I always hurt people who get close to me

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It seems that I always hurt anyone who gets close to me.
Firstly, being an Aspie, I hardly, if ever, have friends. But even when I do have friends, I find it very hard to take the friendship forward, maintain it, and keep it from being destroyed.
Thinking about it, I realized that every single time, every single time I've become good friends with someone, I've managed to drive them away, by one means or the other. I don't have to think about it, it just happens. I say mean things to them, fight with them, in some way or the other, every good enough friendship I have bites the dust.
And I have never been able to sustain a friendship for more than 6 months. Never.
Like just a few months back, for the first time in my life, I had a friend who I used to hang out with on a daily basis, and we used to talk everyday, and so on, and that friendship lasted around 5 months. Then I started ignoring that girl, saying mean things to her, saying hurtful things, it was all intentional, because due to some unknown reason, I wanted the friendship to end subconsciously, although I still wanted it consciously. Its like kind of an internal conflict.
Then I had another friend, who I used to just talk on the phone with every day for hours, and sometimes at school, and then after a month or so, I started saying hurtful things to her, and somehow, I managed to destroy this friendship within 3 months as well.
And this is happening again.
There is this girl in my school, and to be honest, the only one who cared about me.
She talked to me when I was angry yesterday, because someone had changed the place of my laptop and hidden it somewhere, and she told me that I should not waste my energy for such people, and that they are not worth my time. There was some other stuff as well which I don't remember, but she was honestly concerned, and believe me, everyone else was laughing at me for (over)reacting at that very same time.
And she is the only one in my school who talks to me, on her own, and is nice to me.
And today, I don't know what took over me, but I called her(not on the phone, physically), and started saying mean things to her like you look like a ghost, you look terrible, and so on. She told me she had a fight with someone a while ago, and I could still see tears in her eyes, but I still wouldn't stop.
I don't know what happens to me everytime, its like I am no longer in control of myself.
Am I just a terrible person? I just managed to destroy yet another friendship, this girl genuinely cared about me, and all she ever got in return were harsh words. I know I'll never have a friend again. I hate myself for doing this.

Blimey. Sounds like it would take a therapist to sort this one out. Know any good ones?

Sadly, no.

It sounds like the hurt child inside of you is afraid people are going to hurt you and drives them away when you begin to get close to your "in danger" range.

You should instead think about trying to HELP these good kind people, and protect them from the angry child in you. "Practice makes perfect."

Perhaps let these "special" people know you can sometimes be unthinking, and that it's hard to control, and that you're working hard at becoming a better person. Some of these "special" people will understand. In the meantime work on self-control.

Love yourself,
denny

I feel the exact same way. I feel as though I drive everyone away. Except I haven't noticed that I blatantly say rude things...I actually can't ever recall anything specifically mean that I say or do, but I do notice that people don't stay close to me for very long. Looking back, I realize that towards the end of a relationship, I have either fought excessively or simply become repulsed with my once close friends....I don't know why I do this but I've come to the conclusion that I am responsible for subconsciously pushing away anyone who gets close to me.

I don't let people get too close to me most of the time. If they start to, my first instinct is to cut and run.

I'm the same way. I can totally identify with these feelings. I am slowly getting better with time.

Sounds like what my brother does, but it is in part because of his borderline personality disorder. He is not on the spectrum.

It sounds like your friendships are quite full on and you spend a lot of time with friends when you have them. Maybe, even though you want friends, spending all that time together is too much for you and you feel on one level you need to escape while on another you want to maintain the friendship?
I wouldn't give up on the last friendship. You could apologise and explain what you have here. If she's nice I'm sure she'll understand. You could even show her your post if it's easier than explaining.

Its not gonna be easy, but you better start by making it right and apologize to her.

Its not gonna be easy to make friends as you get older. Real risk you will end up old and alone. You dont just go out and suddenly make friends when you are say 30 years old.

Kind people like that is definitely worth fighting for and keeping at all costs.

You can always be alone, you cant always go out and get new friends.

I actually remember the name of a kid way way back in the early days of school, we were like the best friends ever. What i wouldn actually give to go back and tell myself to try a bit harder, Sadly you dont get second chances very often in life.

I'm like that. Mostly I find myself doing horrible things to scare them away.

It sounds like to me you are terrified of being close because that you make you vulnerable and that is scary. Once you understand that, if that is the case, you can be honest about it. If you feel that tell her and ask for forgiveness and apologize to her. You might find that she might stick with you if you let yourself be vulnerable. That kind of loyalty would be the sign of a true friend. If you make it through this vulnerability won't scare you as much and each time you go through it it will get better. It's hard but you can do it.

Tried that every time, telling those special people that I can be rude and unthinking at times, but after a certain point, no one is going to give a crap about it. And thats what happens.



Quite the contrary, unless I am forced to, I wouldn't spend a minute with any of these people who I claim to be friends. Don't take it the wrong way, I don't hate them or anything, but that's just how I am. I have to be forced to spend time with people, otherwise I don't. Nevermind, just lost another friend. What difference does it make? Better sooner than later, I know no friendship I will ever have will last more than a few months, so rather than hurting her at a later time and burning myself up, its better that it got finished early. It hurts lesser. Everything happens for a good reason. I'll just start ignoring her completely from now on, nothing else I can do apart from making her think I am giving stupid excuses.



I'd rather lose yet another friend, than apologize and tell her all this. Its not like I have a problem with apologizing, but I can be hurtful all the time, I can offend people anytime I want, and I don't want that to happen with her as well. Because I know whats going to happen eventually, the same thing happens every time, and more than anyone else, I am the one who gets hurt.
I doubt the second one though. Sure, I wouldn't have 'friends', but I will not be lonely. Or even if I am, I've become accustomed to solitude.



I'm okay with losing another friend. It'll hurt now, but it'll burn later. And I know the uneventful fate. So why mend a relationship that is going to end in a disaster in a short while anyways?

Each person is an individual and you never know if it really end in disaster or not. I have had many people end friendships with me and a few that I thought for sure would end in disaster did not and they have seen the very worst of me and still stuck with me. In over 4 decades I have made fewer friends of that caliber than I have fingers on one hand but they are worth their weight in gold and I would not give them up. It takes time to find those people and they are few and far between but they are there.

Judging by the kind of individual I am though, I know that every 'personal' relationship anyone has with me will end in a disaster. I can bet my life on that one. I'm speaking by experience. I never thought any of my friendships would end in a disaster, but they still did. People never see the worst of me though, I'm very shady that way. The whole reciprocal thing doesn't work for me.
I know there is no one who's going to be that way for me. I guess thats just how it is for terrible people like myself.

Until you get that sorted, maybe you shouldn't make friends with nice people any more. Its all good thinking about you, but this girl you befriended and then out of the blue started insulting is going to be even more confused and hurt when you start your campaign of blanking her. Or does that not matter?