they do, so you at least understand where they're coming from (and that's more than most of them will ever do for you), but their behavior will always seem strange and pointless, just as you will always seem strange and inexplicable to them.

But that's perfectly okay. Even though our unique perspective often makes functioning in their society difficult and confusing, we can still offer an insight that they would never have otherwise, because they are incapable of seeing things from our point of view.

You should never feel you have to put on a front and pretend to be someone you aren't just to be accepted. The people who don't accept you as you are aren't worth bothering with. Granted, that may shrink your pool of potential friends considerably, but trust me, it's better to bond with one friend who gets you, than ten shallow pretenders who will lie, manipulate, use and then abandon you at their own convenience.

There are far worse things in life than being alone. Like making yourself miserable trying to live up to someone else's expectations.

Acceptance is like a hot cup of tea in winter. It brings solace, comfort and relaxation. It also brings in a new, exciting myriad of possibilities. It's the best thing that ever happened to me. Instead of shame, self-blame, other-blame, guilt there's now the challenge of life with my own beloved strong and weak points. The road to acceptance took almost 5 decades, having known none of it in my family, which behaves as family only to those that suit their hidden agendas.

I'm still learning acceptance. In the few times I've exercised it, though, I've felt better. When I have aspie-like moments that used to embarass me, I now have a tendency to shrug it off and chalk it up to AS. It's easy to move on that way.

I have struggled with this for a very long time. It has been very recently that I have had the confidence to start doing things that I believe are right instead of looking for someone to tell me what to do so. I am slowly starting to accept the fact that I will never be what society wants me to be, but I can build a life that I find acceptable, and I can invite a few people that I like and who care about me into that life. As an adult, let's face it, how many people have a significant impact on us? My close circle gets smaller and smaller the older I get. Society doesn't care about me. I am just another nameless person trying to survive except I am more than that to the people who love me.

A few years ago, I made a conscious decision to let people see me as I am, just gave it a shot to see what would happen. That has helped me.

I also do a lot of soul searching trying to figure out what I believe instead of what I am supposed to believe or do. This helps me as well. Once I know what I believe, I can live by my beliefs.

As far as society goes, I follow the law and I do try not to do things that draw too much attention to me (positive or negative). Then I go back into my cave (figuratively) where it is safe.