Emotional overload with partner

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I don't know if I have AS or not. It could go either way.

I have been dating a wonderful aspergirl who recently said she thought we couldn't have a future together. She said she thinks I am the nicest person she knows, she feels loved and cared for by me on all levels to an extraordinary degree, and she is extremely attracted to me.

But we both have big, energetic personalities and she sometimes gets overwhelmed. She says she can only take being with me maybe one day in a week because of this.

I asked her whether this feeling of being overwhelmed and shutting down was similar to the feeling of sensory overload and she said yes.

So my question to as people is twofold:

1: Do you ever experience overload or shut down as a result of emotional or relational energy (even when that energy is from a loving supportive relationship)? and

2: If so can you recommend any coping strategies I might try to preserve this relationship?

I believe that she and I are good for each other and don't want to give up a wonderful relationship because of a difference in brain style...I would really like to find a solution.

For perspective - we are not kids. We are both mature adults.

Hi Bill,

I am AS, have been married to an NT for more than ten years. The first few years were hard, especially as I only got my diagnosis and really started understanding my issues earlier this year.

In answer to your questions:

1) Yes I get overloaded, even by time with my husband (although I can spend much longer with him than with most people).

2) Give your girl plenty of space. Find out what kind of schedule works for her. My husband spends plenty of time doing his own thing, and leaving me to do mine. During the evening he will sometimes go out to his workshop and leave me in the house reading. At the weekends, he will visit his family, or go out with friends, and I only occasionally go with him. If I get overwhelmed I will go out in my garden, or read in the bedroom, and he knows to leave me in peace.

It took a while to find a balance, but now he realizes that if he tries to spend all the time with me, I just freak out and shut down. Given a bit of space I relax a bit more and am much happier. Of course, at first he took this personally, as if I didn't want to spend time with him. Now, having read up on Aspergers, he realizes that it's not that I don't love him, it's just that my brain can't cope with too much of anyone for too long.

You do also say that you have a big, energetic personality, so you could try to tone that down a bit to see if that helps. You need to ask her what she finds overwhelming, and what would make it easier for her to spend more time with you.

Relationships can be a bit of a challenge with AS (or even without!) but it is absolutely possible to make them work. You just need to be absolutely determined, and committed to working through any issues.

Good luck.

My husband has an energetic personality and his voice is loud and I get very overwhelmed and overloaded by it. I always say shh and he talks less loud for me when I say that. But it can very challenging. It helps me when I can get alone time to rest or to be outside on the mountain or riding my bike on the trail.

Thank you ladies. All of your advice is appreciated and will be heeded.